A Girl Like Her. (LGBTQ+//TW, anorexia, self harm)

Names.

  Jupiter

     I woke up and I couldn't breathe. I don't know what the nightmare was this time but it was all too real. I check the clock by my bed. Its already six in the morning. I walk into the hall and look down it, his door was closed. I walked to the kitchen and checked through the window that looked out right over the driveway, he was gone. Good. I run back upstairs and walk into the bathroom. I took in a sharp breath and closed my eyes. Here we go.. What was I yesterday? 106.9?  I pull out the journal I keep under the sink and check the numbers, actually 107.2. Fuck. No, no, no, no. I strip my clothes off and pull out the scale. I'm desperate to prove the writing wrong. I must have just had too much water. By this time I can't breathe. I stand on the scale as the numbers fluctuate. It lands on 105. Thank god. My breathing eventually slows and I step off the scale. I start the shower and turn it to almost unbearably hot. While I wait for it to heat up all the way I sit on the floor and take out my phone, I check my messages from fellow girls with similar problems. So many of them weigh so much less than me. They have bones. Ribs and thighgaps..I close the messages and open my camera. I take pictures of everything. The fat hanging off my thighs, the fat on my stomach. I open instagram and post one of the pictures and update my stats.

current weight: 105. Goal weight: 100. Height: 5'5.

"I lost. I know it was only water weight though, I could never actually lose that much fat. There's too much everywhere, I'll never lose it all.."

     I click off my phone and get into the shower, I end up on the floor of the tub spaced out and my mind wanders to yesterday and that girl. Why was she staring at me?  I knew her name, everyone does. Skylar. The big badass staring at me? What was she thinking? The look was different though, it wasn't a look of mischief, rather a look of pity and understanding. I do not need to be pitied. Especially by her. I stood up -way too fast might I add- my head shot with pain and the light was suddenly too bright. I held my head and groaned, washing up and deciding that I should end my shower there and wrap a towel around me. I start to get dressed and doing my hair and makeup, the usual clumps of hair falling out. I pull on a beanie and a sweater. Thankfully it's cold out.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

    I walk into the hall, and I see her. She was looking at me, almost waiting for me to walk in. Why? I try to shake it off. She seems to have looked away anyways. I hurried to class and sat in the back, not in the mood for people's comments. Why do people feel the need to mock me? I already know I'm a fat whore. I unknowingly stop and look for Skylar. She hadn't walked in yet. But suddenly, she did. And I was staring right at her. she looked at me and smiled. Smiled. At me. I looked away and tried to focus back on the lesson, but I couldn't stop thinking about her and the questions racing through my mind were endless.