My Story: Who I Am

What I Did

I got out a blade and cut myself.  Twice on my arm, and once on my heel.

Unfortunately that seemed to help. I was so concentrated on that pain, I forgot how I was feeling. The pain from the cuts went away and I felt even worse. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again, and as of that day I had cut myself seven times.

I kept finding myself feeling out of it, hurting, wanting answers to how I felt and I wanted a way out.

I had just started medication for my depression and it was slowly starting to work, but I kept feeling that pain. I wanted to cut again, I found myself thinking about it more often than not.

Unless you have done it, you won't understand what it feels like to drag a sharp blade through your skin, seeing your own blood and knowing that you're the cause of it.

It hurts mentally and physically. It's not easy, but at the time it makes you forget everything. Everything that's wrong is no longer there while you dwell on the pain that you inflicted on yourself.

Every time that I cut I immediately go into a panic mode, what if somebody finds out? What if they tell me not to, that there's other ways to deal with how I'm feeling?

Yes there are many different coping methods, ones that hurt less, but this is what I do now. It might be what I do in the future, but this is who I am.