Reprise

Chapter 30

 Chapter Thirty

It's Sunday but I have the house all to myself. Dad is managing the crew that is packing up after a big concert last night. Mum is out to lunch with a few of her friends, and Dan has gone over to a mate's house. I have just decided to spend my day trying to catch up on TV shows when I get a text message from Julian telling me he's outside.

Julian is sitting on the low brick wall outside my house, sucking into a cigarette. When I open the door he stamps it out on the pavement and walks over to me. He's wearing a black hoodie and he crosses his arms over his chest from the cold. He walks past me and into the house without a word.

'Jules, what's up?' I say, following him down the hallway and into the kitchen. He takes a seat on a stool at the kitchen bench and throws his head down onto his arms.

'Jules, is this about Beatrice?' I ask.

He lets out a grunt and shakes his head. I put the kettle on and start making us tea, waiting for him to lift his head and talk to me.

He doesn't speak until I put the cup of tea into his hands, and even then it's just to say, 'Benn, I've done something terrible.'

'What happened, Jules?' I ask.

He takes a sip of his tea and then scrunches his face up. 'Hot,' he says, with his eyes closed.

'Julian, talk,' I command.

He groans and stares at me with those milky green-blue eyes through blonde eyelashes. He looks stressed. He opens his mouth, then rethinks and presses his lips shut. He looks down into his tea and stirs the silver spoon through the mug thoughtfully.

'Fine, well if you're not going to talk, can I get back to watching TV?' I ask.

'I had sex with Lexington,' he says.

'What?' I stare at him. He's still looking deep into his teacup. His face is white.

'Julian, what?' I say again.

He looks up at me finally, and his lip quivers. 'You heard me.'

'Fuck,' I say, collapsing into the seat next to him. 'When? Why?'

'Last night,' Julian says weakly. 'Findlay and Lexington had a fight and I was pretty miserable. The three of us caught a cab back to our place and Findlay went to bed, and Lexington and I just stayed up talking for ages. She kept telling me how much I look like Findlay and then I was showing her my artwork in my room and then suddenly we were just making out. And we had sex. Fuck, I had sex with my brother's girlfriend. And she just got up and left my room and went to sleep with Findlay like nothing had happened. He has no idea and I don't know if I should tell him.'

He stares at me, pleading desperation in his eyes, and I just stare back, totally unsure what to say.

'Findlay is going to kill me,' Julian says. 'And Lex and Findlay are going to break up and it's going to be my fault! Do you know how fucked this is going to be? When Mum and Dad ask Findlay why he broke up with Lex he's going to have to say, "Oh, Jules fucked her!" He's going to hate me forever. I can't believe I did this to my brother!'

'Okay, Jules, calm down,' I say, grabbing at his hands and pressing my thumbs into his palms.

He looks down at his hands. 'What are you doing?'

'Lucas always used to do this when I used to have panic attacks,' I say. 'It worked. I mean I've learnt to suppress panic attacks now.'

Julian sighs and closes his eyes. 'What am I going to do, Benn?'