The Breakup Journey (A Story For The Heartbroken)

Part Two

Day twelve: one week after him and I last spoke

Today, I have finally agreed to go to the mall with my friends and try to have some fun, specially since I haven't hung out with them ever since I started dating him; he didn't like it when I would go out with people or when I would enjoy my time without him around. I was trying to get him out of my mind, but alas, it all went to shit. To my surprise, his name appeared in my notifications. My heart suddenly dropped, I'll give you that. It felt like a violent tornado fell upon me; in fact I even became dizzy and had to go sit somewhere because the world around me became blurry. And as usual, his messages were nothing but bad news. This time it was just a lecture about my actions, as he kept going on and on that I'm making him look bad on social media. For the hundredth time, I sat there and listened to him complain about how badly I treated him in his perspective, and said I shouldn't blame anyone but myself for the breakup and for my current sadness, that I was the one who screwed up this relationship, and that I mistreated him. I tried to ask him to stop because there's no need to have this conversation once again, but he refused to listen, purposely wanting to continue hurting me with his words. He went on and on about how happy he became without me and that he now knows he'll never be depressed again because now I'm out of his life.

Why?

Why would you talk to me to purposely hurt me again, despite knowing that I still love you?

I took a deep breath and wrote back to him all the thoughts I've been bottling up lately. At the beginning of our breakup and during our relationship, I never argued back, because I was still under his spell, but these past couples of days at least gave me the courage to speak and defend myself, instead of sitting there and apologizing for things that I didn't do. Out of everything I said, what calmed him down the most was when I pointed out to him that why would I ever want to hurt him if he was my boyfriend and the guy I love? But it didn't matter then because even if he calmed down, it wouldn't change the fact that just a minute ago he threw my heart to the ground and beat it up with his words, yet again. However, at that moment, he fully switched and came back to the normal man I knew. His words went from degrading and talking down on me to assuring me he loved me and he still does. But after all this, and after all those cruel things he said, I just couldn't believe a word coming out of his toxic mouth. I just kept remembering all his previous words. I kept remembering all I heard about him from the people. He even came up with explanations up to why he was this careless last time he spoke to me, claiming he wanted me to hate him so I would stop crying and hurting myself.

Bullshit.

All his words seemed like nothing but lies now and once he realized all his talking was leading him to nowhere, he suggested to see me after tomorrow, on Thursday, in the very same place where we first met. I wanted to say no, but despite everything, I couldn't get myself to actually reject seeing him again. I may have grown stronger but I still loved him, and deep down I knew a part of me wanted to see him, and so I told him to do whatever he wanted to do.

And just like that, all my week of progress went to waste because I found myself in tears that very same night.

Day fourteen:

He asked me one last time if he should come to see me, and this time I didn't refuse. A part of me was happy, heck even excited. The scenarios of a happy ending were building up swiftly in my mind.

I was going to see him again. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to go walk with him in the neighborhood in search of dark places where we can sit and I can fall asleep in his arms.

But I got my hopes up too quickly

because he didn't show up.

He didn't even bother to let me know he wasn't going to come.

I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but it did, a lot. I couldn't help it, so I texted him.

Biggest mistake I did.

He immediately shot me with his coldness, telling me he had a bad day and he doesn't need my bullshit. I laughed at myself quite honestly; what a fool to believe he would actually show up. It was another trick to make me go back to him. I believed his lies all over again, I got hurt all over again, and now I hate him and myself all over again.

I may have fallen down twice, but I chose to get up once again, and continue what I've been trying to do for so long.

I will forget him.

Day twenty-one: one week later

It still hurt, but I got used to it now. Life is good to me again; I'm going out with my friends, I'm giving them my time, at last. I'm studying properly, despite that the year is almost over, doesn't mean I should just quit trying to study hard for my future. I've been working out a lot and been trying to eat healthy again. I was however unconsciously starving myself which worried me at first, but then didn't bother me this much because, in the end, I preferred eating little but healthy rather than easily go back to my binge-eating habits and then hating myself more for allowing this to make me lose my shape. I got more and more comfortable in speaking with guys, I would even spend time with them... and they all were pretty sweet; they made me laugh and made me feel good, unlike him. I don't think much of what has been going on with him, at least I try not to, and quite frankly I don't want to bother. Yes I still love him, but I finally love myself, and I finally am caring about my own sake more now. I know I deserve better than the bullshit he put me through, and that I shouldn't regret anything, because he is the one who lost someone who loved him to the moon and back.

Day twenty-six:

I don't cry anymore. My mom was finally able to sleep peacefully back in her bed knowing I was going to be just fine. Things are still changing for the better; everything he once forbidden me to do, I began doing it again; I began living my life again.
Nonetheless, I must admit there's still that fear in me that he will come back, and perhaps try to seduce me again or simply argue with me about everything, and I'm scared I might listen to him. I still remember all our relationship but now in an entirely different perspective. I remember I shut down every other thing I enjoyed doing and even my own responsibilities like my studying just so I could keep my full energy and focus on him to make sure he isn't sad. I allowed him to decide on everything I wanted to do or say and decide on the people I would spend time with. Heck, he had access to my social media accounts and would remove anyone he didn't particularly like.

And until today, deep down, I know that I'm still not over how much he dominated me, how much he took control of my life and how I was blind and stupid enough to let him, thinking it was all because he loved me; thinking that this is what love is. I wasted months loving him endlessly and listening to his fears over and over again, thinking this is what I'm supposed to do. But I instantly pull myself together constantly reminding myself that no, this won't happen again, that I'm learning to be okay with what happened, and that I will learn to finally make peace with my thoughts and myself. I still look at my thighs, at the cuts I did just weeks ago that are still visible, but I try not to let it get to me, because I swore that this was the last time I'll ever have cuts on my body because of him, or because of anyone or anything else in fact.

I would like to believe that he moved on, and he's probably dating someone else, perhaps secretly because he fears I'll say something, but it all doesn't matter now. What matters is that I'm trying to forget all this.