Bittersweet *What we used to be*

Sleep

I lay at night thinking.. I've done this every night since being transferred into my new class with Joichiro. Every day is different yet the same.. He insist that we stick together . Yet he always makes me want to push him away..

He brings out something in me that I lost way back when I was a child. The child that was lost in the dark after running from father. But he's lead that child out of the darkness and with that child, He brought back memories of my child hood.. I dread the time I must spend sleeping.. The time I watch everything unravel in my dream.. The screaming. The pain. The fear. My mother.

I try do not want to sleep. I fear what I will see in my sleep. So I lay away pretending that I was never there.. Pretending to be in the kitchen with my mother.. cooking. Cooking to perfect her dish. but as I pretend to be in that kitchen. my mind gets ahead of it's self. And I remember again, what happens after we cook and present the dish to father. Once again, I'm stuck wishing not to remember. So I stare at the ceiling thinking about nothing in particular. My mind drifts to the red haired cook I work with every single day. How his eyes only reflect my image.. I white haired girl.. with no fear.. A girl who is strong. A girl that is not broken.. because that is what I want him to see. not this broken girl I am now. Not the girl from the past.

And here I am again.. thinking about my past. Sighing, I stand up and walk out of my room and into the hall. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.. Or what I thought would be the kitchen. Instead, I walk into a wall. A rock hard wall.  I look up to see a face I haven't seen since the day I cooked..

" Um.. hello. " He whispers looking down at me with a blush forming on his cheeks. " hi.. " I answer back and he looks away.. " It's been a while.." I tell him and he nodes. WE just stand there with nothing to say.. 

" So.. I heard your in the same class as Joichiro. That's good.. " I nod again.. I want to tell him that I wish he were there to but that would be a lie.. I haven't even thought about him since the day I made dinner.  I start walking away.. But he grabs my arm.

He says nothing and just stands there holding my arm.. I look back to see a shadow covering his eyes. " Go.... I mean.. Come... Or.. Will you come with me to the... ( cough) the dance.. I mean.. Theres a dance I was invited to and I would love it if you came with me as my date.. " He finally found the worlds he wanted to say.. I don't know what to say.. but I try..

" Are you sure you want me? You don't know me at all. I mean as your date.. I mean.. it'll only be for a night but... " He stops me.. " I'm not asking you to be my date for only that night.. I want you to be my date from now in.. I want to go out with you.. You interested me the moment I looked into your eyes. and when I tasted your food.. and it made everything clear. I want you.. I want you as my girlfriend.. I didn't understand what I was feeling at first.. and that's why I avoided you.. but as soon as I took that one bite.. I understood that I like you... so please.. give me a chance and be my girlfriend. " He bowed... I really don't know what I should say now.. When he bows and pleads, it's hard to say no.. I lower my head..

" Gin.... Please.. don't plead for me.. please don't lower your head from someone like me.. I am nothing special... " I hesitate to answer him. This is what I wanted when I first got here.. I wanted him to be kind to me.. I wanted his attention. " I'll go to the dance with you.. but will you let me think about the other thing?" I ask as he nods happily.. I smile slightly and start to walk away.. " Thank you.." He whispers to me and started to walk beside me..

My heart pounding loud in my chest.. I feel like he can hear it in this silent room. but when I turn to look at him, to speak to him, I repeatedly, correct my self in my head..

this boy.. he is not Joichiro

and now...

I wish that he is Joichiro

but what am I to do

This all happened just now

all because I stayed up thinking about the stupid red head...

and now I know..

I'm interested in that red head.. and not.

Dojima Gin.

and what I don't know is that the red head had saw us..