The Breakup Journey (A Story For The Heartbroken)

Part Five

Day thirty-nine:

I have been trying to focus on my studies, it's actually helping me to get distracted from him. I haven't spoken to him yet, neither did he. All we did was indirectly talk to each other through social media: he shared posts that include things such as wanting to let feelings go, and I, from my side, shared as many post as possible, all responding to his silly sentence, but I got nothing in return. I sat there wondering, should I let him go or still hold on? Is it possible we still have a chance? I took a deep breath and decided that I wanted to ask him. Yes, I'll ask him if I should see him as just a friend or should I bother to fight for him. And yes, I know how silly my question is because I'm yet again putting my feelings in his hands, but he controls me, he always has, and I still can't seem to get myself to do any move or think in any way without his agreement first.

Day forty-one: The Truth.

Today, some of my surroundings came with the answer to the question I wanted to ask him, before I even got a chance to tell him anything: He has moved on.
Well, I'll say he moved back, considering he apparently went back to his ex-girlfriend.

This shattered my world.

Was that even possible? Oh how I wish I was dreaming...or that I have misheard what they've said...I simply couldn't believe it, he told me all along how bad his ex-girlfriend was, he said she was a player, that she used him and mistreated him, he said she destroyed him emotionally and this is why he can't give me his everything, and now what does he do? He goes back to her.

Ironic isn't it? Turns out he didn't love me like he said he does, turns out I am what I've always feared I was: the rebound. He didn't love me, he needed me to take care of him for whatever that happened between them. But now does she love him? Does she want him back? God I pray that's not the case...I feel devastated and embarrassed and, above all, I feel used.

Day forty-two:

I asked around again, got the same answer: he wants her back. Except today, I managed to understand new aspects of their previous relationship. Apparently, she can't forgive him for what he has done to her. A tension was clearly set in this triangle love neither her nor I had an idea we were a part of.  Does she love him? Silence. Perhaps she does. Does he love her? No one fully knows, but perhaps he does.

And there it was. The truth. The reality that I was so afraid of.

I really was the rebound all along.

So...he doesn't love me anymore?

Silly me, he never did. I was a distraction. I tried to keep smiling as I heard about this, as I heard that the guy I love, the guy I was so crazy about, loves someone else. Perhaps at first, this situation was devastating to me, until I've discovered the real truth: their history.
All he said about her were lies, because turns out she was the good girl who loved him, just like I was, but he became the cold heartless boyfriend who mistreated her and yet puts the entire blame on her, and has then gone around and ruined her name, just like he did to me. I thought of all what he did to her, and all what he did to me. Is he really who I thought he was?

But at least, there it was, the key to the truth, the key that will set me free of all this torture I foolishly allowed myself to get into.

In that precise moment, I remembered that one day when him and I were still together, in which we were having one of the silliest arguments, he became really hurt because he was afraid that I would think of him as something he kept reminding me he was not:  a monster.

Well, not to burst his bubble, but he is exactly what he feared people would see him as.

He is a monster.

This misfortunate girl had loved him with all her heart and what has he done to her? He told her horrible and quite frankly unforgivable things. He made everyone see her as this "bitch" that mistreated him. He ruined her life, he destroyed her self-esteem and happiness, he stole away her light and left her with nothing, and the icing of the cake is that he still had the audacity to go back to her and say he loves her?

And what about me? He fooled me into believing he was madly in love with me, he got me not only to fall for him but also to trust him and give him my mind, body and soul, and then one day he completely switched and mistreated me, took my feelings for granted, then kept messing around with me, giving me hope of coming back to me every time I said I was moving on, to finally just suddenly go to another girl?

I thought he was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Turns out he isn't. He's definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me and I am not exaggerating it one bit. I have never come across such an ugly human being. Whoever I really fell for is dead to me, that sweet boyfriend of mine died tragically and I had to bury him, because this guy, this isn't the guy I loved, this isn't the guy I so proudly called my boyfriend, this is somebody I would be ashamed of saying I'm acquainted with. This is a monster who lives in the same body and has the same name as the sensitive boy I was in love with.
I seriously don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, and after all I've heard, I've decided I want him as far away from me as possible.