The diaries of a long time Satanist

Dearest loves

By Pineapple Pig
Chapter 2: Dearest loves
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
My names is Satan
And Lucifer too

Eyes like the beach
Hair like the Sun
A radiant Summer
Can I be the one

Poem after poem after bad poe-
Oh why hello there Mr Diary, could've used you the last half hour. Where have you been, I sent Sharpay looking 12days ago.
Also where is Sharpay. I have a 10 'o' clock hair appointment with Christoph and I can't remember whether it was AM or PM.
Little bastard better get here quickly.
Now if your wondering why I'm FREAKING OUT right now it's cause I have a date.
Ok I don't.
I wish I did.
I even tried writing romantic poetry.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
But no, I don't have a date. I better go listen to some radio Disney, that always makes me feel better.
We're all in this together.
Kay, so let me fill you in on the deets-that's underworld for details-:
I'm like totes besties with Santa.
If you're wondering how because he rewards good children and I punish bad people and I'm for some reason depicted as bad when he's giving fat, ugly children stuff they got for being a half-decent person- trust me, we both hate his job- well we really became friends because I posted on my social-medias that if you re-arrange the letters in Satan it spells Santa. BOOM, I can be social.
Now we've been hanging out for years but I've only recently met his wife.
I don't give a shit about our friendship she shall be my sacrifice.
And if I let my devils eat her dead sacrificed, soulless body she shall be a snack-rifice.
So here's the plan:
Step number one- please read this in a Mexican accent- And that in Australian one-.
Serve pasta. -read in Italian accent-like-a Mario and-a Luigi-.
Step 2- go back in time and taint *cough, cough* poison *cough, cough* one of the 3 bowls.
Step number 4- resurrect first grade teacher and retake first grade.
Step number: the square root of pants- pass 'tainted' dish over to Mrs Claus.
No* triangle- perform ritualistic sacrifice.
Step number 800- mourn the loss of a loved one.
So sweet.
Now you may be wondering:
Lucifer.
Satan.
Whatever other name you go by.
Who are you sacrificing people to?
Myself of course.
Lucy, don't homosapiens do that?
Yes, but you guys don't know what sorts of souls I like.
The only one you idiots have given me that I've actually liked are:
The sacrifice of Henry Ruschmann. The guy who invented glitter.
Momofuku Ando- the guys who invented ramen noodles.
And David Karp- the guys who invented Tumblr.
Bless their souls.
They now all live in the Tartarus hall of screaming souls.
They're not screaming they volunteer there as security guards.
C'mon, who do you think I am, those guys are saints.
God bless their souls.
Now I must leave you, I have mockery to make of men, pranks to pull on my pet parakeet, Muppet, and some screaming soul security guards whom I have to meet for chess just before the poisoning of Christmas.
Hanukkah's gonna be depressing this year.
Later Losers.
Wait I'm not talking to anyone but a freaking diary.
I'm not insane.
Oh hey Sharpay.
Bitches gonna pay.
Love ya. :3

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Thank you so, so much for your answers to my WYR. Personally I'de pick duck and no not because it rhymes with a highly inappropriate word one should not say around small children. No, I have a friend who's deathly (hehe, deathly) afraid of ducks, so... SURPRISE MOTHERDUCKERS.
WYR: be a Ravenclaw or a Hufflepuff?
I'de rather be a Hufflepuff and honest to god (knee slap) my house preference would be:
Slytherin
Hufflepuff
Ravenclaw
Gryffindor
Cause Gryffindor is overrated.
BTW: I don't own or are related in anyway to the sacrifices mentioned, nor their products. To be honest I'm pretty sure the guy who invented Tumblr is actually alive. But don't quote me on that, I'm not sure.