The Past Keeps Following Me

ten promises

1) "Forever and always."
He hasn't broken his promise yet. That was the first thing I realised when my eyes flicked open and I saw him - not the real him, the cold version of him - sleeping peacefully next to me. He was turned away from me, so instead of memorising every inch of his face like I did every morning before the accident, I lay there still, just watching.
Normally, his body would rise and fall with each breath, but his body remained still. Lifeless, I reminded myself.
He stirred, stretching slightly and turning over to face me. His eyes opened gradually - only, they weren't his eyes. They had lost their warm, glossy chocolateness. These eyes were just black fishbowls.

2) "No matter how much your looks change, I will forever love your eyes."

I broke that promise to Ross. I couldn't love his blank stare anymore.
My doorbell startled me out of this trance, and my heart thumped viciously in my chest as he smiled and blew a kiss, but not with his lips. His lips were plump and pink; Dead Ross' were cracked and pale.
I pulled yesterday's jeans on as the doorbell buzzed three times in a row.
"Jesus Christ on a bicycle," I muttered angrily as I let whoever the hell it was into the building.
It hit me moments later as I waited impatiently for my interrupter that my dead boyfriend was just asleep in my bed. Man.
The door almost splintered as someone thundered into it, and they pounded on it for it to be unlocked.
"Alright, alright," I sighed, taking my time to stroll over to the key rack and carefully select my key.
"Sam, this isn't a fucking joke!" I heard Barry's muffled voice erupted from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and unlocked the door. It flung open and Barry grabbed me by the shoulders, his eyes panicked.
"It's Bonnie."
•*•*•*•*•*•
Barry sobbed into my shoulder as the cold air con swilled around us, and I stood staring at the table in front of us. A black linen cloth lay on the table, but folded over at the end, revealing a pair of collar bones, shoulders, neck and head, short ginger hair surrounding it like a halo.
"Well, can you identify this body as Bonita McNae and state your relation to her?" The morgue attendant guy was stumpy. With an extremely receded hairline and rounded Harry Potter specs, reminding me of an older version of Piggy from Lord of the Flies.
"Yes." I spoke with no emotions, my voice flat. "Sam McTrusty, to-be-brother-in-law." I gazed one last time at Bonnie's face. Pure, young, beautiful, just like her name, even in death. The gash on her forehead would remain there permanently, until her body decomposed underground.
"Just like mine."
Ross stepped forward from behind me, taking my hand.

3&4) "We'll always protect you, from everyone and everything."

Ross and I had broken our promise to Bonnie. We made this promise to her in primary school after chasing away some boys from the older years who constantly teased her for having "no eyebrows". Her faint gingery eyebrows were barely visible, and became even less so as the freckles invaded her face during the sunny summers.

5) "I'll never see Bonnie as anything but a friend."

The girl on that table was no friend. The girl on that table was no sister. The girl on that table was a complete stranger, and therefore I've broken my promise to Ross when he became paranoid after Bonnie admitted to having feelings for me during mine and Ross' early dating days.
Dead Ross' cold flesh on his thumb rubbed circles on my hand as Barry clawed at my shirt. I felt nothing. Empty. Empty. Empty.

So I walked away from both of them.
•*•*•*•*•*•
I sat on the sofa, cradling Bonnie's hoodie that she'd left here last night.

6) "No matter how shitty life gets, promise us that you'll never give up on the world, Sam."

I'm breaking my promise to the band. A few years back I had a rather depressing period after Dan left me, and I felt so hurt. Rejected. Unwanted. The guys made me promise this to them, but I still didn't see why I had to carry on. At least, I didn't until Ross made me feel like myself, again. But now, I'm giving up. I don't want this life. I don't want this.

"Why would you say something like that after taking my own?" Ross whispered sadly. I didn't have to look at him to know he was sitting next to me. He radiated some sort of chill, that cut straight to the bone.

7) "I'll always be here. Always."

I broke that promise to Barry when I walked away from the morgue. He won't remember, but I will. Keeping promises has always been so easy, but suddenly I find myself surrounded in so many broken ones.

8) "Live. Be happy."

I broke that promise to my mother. The choices I've made have resulted in me feeling like a part of me has died, and life is more depressing now than ever.
"You killed Bonnie, too," Dead Ross reminded me, tapping my knee. Each tap was so ice cold that each individual finger but through my jeans and into my skin. "You should have listened. How can you promise someone that you'll live when you've taken that privilege away from others?"
He was right. He was so right.
Tears began to fall.

9) "Are you really sure that I make you happy?"

"Why are you lying, Sam?" Ross' voice was harsh and the taps got harder as I began to rock back and forth. "I'm clearly not making you happy by being here. You're lying when you said that you'll always be happy when you're with me."
"I'm not fucking with you," I screamed, hurling the hoodie at him in a ball. I collapsed onto the wooden floor dotted with paint specks and I wrapped my hands over my ears, rocking back and forth on the heels of my feet. "You're dead!"
Ross drifted around me as I closed my eyes and screamed again and again. He began to mutter the same phrase over and over as I chanted, "Go away, go away, go away, go away,"
The pain in my head was back, but it became so powerful that I didn't know whether I was thinking those words or saying them out loud.
Hands grabbed me, and I punched and kicked, refusing to stop changing and open my eyes. Even with my hands over my ears, I could hear his accusing voice boom in my head and he roared the promise I broke to him by killing him.

10) "Forever and always."