I woke up at 3 am in the morning passed out in front of my own door. I knew she hated it when I got drunk, so I figured I’d have to do everything I could to end this affair. With me being completely drunk off my ass, it’d end quickly. If Jake was wrong about the monster-in-law idea I’d kill him for getting me deeper in this crap.
I walked in to the bedroom and saw Emma laid out on the bed with nothing but her shirt on. As soon as I stepped closer to the bed she jumped up, rubbing her eyes.
“What are you doing home so late? I called you and you didn’t answer!” she exclaimed.
I stumbled over to the bed unable to tell exactly where she was. Seriously it was the most annoying side effect of drinking. But luckily some unknown sex god was on my side that night. I landed right above her sexy body. But she sucked her teeth and pushed me off, with much effort either. I laid on my side with her back turned to me staring at...nothing. I knew she was mad at that point, so I tried to lighten the mood by breathing on her neck.
I knew she hated that feeling or having someone hot liquored up breath, but hey, it’s not like I could help it! I’m drunk and horny! But anyway she tolerated it for a few minutes and after she stopped staring in to nothing and me constantly touching her back with my feet to get her attention and basically being an extreme nuisance, I pulled her entire body on top of me, wrapping my arms around that sexy waist of hers. She screamed in excitement and shock.
“What are you trying to do?! I need to sleep!” she huffed.
“Lame excuse, Emma!!” I laughed. “You were just sitting there, ignoring me, why not get comfortable with me?” i said as I kissed on her neck. She flipped over her body and looking in to my eyes she stroked my hair and leaned for a kiss. But she stopped.
“Promise you won’t get drunk when we’re married?: she said softly in to my ear. “I’ve never told you but...my mother has liver cancer and...it’s because she was an impulsive drinker.”
“What....?” I said with an actual serious tone. That actually took me by surprise. “You never told me that...if you had told me that...”
“We weren’t serious like that,” she started to get up. “and if I told you that. I was afraid I’d run you off.
“That’s....ridiculous.” I said nervously. The last thing i intended to do was get myself in this deeper. It was like I was being black-mailed to marry her now! Plus I could tell she was sad even though it was pitch black. “Speaking of mothers...I have to call mine soon....”
“Oh?” I heard her say as I felt the bed move. Suddenly the bed moved and the next thing I knew the light flashed on. I covered my now burning eyes from the light and felt Emma bounce extremely close to me on the bed. “So what’s your mom like?”
Yes! It was the moment of truth--well lies but whatever, I had this conversation playing in my hands.
“Well let’s just say that she never likes any girl I bring home. In fact, most of the time she calls them whores, prostitutes, hookers, sluts, or well I can’t think of a better word “cock suckers”
“What?!” Emma said in alert. I cracked a slightly nervous smile wondering if she really believed anything I said. “I don’t believe it! I heard from one of your friends that she was nice!”
“Oh, yeah, nice to guys! She’s the worse with women and when she finds out you’re a model...well I can’t even imagine what she’ll say...” I said sadly. “Oh and she’s extremely overprotective! Like calling me all the time.
She squinted her eyes in disbelief.
“I’ve never since I’ve known you Matt, seen you call your mother.”
“Yeah, I know, that’s because I just had to get away from it all, so I blocked her!”
“You blocked your own mother?!” she exclaimed with a hurt expression. “I can’t believe you!”
“What do you mean? I had to get away from her. Would you like her to be calling me the minute we’re making out or something?”
She stared at me and I could tell she was thinking about it. “Okay, you’re right.” she finally said and fell down beside me in frustration. “But don’t you see what this is gonna do? She’s gonna be even more crazed about me marrying you!”
“Yup, we’re screwed and she’s gonna flip out. Maybe this is a sign...”
She looked at me in curiosity. “A sign of what?” I shrugged my shoulders.
“You know...” I said softly holding up the ring finger. Her eyes immediately narrowed and she punched right in the most unexpected place. I rolled off the side of the bed holding my crotch.
“Shit! What the hell!” I exasperated. “Why the fuck would you do that?!”
“Why would I do that? You just said you didn’t want to marry me! No, you didn’t even have the balls to say it like a man! So I just had to check if you really had some!” she screamed at me and violently threw a pillow at me. I knew what that meant and got out of the room quickly, slamming the door.
I knew I was sleeping on the couch, but something told me by tomorrow I’d be a free man. I couldn’t help but smile. Just a little. Yeah, I’m a douche bag.
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In awoke to the smell of bacon, and pancakes and something that was burning badly.I opened my eyes and ran in to the kitchen quickly. There was Emma attempting to put out the stove top fire with a rag. I grabbed a rag and started to beat the flames as well. The flames died down after 10 minutes of me and Emma panicking to stop it. When it was over I finally asked:
“Why? Why are you making breakfast?”
“I was trying to make it for you...” she panted. I raised my eyebrow in confusion.
“Why...? Aren’t you mad about last night?”
