How do you?

How do you? (1)

Dear diary,

How do you smile?

You see, the reason I'm asking is because I don't know exactly how to. It's an awkward expression that comes as a challenge for me to convey. Not knowing how to smile, it sounds crazy, right?

Wait, let me fully clarify myself. It's not that I don't know how to smile. The knowing part, it's logical. Just pull the opposite sides of your lips upwards and voila, there you have it. The one step guide on how to smile.

Well, according to what I've read on the internet. 

But shockingly, it truly is not that easy. My smile doesn't follow those rules. In fact, my smile does whatever it wants and doesn't even listen to the muscles in my face. They're completely out of sync. 

I spend several hours a day standing in front of a mirror.

Doing what?

Practicing my smile. It's part of my daily regime that was advised by all knowing wikihow. The reason I practice is because... my smile is terrifying. I can't control how it looks no matter how much I try but I never give up.

Probably wondering Just how bad can her smile be?

BAD.

Imagine this. A crazed looking sun deprived smile. Instead of my smile causing my eyes to squint like a normal person, my eyes widen. They widen for god knows what. It makes me look deranged and I can't seem to help it.

Ahh, that reminds me. My first day in high school. Not one of my fondest memories if I must be honest. The first day; a loner thrown into a pool of other loners with a sole mission. My mission was to make friends. Yes, that was the situation i was in so I decided to venture out and look for some companions. I encountered a girl. Like me, she was on her own. She was just standing there, looking like she was minding her own business. So this is what I did.

I walked up to her and scooted closer beside her. I just stood there for around five seconds until I knew she was fully aware of my presence. And when I knew she was aware of me I turned around and with a large,  toothy smile I said-

"Hey, wanna be my friend?" I was shy but confident to see it through. I just hoped she'd reciprocate.

I watched her reaction of course. And I must say, it wasn't in anyone one of the scenarios i had pictured in my head in the least.

Her eyes widened. Not in my crazed sun-deprived looking way, no, not at all. Her eyes widened in a way that looked as if she had just seen a ghost.

Immediately, she backed away slowly as if I was a snake and any sudden movement would set me off and cause me to attack her viciously. Once she had gotten some distance away, she scuttled off. All I could say was she left me so very confused. I was pretty sure I hadn't said anything to offend or scare her.

Brushing of that incident, my happy-go-lucky, carefree and cheerful self moved on. I continued my quest to find friends. And well, everyone I encountered had the same reaction. Wide eyes as if they'd seen a ghost, yada yada yada, you know the rest.

And by the end of that day I had come out of that school with not a single friend. I didn't know the reason why.

But now I know, the sole reason behind it all.

That was four years ago.

Yes, I'm seventeen years old now and yes I still don't have a single friend. That day resulted in not a single person approaching me, or ever associating with me. I don't blame them. I'd avoid me if I walked around smiling like an insane serial killer.

Doesn't exactly bother me.

Why? 'Cause I know that one day I'll smile. And when I smile everyone will see how beautiful I am, every girl will want to be my friend,all boys will fall for me and I'll become the queen of the world.

Muhahahahahah.... Yeah, that'll never happen.

A girl can dream, aye?

But in the mean time, I shall practice my smile until I perfect it.

Talking about smile practicing, I should go start now.

Bye Bye.

Authors note:

2020 update: I wrote this when i was 15 so if you have feelings of confliction such as what the f*ck did i just read, just know I do too.