The Immortal Blood #Wattys2016

Chapter Three

'Journal day 4 – week one

Hunger, burning within my veins is all I feel. I feel it so often I've since become used to it, not able to ignore it but I am used to it.

I can feel myself completely changing, I can't go outside anymore if it's too bright and my instincts warned me as I tried to walk past a church.

Things I was once used to, things I could once see, touch, hear or witness have become almost unbearable. Priests preaching in the street... just impossible to cope with it, even the bell the church close by uses is becoming harmful to my ears. I can feel them bleed as I struggle to understand myself.

I cannot help but panic. Just one week and already there's the almost irresistible pain whenever I pass someone. What will I do when I cannot resist it? What will I do when I no longer want to resist it? Will that mean the monster's won and I've lost the battle and the war?

I can feel it in my veins, burning deep inside me. What am I going to do? I need the blood but it isn't like going to the local pub and asking for a glass of water, it's not like I can go to the pub and ask for a pint of blood. If it were that simple, there would be no room for panicking.

There was my hunger; there was my need to drink, to feed. It was there, I couldn't ignore it, I just want to kill and stop it, I just want to push it away but the energy it takes to fight it just to stop it... there's too much pressure. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

I have nowhere to go, I have no chances. I need to get as far away as I possibly can. I need to feed soon, I need to drink and drain.

What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything. I want to kill, it wants me to kill. All I can imagine is me biting someone's neck to slitting someone's wrists and feeding.

Red, hot blood, that's what I need, that's what I'm craving right now... I can feel it. It's more than a craving, more than just a simple and painful craving. I just want to feed. What can I do with myself? Absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing at all even though I wanted to, even though I was desperate to.

I need to wake up and face my fears along with my blood thirst but I can't do it, it won't let me, all it's doing is stopping me, controlling me. The pain in my mind, in my veins and in my soul feels like I'm being cut to pieces. There's the pain, there's the hunger and my insanity... my own insanity is coming for me.

Sophie... Amanda. What they must think of me where they are. I am trying my best but I feel it, the pain is killing me. The cost to my soul... it's unbearable.

I feel like I'm sinking, I'm in quicksand, sinking lower and lower as I struggle to breathe.

The irony is there, is real and slapping me in the face. I don't breathe, I can't. Ever since I fell, I have lost my mind, I feel like I have lost my mind. I am broken, mentally and I cannot be fixed. This is why the vampires go insane; this is what makes them go insane.

I know I am running away, running from myself but I can't stop running... I won't stop running. I must run, I must hide and above all, I cannot, I must not stop. If I stop I will feed, if I feed someone will die so no, I can't stop, I won't do it... for them, I will resist'

I just kept going, from one B&B to another, hiding in plain sight and hiding in pain. I could feel my whole body cramping and ripping into me, its nails tearing into me. I wanted to feed; I couldn't help but want to feed. The blood in my veins, what little was left of it was burning in my veins, making me feel insane. I wanted to drink if I could drink, I wanted to feed... just to drain blood.

Blood was everywhere, the humans; the animals... even the poodles. I kept travelling, from place to place as I struggled to understand, to fight myself and my hunger for blood. There was the desire, the desire to bite and to kill, there was the pain, the pain I could not avoid or ignore.

I was no closer to the vampire that made me, no closer to killing him, destroying him. If I can kill him, taste his blood then I have a chance to survive... if only life was going to be sympathetic to me, to someone like me.

My child, my wife... they're both dead... neither of them coming back to me and that's my fault, everything is my fault. I can feel myself going insane, bloodlust, hunger or whatever other name you wish to call it. My child, Sophie, my wife, Amanda... neither of them deserved what they got. I loved them both; they had my heart, my whole heart.

All I kept thinking was about life, their life... they were so young, beautiful. Sophie, she had a bright future, Amanda... she was not going to have to wait for me all night to make sure I was ok. Pain, pain that burnt me brightly, as if it was just ripping through me all because I loved her... I loved them both.

If I had been stronger, if I hadn't been so cocky, they wouldn't have died. Instead I was and they paid for it, with their lives they paid for it. I can't help it, I was frightened of losing either of them but God decided to further punish me by forcing me to lose not just one of them but the pair of them... I lost the pieces of my heart.