Blue Ivy {on hiatus}

The New Girl

     It's been a month since I returned to Korea and I haven't talked or even so much as seen BTS since. Their debut song was released just last night and it's absolutely amazing!
     They're really impressive, I hope Namjoon will mentor me, he's exceptionally talented. Though I doubt it, they're all so busy and with all the work I need to do. I'd never have a chance.
     I sigh audibly and glare down at my essay that I really should be working on, but you know, I'm not. Why are school days so long in Korea? I just want to go home and curl up in my bed with a good book. I haven't been able to do anything of the sort since the first day.
     Though, in truth, it's not too bad. After all, I'm doing what I usually do when the road gets rough.
     Go numb and release all that negative energy through dance practice. Well, that and scream into a pillow when the screaming in my head gets too loud and crying until I fall asleep. It's actually quite healthy to do all of that. I keep it bottled up and then slowly release everything over a period of time. I'm not hurting anyone, so I'm fine.
     I continue doodling ducks on the edge of my paper until the lunch bell rings. Food!
     Packing up my stuff doesn't take too long, but I still wanted to wait a little while for other people to leave. It would not be the first time people tried to trip me. If I really wanted to, I could flip them out of their chairs and throw them across the room to beat them to a bloody pulp, but there's, you know, "rules". Plus, that would disgrace the art of taekwondo and I've been with it for long enough that even the thought of using it for wrong makes me sick.
     Back in America, I had watched a lot of people use their martial arts training disgracefully and every time I budded in, I usually left before anyone knew it was me who dislocated their shoulder. When my dad first took me to the dojo, he told me that I wasn't there to learn out to fight, I was there to learn how to defend. "Fight so you don't have to." That was the motto he gave me and it's been mine ever since.
     Ha, see I remembered a positive memory without... Darn it. Quickly, I jump up with my stuff and run to the roof entrance.
     Not going to cry.
     Not going to cry.
     Not going to cry.
     A single tear rolls down my cheek and I swipe it away vigorously, but it's no use, once they start falling, you can't stop them. So I let them fall.
     'Ugh, this is so stupid,' I thought. 'It's been three freaking years, you're not a little kid anymore.'
     Memories started to flash again but this time I let them, there's no point in holding back at this point. Might as well allow my mind to torture me once again.

     Eumma! Appa! Wake up! Wake up!

     "Haji," I whisper harshly. I crouch down, holding my hands to my ears, hoping it would just stop. "Hajima."

     Eumma? Appa? Please!

     Tears were pouring down my face now and my nose was gunked up. Part of me wished someone would find me, like in the movies. Part of me wanted someone to end this suffering. Part of me wanted to jump off the roof right now and end it all.
     But no one came. No one saved me. No one ended my suffering, not even me. No, I would have to save myself. I'm old enough to know that. I can't be stupid. I'm not going to be Bella, I've been doing this for a few years now. It's not fair to Jae and Tae. Or aunt Sora, Soonhan, or little Soongi for that matter.
     Who am I kidding? I wouldn't be able to jump off anyway. Fear of heights is nice like that, plus I'm twelve, I've got at least sixty to seventy more years. Why am I trying to convince myself this is stupid? It's pretty obvious it is.
    "Pabo." I laugh out loud before deciding I should probably eat.
     Food, it fixes everything, including depressing over dramatic breakdowns.

(Hajima (Korean): Stop it)

