Becoming Jane Doe

Chapter 3:

My head was resting on the wheel. There was a pounding behind both of my eyes that seemed to have been continuously getting worse throughout the night. I squeezed my eyes shut.

My voice cracked as the first worse came out "god, hey man. I don't know if you're real or if you're even listening, but please keep my mom and dad safe." I choked on my last words. I paused and raised my head, "damn what am I doing? No one is listening. No one is up in the sky looking out for me."

I turned the key starting the engine and pulled out into the street. I had decided a few months ago that before I ended it all, I wanted to see a few of my favourite places that I would be leaving. So I would visit those places one last time then I would get out of this world.

It was going to work. I had planned this a few months ago when things got really bad. It wasn't just this break up that lead to this. That was just the tipping point. My life wasn't something I wanted to live anymore. I didn't like it. So I decided, what was the point in living it? I just didn't enjoy it, at all. Life didn't bring me joy, or elation, excitement or make me ecstatic. I didn't feel those things. I thought I felt them with Kyle but I was very wrong. Music and Kyle were the things that kept me going and now I didn't have Kyle. Music is tragically one of the things I will be leaving behind.

Of course I had the occasional happy moment but that always seemed to be drowned out by the continuous sadness and anxiety I felt gnawing at my insides every day. I didn't enjoy life and I didn't think I would enjoy life anymore if things got better. I didn't see a future anymore. Even if things "got better" they would get better. I didn't want a family or husband or wife. I didn't want kids because I didn't want to be responsible for another human. How would I keep them from this sadness I felt? If they did become depressed it would of course be my fault and I couldn't care that. The idea of traveling did appeal to my somewhat but I didn't see myself doing that not alone anyway. Kyle and I always talked about going to Europe but that would be a reality anymore. Traveling didn't seem like it would work out for me. I would have to pay for it all myself because the only future my parents wanted for me was to go to college and stay in our small town. But I didn't want to graduate. I didn't want to party with the friends I didn't have. I didn't want to go to prom or sneak out and drink with other kids my age. I didn't want to cook dinner for myself in my own apartment. Life had lost its excitement years ago. Everything felt dull and I was bored of it. Life didn't feel like a journey I wanted to take anymore.

I reached down into the glove compartment and pulled out a CD case. I opened the case with one hand and the other stayed on the steering wheel. I placed the CD into the stereo. "This must be my dream" by the 1975 started playing through my speakers. I placed the CD case on the dash board. This was my Suicide Playlist. I had been working on it for a few months; I started it around the same time I started planning my suicide. I had illegally downloaded the songs but who was going to care when I was dead. I burned the songs to the CD instead of listening to electronically because I had always preferred having something in my hands than on my phone. The same was for books I wanted to have it physically in my hands. Tonight as I drove before letting my soul escape this organic cell. I wanted to hear my favourite songs one last time. My fingers tapped along to the song as I drive down the empty freeway.

I had grown up in Ohio. For the past sixteen years I had spent my days in the tiny town of Bay View, Ohio. There is a population of 622 but after tonight there will be one less, making it even smaller. Tonight I was going to drive to my favourite place on earth, that place happened to be Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. It was a 5 hour drive but seeing as I was driving to my death the speed limit didn't seem worth following. I looked at the digital clock that was built into my car, the time read: 2:13am. I would make it there in time to be able the sit on Mackinac Bridge and watch the sunrise. The most beautiful thing to me was a sunrise. Nothing was more beautiful than that in my eyes. Living so close to the state border had its perks, one of them being you could drive less than 2 hours and be in Michigan. I always preferred Michigan to Ohio; don't ask why I just did. Maybe it was because the air seems sweeter and the world felt calm whenever I would visit. So where else would I want to die than there? I had put a few bottles of pills in my car awhile ago when this plan started. Watching the sunrise as my internal organ shut down seemed like an okay way to end it.

I was now in Hemlock, Michigan. From what I knew of this town it was small, much like Bay View. Aside from being over two-hundred miles away from everything I had ever known I was also two hours closer to my death. I had been driving straight, taking no detours or breaks because if I did I wouldn't make it to Mackinac Bridge in time to see the sunrise. It was now what some called very early morning, but what I called "finally getting my mind to shut off so I can sleep" o'clock. It was 4am. The sun had yet to start rising but I knew inevitably it would, soon. Since leaving my small home town of Bay View, Ohio I had kept a steady pace of 98mph. There was hardly anyone else on the road since it was so early. If a cop pulled me over for speeding, I would have to stop this little suicide trip and essentially my life would be saved for another night, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I would definitely be dying tonight.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" by Fall Out Boy came on the stereo. This wasn't my absolute favourite song, that wasn't the reason why I picked it. It would play at this time in the journey when I still could turn around and be home without having to explain anything to my parents. It had only been a few hours and it could be back in my bed before my family woke up. This song was the one song off my playlist that could save me. It had a feeling about it that made me want to live and so I figured if this song couldn't keep me from dying then my wanting for death must be very strong and thus I should follow my heart. I had been driving long enough for me to realize how real killing myself was and if by now I haven't gone home tonight everything needed to end. That may seem like stupid reasoning but then again most people don't have a suicide playlist.

Tears started streaming down my face as the chorus played through the speakers. I wasn't going to wipe away the tear because honestly this was normal; I was literally driving to my death who wouldn't be crying. Any makeup I still had on my face was now dripping onto my shirt but who cares about laundry when life is almost over. I started breathing heavily. Was I really going to kill myself? My heavy breathing caused the windshield to fog up making it hard to see. I imagined my parents waking up and finding me missing; then the police would find my body and-. I blinked and during that millisecond I saw my mother's face. I saw my little sister's face. How could I do something like that to them? The weight I felt from having to make this decision was unbearable. I needed to turn around.

I drove towards the side of the road and begin looping around to head home. I wasn't going to kill myself I needed to give life another chance. All the windows including the windshield were completely fogged up from my heavy breathing. I rolled my window down the let the hot air blow out. The windshield wasn't defogging fast enough I let my foot off the gas pedal and began to reach my hand out the window. My arm wasn't long enough to clear the windshield. I was not getting out and risking having another incident like the one with the perverted old man that was fresh in my mind. I unbuckled my seatbelt ignoring the fact that my car was mid-turn. No one was on these roads this late anyway. I scooted my body towards the side window and managed to wipe my hand across the glass removing the fog. There was just enough room to see the world outside my car, just enough time to see the car speeding towards me but by then it was too late.