Sometimes in life, I feel as if I'm constantly falling. I'm broken and hurt. I call for help, but no one will answer. I fall farther and farther, but I still don't see the bottom of this pit I've fallen into. I don't know where you wanna be and the unknown makes me feel wrong inside. I've been here and there, but nothing feels right. I've cried myself to sleep countless times, I've screamed when I'm alone, I've basically given up. I feel like prayer isn't helping and that God doesn't care. I sit here sometimes, a blade in my right hand, and blood on my left wrist. But when I cry those nights, it's not because of the bleeding. It's because of all the pain inside. I feel as if I'm warring against myself. Emotionally I won't let myself become attached to anyone or anything because I find it hard believe that love lasts forever. Physically I'm scarred. Mentally I'm unstable. There are nights I try to distract myself with music or a movie, but then something comes back and breaks the peace. I go to sleep each night and dream of paradise. I listen to the song Paradise by Coldplay sometimes and I close my eyes and drift away. Other times when I hear it I think of all the times I wish I could escape. I'm a broken soul. I know people who have it worse, but I've been given more than I can handle. I like to sell myself as a strong person who can handle anything and tell people I'm okay and I'm fine despite the fact I may have tears streaming down my face and my voice breaking. I've tried therapy and it worked but eventually became too costly so I tried talking to some of the church leaders, but nothing. The one other person I can tell anything and everything to has been too busy to talk much lately so I'm all alone. I can't talk to my parents or my other family because of all the new boundaries and rules they'll create. I'm better off where I am now than I was before, and better than I'll be if I trust anyone else. I don't trust many people with many things. It's really only my one friend. At this point there are still times I think suicide and still think to slit my wrists or cut my thighs, but I wanna feel better. Sometimes I feel so numb though. I feel at a loss to be or feel anything. I feel as if I'm just here. I get up, I run errands all day, I got to sleep, and repeat. And in a nutshell, that's it.
This is a bit old, but this is one thought process of about a zillion I have and one of close to a billion somewhat like this. Sorry if it's sad.