     It's Saturday finally and unlike other students I'm spending it in the practice room. I woke up really early and decided to walk to the headquarters by myself. No one else was awake, so I wrote a note and left. Took around twenty minutes to get there, but it was fine, I enjoy long walks. It gives me a chance to be outside for longer than usual. Plus, it's better than being in a car for even a second.
     Walking down the hall, I noticed one of rooms had their lights on and music was blasting from it. Who's up this early?
     Silently, I snuck up next to the door and peeked inside. It was a girl, around my age practicing the choreography to 2NE1's "I am the Best", which is one of the few choreographies that I know every single move to.
    Her long dark hair whips back and forth in a ponytail as she puts all of her energy into every move, but there was something off. Her breathing was becoming heavier with each motion, to the point of nearly hyperventilation  heavy. The song was only about halfway through when she stopped and dropped to the floor. My first instinct was to run over and make sure she was alright.
     My legs were moving before I had fully acknowledged she had slumped. Hopefully, I had made enough noise running to her that she wouldn't be surprised at my arrival.
     I shook her shoulders and she flinched away from me.
     "Mian," I apologized and scratched the back of my head while awkwardly laughing. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
     Her wide dark eyes looked at me for a few moments before she returned the awkward laugh and took my hand to help her up.
     "No, it's okay, I just get a little jumpy when people touch me." She wipes her hands on her leggings before going over to turn off the music. I had been so focused on her that I became oblivious to the beautiful sound of 2NE1's voices.
     We stood there for a few moments not really knowing what to do. So, I took a chance and started to speak, which turned out to be a lot easier than I had thought.
    "My name's Bae BiKwin by the way, I'm a trainee."
     "Really? I'm a trainee too, my Korean name is Song CheonSa."
     "Cheonsa? Like in big feathered wings and servants of God?" Then in English. "Angel?"
     "Uh, yeah," she awkwardly laughs out. Wow, we're both really awkward, that's the only way I can describe this situation. Really really awkward. "And your name? Bi as in falling water and Kwin as in crown royalty? Rain Queen?"
    She says the last part in English just as I did. Was this a normal interaction? Is this how people normally meet and greet? I didn't think so, but I think it's fine.
     I decide to change the subject. "When did you become a trainee?"
    "Not too long ago, I actually just got in last night."
    "You aren't from Korea?"
    "No, I'm Khmer." Ah, she's from Cambodia, that explains her slight accent. I didn't know a lot about Cambodia except that they're next to Thailand and Vietnam. I didn't know they held auditions there.
      "That explains your accent and your darker complexion." Wait, was that okay to say? Shoot, her face just dropped. What do I do? What do I do? "That's not a bad thing of course. Please don't think I'm saying you're less attractive, you're actually really pretty and cute and probably an absolute cinnamon roll. I didn't mean to sound rude or like a basic Korean girl only thinking about looks. I actually really don't care about faces, but you have a really nice one. Ugh, mianhae, mianhae."
      I bow with each apology. Ack, why did I do that? That was so stupid, you pabo, pabo! You probably just blew having a friend. Great going Bibi.
    I start to smack my forehead muttering the word "pabo" over and over again.
    Cheonsa puts her hands up as if she wanted to make me stop, but she was too hesitant in doing so. "No no, it's okay, really."
    "No it's not okay, we're going to be working together for the next couple years and I don't want this to be your first impression of me." I flop to the ground to sit cross legged and hold my head in my hands. "Why can't I just act normal?"
     I listen to her footsteps and I expect her to leave, just like everyone else, but instead she sits next to me and gives me an awkward side hug. "It's okay. I'm not normal either."
     I look up at her. Her eyes are full of care and sincerity. She doesn't seem like the kind of person to hold grudges, she actually seems like the kind of person to quickly forgive people. Maybe a bit too quickly. I could use someone like that, someone to teach me forgiveness. And maybe, just maybe, she could use someone like me, to tell her when it's not okay for her to forgive someone.
     "Alright. So would you be willing to be weird together?" I asked in a slightly cracked voice.
     "Depends, do you like The Avengers?"
     Happiness bubbles up inside of me, "I love The Avengers and everything Marvel."
     Her eyes light up, "Okay, yeah, we can be friends."
     Afterward we talked and ranted about everything. That might have been the best day of my life since the car crash and I think it was also the longest I went without thinking about it.
     That's how I met my first friend and I knew, at that point, we were never going to separate.

(Pabo (Korean): fool, idiot)