The diaries of a long time Satanist

Dear Diary

By Pineapple Pig
Chapter 1: Dear Diary
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Dear Diary,
We haven't spoken in weeks.
Sorry 'bout dat girl, Sharpay was being a real bee-arch.
I just need a release and I'm like damn, why haven't I written in you for so long.
Whatever, I'm back.
I know it.
Now Sharpay.
Now since I haven't been here for ages you may have forgotten but this is how the underworld is run:
There's 1 major lord.ie. me.
Under me are 13 vice-satans.
Then we have our 666 devil warriors.
Just to fill you in.
Sharpay is my fav devil, she's like a proper-get-me-a-drink-type-maid. And does literally anything I say.
But today I was all like:
"Sharpay, honey, can you get me a soy extra, no-fat, ugg boot, hipster Starbucks grande latte from the café?"
It wasn't a question but I like to let them think I won't torture them for at least 20years if they don't do mah shit.
But Sharpay. That rootin' tootin' cowgirl, dumb, ditzy devil is all like:
"Nah, bruh, get it yourself"
-Shots fired-
Who does that melodramatic, keyhole think she is?
Telling me to do stuff I was supposed to have done months ago.
Damn girl, you did it.
Oh oh oh, no no. If she thinks she's getting away with this she is wronger than a Christian on a Sunday.
The power of Christ compels you my sexy ass.
So I need my diary to give me some advice, just like Ol Tim Rattle.
"It's Tom Riddle, sir"
"Oh thank you, Timothy, now clean the toilet, I had Indian for dinner."
I do not pity that guy.
Timothy is one of my devils, cute as button, but so stupid.
He only managed to get a degree in geology.
Bish that's not a real science.
Now Tim, Tom, atom bomb... maybe a Tim, Tam about Shar-pay.
I'm thinking that if I feed my rhino laxatives and tell her to clean up his shit... literally as well as give John- the rhino- a new haircut, she should be good.
I'm also gonna get her to swim in the fiery lakes of Mt Doom but that's irrelevant.
The real punishment comes from John.
BTW; I can science- Unicorns are real, they're just fat, grey and we call them rhinos. Why did you think I bought that thang from Amazon.
Next I'm gonna get a narwal, they're like the unicorns of the sea.
Enough about iguanas and chimpanzees and foxes and other animals that are totally awesome.
How are you doing?
...
To get this to work I have to put part of my soul in it don't I? Damn you JK.
JK I love Harry Potter.
That was pun-derful, JK= just kidding but also the author of HP.
Oh screw you guys, I have to fix my nails, lord only knows what I'de do without my cherry red nail shimmer.
Lucifer out beaches.
P.S. I need a new bikini top, my other one got filled with peanut butter.

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I hoped you liked my vent for weirdness, I'll be updating when I see fit and if you don't like that go listen to some radio Disney. To get to know you guys better, I would like to know... Would You Rather- be a sheep or a duck?
Think about the pros and cons and I'll give you my answer next time I update.
Pineapple Pig is out.