Becoming Jane Doe

Chapter 2:

I pulled into the trailer park, and pulled the keys out of the ignition. I couldn't wait to see him. I hopped out of the car and started walking towards his duplex. It was extremely dark. There was an older man sitting on his porch, he was about forty. His appeared drunk.

"'Ey there pretty baby," I jumped when he spoke. "Where you goin'? How 'bout you come over here and I'll show you a good time." His words broke through the silence and I jumped at every word.

I started walking faster. My body started shaking as I thought of all the back things that could happen in just a few seconds. The cold wind blew past my sweaty body causing me to shiver adding to the shaking of my body. I tried to stand tall so maybe he would think of me as less of a target and more as someone who would put up a fight if need be. I was mentally thanking my dad for forcing me to take a self-defense course last summer. I felt my back pocket to get my phone out but I wasn't in my pocket.

"Damn it," I said under my breath. I left it in my room.

That didn't matter anyway I'd be with Kyle soon. I just needed to be with Kyle, and then I'd be safe. His arms are my home and where I am safest. I wouldn't have to worry about creepy old men when I was with him. I looked over my shoulder to check if the older man was perusing me. When I saw he was still sitting on his porch I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding since he first broke the silence with his rude comment. I continued walking fast in case he decided to follow me.

When I got to his door I knocked. There was no answer and I didn't want to stay out here any longer than I had to with that creepy man so I pulled out my keys. He had given me a key to his trailer a few months ago. I looked over my shoulder but it was too dark to see the man from before. This scared me. My hands were shaking and I fumbled with my keys trying to find Kyle's house key amongst the others which was very difficult in the dark. Finally, after a completely silent minute that drug on making it feel like an hour, I found the key. I slipped it into the key hole which was also extremely complicated to find without light. I turned the knob and stepped up into the trailer. It was nearly completely dark except for light on in his room. I let the door swing back and then pulled it closed, making sure to lock it. I flicked on the light in the living room/dining room/kitchen. His place was a mess like always with clothes strung across his lamp shade and dirty dishes covering the counter.

A smile grew into my face and my cheeks flushed because I was going to be with him soon. He didn't seem to hear me enter his house so I was going to surprise him. I giggled under my breath as I thought of showering him with kisses. I crept across the tiled floor toward his room. I sat my keys down on his counter top. As I walked through the kitchen I picked up the clothes he left there, a sock here and there, a t-shirt, his hoodie that I loved wearing. I turned around the corner into his room. There he was lying in bed, with a girl. She was wrapped around him. Their legs were intertwined. And they were kissing each other intensely. Her black hair was sprawled over his pillows. The same pillows I had cried into last week as he held me in his arms saying he loved me. I dropped his clothes because my body felt too weak to hold itself up. His clothes met hers on the floor. I felt dizzy.

"What..." was all I could get out. My eyes were blurry.

He looked up and saw me. Kyle jumped out of the bed wearing only boxers. I felt like I was going to be sick. He started walking towards me and with every step he took forward I took another back. I turned my back and went into the kitchen, he followed me. I was leaning over his sink. I felt nauseated. I lurched into the sink but nothing came out. He came behind me and turned me around using his hands. He looked into my eyes. No I couldn't let him do this his eyes would always make me want to stay. They were green and brown and blue all at once, the most beautiful combination of coloured I had ever laid eyes on. He put both of his hands on my cheeks and pressed his forehead to mine. Then he placed a kiss on my nose.

"Babe, it won't happen again I swear," his words were soft and calm. I could feel myself starting to forgive him. "I love you more than any of them," he said before starting to kiss my neck.

I pushed him away, "There were more than just her?" I motioned towards his bedroom where the black-haired girl was still lying on his bed. I stepped away from him. I touched my neck where he had just been kissing. My skin was still tingling from his touch. I wanted to shower over and over and scrub all his kisses away.

"Yeah but they were nothing baby, I love you not them. I made a few mistakes but you were always the one I wanted."

"The only reason why you 'love me' is because I gave you everything you wanted without even thinking about what I wanted because I actually loved you." My breathing was ragged. "You wanted me to sneak out; ok I did that without even thinking about what my parents would do if they found out about you. You wanted me to steal beer and cigarettes from my aunt; alright I did that and then I had to explain that to my parents. You wanted to use my body whenever you were in the mood for it; I let you do that and then I had to make up a lie about why I had a use pregnancy test in my trash can."

My eyes were blurry from tears. I felt used; I felt dirty and no amount of showering would make it go away. I turned around, grabbed my keys off the counter and began fumbling with the door lock. I swung the door open and got out as quickly as I could. I didn't know what he would do to me now that I was no use to him. I started walking fast towards my car.

I heard him open the door fully and then he yelled, "Fine you stupid bitch, I have better options than you. You'll never be loved. I was the best you'll ever have, no one could ever love a whore like you."

He slammed the door closing me out in the cold.

He might be gone but his words still lingered in the air. By now I bawling and that paired with the darkness made it very difficult to see. I found my way to my car and reached for the handle to open the car door. Before I could open it a large hand covered my mouth and the other grabbed my waist and pulled me backwards towards him. I managed to elbow the attacker in the nose giving me enough time to turn around. I kick his shin and punched him in the balls. He bent over in pain. I grabbed my car door and opened it getting into the car as fast as I could. I looked all the doors. I let a sigh out. My breathing was rapid. I slumped down in the seat trying the let myself relax. Bam! He hit the driver's side window not hard enough to break it but enough to scare the shit out of me. I put the keys in the ignition and slammed my foot onto the gas pedal. As I drove off I looked at my rear-view mirror. The older man from early this night was standing in the darkness looking as my car. His nose was bleeding and he was holding his crouch. After that I never looked back.

I drove to a gas station and sat in my car under the lights. Tears started pouring from my eyes and after they started falling I couldn't stop a waterfall of salty tears from coming out. My mind was replaying Kyle's words "no one could ever love a whore like you". He was right. I wasn't lovable. I could still feel his hands on my cheeks it was soothing yet haunting. The feeling of his hands was paired with those of my attackers around my waist. I was scared. Every noise outside my car made me jump. I couldn't go home because if I told my parents what happened they blame me for everything. I was the one who let Kyle use me. I was the one who left the house in the middle of the night. I was the one who left my phone. I was the one who wore shorts and a tank top which probably provoked the attacker. I was the stupid one and it was all my fault.

"Fuck!" I yelled, the only sound for miles.

I slammed my hands down onto my steering wheel. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," I spoke in a quiet tone.

I gripped the steering wheel with both of my shaking hands. I felt the leather and squeezed it tightly. I rested my head on the wheel ad closed my eyes. Why had my life come down to this? I was alone, sitting in my car at nearly 2 A.M. with no one loving me. I am not lovable I repeated again and again in my head. I shouldn't be alive, I knew that. I always knew I didn't deserve to live. My mind raced with thoughts of dying and it brought warmth to my heart. That was disturbing. There had to be something wrong with me for the thought of my own death to bring me joy. Maybe that was just another reason why I shouldn't be alive, something was wrong in my mind. Something was very wrong. I knew what I needed to do. I had to do this. I had made a plan before and now I would carry it out. It actually was a very well thought out plan, a simple, easy to execute plan. It was my best plan and would be my last. It was a great plan as far as suicide goes.