My Story: Who I Am

My Problem

One night I thought to myself how pointless everything was or seemed for me. Nothing seemed to be going right.

I had just gotten over my first real crush and I was okay for the first little while. The next day it hit me really hard, and it hurt.

I'm still not sure why, but I thought that if I could find a way to make it hurt less then everything would be fine. I ended up cutting my hand and my ankle and the pain that I was feeling before had gone away momentarily. I felt better but when this new pain went away I felt even worse and was in more pain than I was before.

I knew that what I had done was wrong and after calming myself down I called one of my best friends and told them about it. They prayed with me and made me feel better. We ended up talking about the little things in life that made everyday a blessing, they told me about little things that God had done for them and once they had finished telling me their story I knew that God was doing something for me right then and there.

At one of the summer camps that I went to, that summer they told us a story, one that I had heard many times, God answers prayers in three ways: yes, no and wait. I had asked God for help to understand my feelings towards this person because I felt like they were all jumbled up and making me very confused so He gave me my answer which was wait and then no.

My friend and I became Scripture Buddies that night and our verse for the week was Psalm 40: 1-3.
("I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.")
When I read that verse everything seemed better.

Then I started feeling a bit depressed. I would barley eat, even though I had lots of friends I felt lonely, I would stay awake at night pondering what to do, all the little things that you do on a daily basis all became questions. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? I don't know why. But nothing seemed to help. I just felt so lonely and out of it but there was only a few things that kept me going.

The first was my friend who texted me every day asking how I was feeling and the second was music. I could always count on both to help. My friend had struggled with depression as well and there is almost always a song or two that makes you feel like you're not alone. Music doesn't judge you, it can help you no matter what. There was a third thing for me and that was writing and reading.

When you read, you can get lost in an other world and forget about what is happening in your life and witing a story or just how I felt would make me feel okay but once I stopped I felt sad and depressed again. I started writing poems about what was happening and it was helping with how I felt.

A bad day came and nothing would help; I tried writing, music, texting my friend, nothing. I went back to something that I told myself I would never do again.