Promise Me This

the inevitable future

The only thing worse than hearing that you are going to die is hearing that someone you love is going to die. At least when you are going to die you don't have to deal with the aftermath. Of course I couldn't be that lucky. No I am stuck alive while my mother is dying.

Of course I don't envy her. Anything where death is involved sucks, and I hate seeing her in so much pain when I can't do anything to help her. But that's the thing, I can't do anything to help her. I have to sit here and watch her die. The worst part is not knowing when it's going to happen. It could be a month, it could be a year. 

My mom wants me to continue on with my life like it's not even happening. She wants me to go to school and hang out with my friends. A couple days ago she even encouraged me to go out with Matt, she hates Matt. She keeps telling me, 'Just because my life is over doesn't mean yours is too.' But she's wrong because once she's gone, my life as I know it will be too, hell it's already over.

Tomorrow we're moving in with my grandparents. My grandparents who live in Wisconsin. Florida is where my life is. Where my friends are, where Matt is. Not to mention it's the middle of my junior year of high school.  I'm not trying to sound like a whiny brat because I know that It's not all about me anymore, it never was, but I just wish that I could stay here and take care of my mom by myself.

There's a light knock at my door before my mom enters my room. "Hey, sweetie." She attempts to smile, but she has gotten so thin that her smile looks too big for her face and the skin around her mouth droops a little so she looks more sad than happy.

"Hey mom." I attempt a smile too. I've been trying to hold it together for her but it's really hard.

"Are you almost all packed up?" 

"Just about." My eyes scan my room for the few miscellaneous items that I have yet to pack. "My friends are going to be here in a few minutes, but I can stay here with you if you need me to."

"No, it's your last night with them, you should go. You don't have to sacrifice your life for me."

"I'm not sacrificing my life." I tell her, "I'm just putting it on hold for now."

She starts to tear up, which makes me feel bad. I take the few steps towards her an wrap her in a careful hug. She feels so fragile and small in my arms.

After a few seconds I hold her at arms length. She looks up at me with big blue eyes. The same eyes that she gave to  me. The eyes that I'm going to miss when they're gone. "You are my number one priority right now, mom. I love you."

"That's no the way it's supposed to be." she cries, "You are supposed to be my number one priority, not the other way around."

"I know mom, but it is what it is." I check my phone and see a new text waiting for me. "Matt is here. I gotta go, call me if you need anything."

"Don't stay out too late, we have to be up early tomorrow."

"I won't." I promise, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing my purse and running out the door.

Matt's leaning up against his car, arms crossed. When he spots me a nonchalant smile spreads slowly across his face. That smile alone was enough for me to fall in love with him all over again. The way it's so big that it shows off his perfectly white teeth and his deep dimples.

I run to him and he opens his arms for me to fall into. He wraps me in a stiff, strong hug. When we pull away he starts to say something and for a second I think he's going to ask how I'm doing with all this, but then again he never does.

"You look so beautiful." he tells me, the same compliment he gives me every time we hang out. "I'm going to miss seeing you almost every day." That right there is about as emotional as Matt gets. For him emotions are a don't ask don't tell kind of thing. Most of the time it doesn't really bother me but sometimes I really want to have a heart to heart with him.

"We can talk every day on the phone and we'll skype all the time."

"Yeah but I can't kiss you over skype." As if to prove a point he leans in and gives me a quick peck on the lips.

I laugh and quickly turn around to make sure my mom isn't watching from the window.

"Lets just go." I suggest. He listens and gets in as I walk around the car to the passenger side. He starts the car and immediately his rap crap is blaring through the speakers. When we first started dating I would try to turn it down or change the station. I don't try to do that anymore because it always starts a fight. I definitely don't want to fight with him tonight, I want to leave on a high note.

We pull up to my best friend, Taylor's, house. The ammount of cars there immediately overwhelms me. She'd promised that it would just be a small get together in honor of me going away. I should've known though, because Taylor is always looking for a reason to party and her parents are totally cool with it. They supply the alcohol and everything.

Matt slides out of the car and starts walking towards the house. He makes it about halfway up the driveway befoore realizing that I'm still in the car. Turning around, he gestures for me to follow him. 

I reluctantly get out of the car and make my way towards Matt. I wish I could feel more comfortable right now, it is my party after al, but big crowds always have me on edge. 

Inside, the floor vibrates because of how loud the music is. Instinctively, I grab Matt's hand and hold on tight, as if I'll lose him if I let go.

"Relax for a little while." He laughs at me. "All these people are here for you."

Although I know the real reason all these people are here is because they want to get wated, his words do make me feel a bit better. I let him lead me through the hoarde of people and into the kitchen, where Taylor is sucking faces with one in a long line of boys she plans on making out with tonight.

I laugh to myself, knowing that everyone speculates that she goes further with them but in reality, she's saving herself for marraige. It's the thing I admire about her the most, people always talk shit about her and she just embraces it. It's something that I've always wished I could do.

I clear my throat loudly to get her attention. She immediately pushes the guy away and runs up to me wrapping me up in a huge bear hug. "I don't want you to leave me." She shouts into my ear.

"I promise you that I don't want to leave either."

She squeezes me tighter to her chest, as if she's trying to make us stick together so I won't have to leave. "Let's just enjoy our last night together."

"If you can even remember it tomorrow." I tease her.

She playfully pushes me away. "For your information I dont plan on drinking tonight." I raise my eyebrow at her, not believing it, "Anymore."

"That's what I thought."

She gives me a playful shove on the shoulder and laughs along with me. She starts to pull me out of the kitchen and into the living room. Iglance over my shoulder to see if Matt is following us, but he's nowhere to  be seen. No doubt he's off getting trashed with his friends. It breaks my heart a little that this is our last night together and he can't even stay sober.

I try to ignore the pain in my chest and just enjoy Taylor's company. She drags me to the middle of the living room-turned-dance-floor and grabs my other hand, begging me to dance with her. I decide that I won't let anything ruin this night, not even Matt's drunken state, and we dance until we can barely stand.

Taylor ends up driving me home at around one, which is later than I had planned on staying. I try to be quiet as I open the front door, but it's a wasted effort because my mom is still up watching TV.

"Hey." I say, sitting down next to her and leaning my head on her shoulder.

"You're home late." she tries to sound mad but she can't hold the facade, "Did you have fun."

"Yeah," I admit, "I'm gonna miss it here."

"Me too." Somehow I know that she isn't just talking about Florida.