These Days

vi

WHEN AARON FINALLY STUMBLES BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, HE IS EXHAUSTED.

"I'm back," he calls, leaning hard against the doorframe to help regain his balance as he unties his shoe. He blinks hard, willing the black spots in front of his eyes to disappear, to fade away into the background, to become numb in a way that the images of Hope Waterman that live and breathe in his head never will.

"Took your time," a male voice responds.

Aaron frowns, hopping forward a little on one foot so that he can peak his head into the dining room. The round table is full, with his mother and father twisting their spines in order to see him, his twin brothers whispering across from him and a very pale, very out of place looking boy - no man, Aaron supposes, since he too, has been officially an adult for all of three weeks - grinning wildly, placed conveniently in Aaron's spot, right beside the squashed-in book cabinet.

"Aaron, man," James says, shaking his head and waving his fork towards his friend, "your Mum makes the best secret family curry ever. "

Aaron laughs weakly. "What the hell, James?" he asks, shaking his head in slight disbelief. "Don't you have food at your place?"

It's funny how easily James Edwards fits into the Charter household. For sure, Priyanka Charter adores him - as far back as he can remember, Aaron's mother has always taken the time to fuss over James like she would any of her children. It doesn't bother Aaron anymore - where he used to find it unsettling that his mother might be so close to his best friend, he has now replaced the old jealousy with amusement.

"Yeah but ours is better," Tarun, the middle child (as he repeatedly reminds his younger brother) by two-hundred-and-thirty-six seconds (as Kareem repeatedly counters) chimes in.

"Our Mum's the best cook in the world," Kareem agrees, nodding enthusiastically.

Aaron feels a slight pang of something snapping inside him. Their love for food is just one of the many things that sets his brothers worlds (who both mimic their willowy mother in a way that awkward Aaron never could) apart from him. Aaron wonders briefly if he will ever understand why people obsess over food - to him, everything tastes the same: guilt, fat, enslavement. There is no freedom in food.

There is no love.

"Do you want some?" Priyanka interrupts his thoughts. "There's some left over in the kitchen."

Aaron shrugs, shaking his head a little and tossing his keys in his hand. "No thanks," he says. "I already ate when I was out."

James frowns when he hears this but he doesn't look up from his plate. Neither does Priyanka, who hesitantly bites her lower lip and bows her head even further, catching her husband's eye as she returns to her rice. She shakes her head slightly. Daniel has never been quite as understanding of their son's problems as she is. He's harsh to him - he doesn't believe that a real man could ever suffer from something as trivial as an eating disorder. Eating disorders are for girls who are weak and sculpted by society's warped beauty standards. They are not for young adult boys because young adult boys should not feel these emotions, young adult boys should not be touched by mental issues.

Real men don't cave in to the voices in their heads.

Real men suck it up.

That's what Daniel Charter thinks, anyway.

But Priyanka knows that her husband has never seen Aaron at his worst. She knows that he's usually snoring heavily or slaving away at the night shift when Aaron locks himself in the bathroom with the scales and Priyanka can do nothing but slump outside and listen to him weep. He has never seen Aaron collapse into his mother's arms as though she might be able to shield him from all of the pain and all of the hurt and all of the ghosts that live in his head.