Of Northern Stars

Ten Thousand Oceans

 You lie awake at night wondering why. You cry yourself to sleep as you fight the pain in your chest. You start to second guess yourself. Your heart is slowly shattering into a million pieces, slowly and tauntingly. He smiles at you and it's a haunting reminder of what you can't have. You want him so much, but he's not yours. He belongs to another.

Late, tear soaked nights. Haunted dreams of things that will never come. Desperate daydreams. Painful thoughts, fleeting but soul destroying. You begin to resent him. You feel anger, hurt, love, lust, fear. You stay awake wondering why. Are you too ugly? Too boring? Is he too good for you. You want him so much that it hurts, you want his arms, and his lips. You can't see a future with him, no matter how much you want him.

You resent him, but you love him. You love him so much that it hurts. Your legs feel like jelly when he looks at you. You just want to close your eyes and retreat into your daydream, where he wants you. You torture yourself with thoughts of what will never be. You dream of an alternate universe where he is yours.

You want to be a part of him. You want to be in his life, watch him grow and flourish under your love. You want to whisper sweet words to him under the stars, you want to feel his kisses leave a fiery trail on your face. You want to hold his hands and feel his arms around you – hear his beat in sync with yours. But you know that will never happen. He is never yours.

Your love is real. It is intense – you can't fight the feelings that run rampant through your soul, taking your heart with it. You want to move on, try and fall for someone as hard as you did for him, you want to be happy. But you can't, every person pales into comparison with him. In your eyes anyway. You're scared that if you move on, he will want you and the painful cycle will start again.

You think your feelings will fade over time but they don't. They grow stronger and stronger until you can barely breathe. Every time you see him, it's like a punch in the gut. You want to curl up and cry, you want to make him see what he is doing to you. But of course, he doesn't know because you never told him.

He doesn't know that he is breaking your heart every day. He doesn't know that you are slowly buckling under the weight of your crippling weight for him. You like to think that he would care, but deep down, you think that maybe he doesn't. He doesn't love you after all.

You are so near to him, yet so distant. You are ten thousand oceans apart, when in reality, you are less than ten feet away from him.

Lonely Sundays become routine. You dread but crave to see him again. He haunts your dreams, some cruel twist of fate that prevents you from moving on. You want to cry, but you can't. You slowly become numb. At some point you learn to accept it; accept that he doesn't feel the same way.

The revelation hits you like a steam train. It rips your insides to shreds and engulfs your soul in a frantic fire that soon spreads through your whole body like poison. You try to move on with your life, but you are always left wondering why.

Why don't you love me?