“Yes...I was but I’m trying to make it up to you. I know you were a bit tipsy that night and said some things because you were stressing about your mother. I know you didn’t mean those things.” she said these words quick and with without any hint of anger. I couldn’t help but say in my head....
“Like what the hell?! It’s like she just excused everything I did!” I yelled in to the phone talking to Jake. “It’s like some fuckin’ horror picture. I swear she’s gonna chop me to pieces. Not to mention she almost burned down the building!”
“Dude...calm down and take a deep breath” Jake said calmly. “So the monster in law thing didn’t exactly work for her. This is when we move in to phase two. I like to call it: Honey I can’t have kids. Listen to everything I say. This operation has to be flawless and smooth.”
______________________________________________________________________________
I walked out of the bathroom where Jake explained to me in detail how operation honey I can’t have kids should go. In all honesty, I thought this plan might actually go extremely well. I wanted to get out of the whole marriage thing a soon as possible so I just needed to come out with it as fast as possible. Emma was in the bedroom putting on her jeans and fixing her face.
“How’s your stomach?” she said giving me a look of empathy. “Sorry I really thought the sausage was cooked properly. I mean it was burnt on the outside.”
I gave her a smile. “Yeah that sausage did a number on me. But I’m fine now.” Even though I said I was fine, and I actually was fine and basically faked the whole stomach sickness, I still thought I should make a face of constipation and pain. I laid down flat on the bed and she sat next to me and rubbed my stomach affectionately.
“You poor thing.” she sighed. “I guess this means you can’t come with me to pick out some things for the wedding then?”
“I don’t think so...but I feel bad though...” I muttered. “Not being able to be there for you and all, babe. I know this is so stressful for you.”
“Don’t worry about it. this just means I need to pick up a cook book!” She thought about something for a moment and continued to say, “Or higher a maid to cook. I’m really not good at this. I don't wanna be the mom who gives her kids food poisoning.”
Yes she lead right to the discussion!
I popped up like I was surprised. “Kids?”
“Well yeah in the future, after I’m am established model and all. Maybe five years from now?”
“Oh...” I laid back down with an air of disinterest and disappointment.
“Something...wrong?” she asked cocking her head to the side.
“Well...I never really planned on having kids. I mean they’re great and all but...I just can’t have them.”
“You can’t see yourself as a father?”
“Ahh....nope.” I said popping the p. “I don’t feel like I could take care of something other than myself.” That wasn’t really a lie.
“Well...I don’t think that’s true.” Emma reasoned. “I could see you as a father with miniature yous running all over the place and being bad. My dad told me once before that he never really wanted to have kids either. But as soon as my mom had us, he fell in love. That might happen with you.”
“Maybe...” I said closing my eyes. “Does that mean you aren’t letting this go?”
“We’ll talk about it after we get married.” she smiled beforing leaning with a kiss. “But for now I’ll let it go because I really do love you. I know we can come to some agreement.”
Shit!
______________________________________________________________________________
After Emma left, I took a nap which is what I do when horrible things happen to perfect people like me. It relieves me of stress. I woke up and called Jake up again and told him what happened.
“Dude, I don’t trust this plan anymore.” I said. “She’s way too calm. I swear she may just kill me in my sleep...or something!”
“Drama queen...” Jake replied. “Everything is going fine, remember this is only phase 1 of phase two.”
“Yeah, yeah. I swear your just pulling this outta your ass.”
“Hey, I don’t see you pulling anything outta your ass except maybe rainbows ‘cause your acting purrty gay right now.” Jake laughed.
“What? How am I being gay?” I exclaimed. Seriously he always says the weirdest things
“I don’t know. Maybe getting married to Emma wouldn’t be so bad...”
“What..?.” My voice dropped flat in disbelief. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Tch, man never mind. I’m just saying she’s rich and hot. And plus my girl has me thinking ya know...”
“Oh I see what’s going on. Your girl has you in some corner right? Asking you when you’re going to get serious and stuff. Now you’re trying to drag me down to hell with you! You can burn in hell by yourself.” I laughed.
“You’re such a pessimists.” he sneered. “Anyway, I’m not doing anything just yet. But besides that when Emma comes home just--” Suddenly I heard the door open. I check the clock. Damn it was nine pm already. I should have called earlier.
“She’s back, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay I’ll text you what to do. Remember, lie. Lie like hell.”
I quickly hung up as Emma walked in to the room. She came in with a big brown box that had holes in it.
“What’s the box” I asked. She had a beaming smile on her face as she placed the box on the bed.
“Look in side!”
I opened it and peeked in side. A white paw came swiping at my face. I jumped back and pulled the creature out of the box. It was a black and white kitten with long whiskers. It was about the size of my hand and I had to admit: It was friggen adorable.
“Em...you got a cat?” I looked up at her in disbelief.
“No, I got us a cat! Now we can put your fathering skills to the test!”
