Oxymoron

CHAPTER 3 : Pulse

I woke up to the smell of disinfectant . The room I was in felt strange. Unfamiliar. The paint on the walls was not chipped and falling of the wall. I realized that this was not my room. My bed was not even a bed. I slept on a mattress . The mattress itself was in poor condition. Holes everywhere. The springs were not even intact. They were rusted. It wasn't much , but it was something. I tried to move my arm but felt a stinging pain. By then I had realized that there were needles in my skin. At first I was disgusted , thinking i had taken the drugs again. I then noticed the soft beeping sound of the pulse monitor. I'm in a hospital.

Flashes of the previous night began to remind me of what had happened. The smoke , the closet and the fire. I coughed slightly as I tried to adjust myself. While trying to push my self up i let out a cry of pain. My hands had stitches on them. They looked fresh. I suddenly became aware of the brace on my left foot . I tried to lift myself up again, this time being more protective on my palms. Eventually I managed to find myself in a more upright position.

Suddenly a nurse barged into the room. She had a plump shape and seemed to be overly excited. She held a clipboard in her right hand and a pen in her left.

"Good morning. You had quite an interesting accident. How on earth did you manage to to put your body through all that. Its not quite shocking actually considering how many drugs we found in your system . You're absolutely insane. Had it not been for that wonderful gentleman who dropped you of I- "

"Which gentleman . How the hell did I even get here?"

" Oh my. You can't even remember anything can you? Poor thing. A nice young man , tall , long black hair. dropped you of here last night. Said he went to see where all the smoke was coming from. Found you on the ground . It was quite something the state he brought you here in. Looking like you came back from a war."

"What happened to my foot?"

"You tell me . You had dozens of shards of glass in there as well as in your palms. What were you doing ?"

" None of your damn business. When can I leave this place ?"

"Fortunately for your sake the man who brought you here payed your bill this morning . The doctor is gonna come by later on in the afternoon and check how you're doing. He will decide when you can be discharged ."

" Who is the guy you keep saying brought me here? Why did he feel the need to pay my bill? I could have handled that on my own without his help."

The nurse burst into laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"Its quite a challenge believing you would be able to sort out that bill on your own judging by how you looked when you came in here. Anyway he said his name was Seth . I don't know why he paid your bill to be honest. Considering how ungrateful you are , I guess the only reason he didn't just leave you there was pity. Anyway he said he would come by later on today. Around afternoon visiting hours."

"I don't want visitors." I said ignoring her insults.

"You are really disrespectful aren't you? Some of the kids down over in the cancer wards don't even have anyone visiting them yet you reject visitors. Shameful."

" Excuse me for not caring. Anyway can you please leave ?"

"Pardon me but how dare you?"

"How dare I what?"

"How dare you show no emotion or concern for people who have it much worse than you do?"

"Never had anybody to show concern for me . Learnt to live without it."

"What lies . I can almost bet you were a spoilt little rich girl who never heard the word no. Never had to struggle for anything in life. Not a worry for you. Everything you wanted you got , no questions asked. Went to a private school I bet. You were one of those girls who could afford to throw money out the window without any consequences. You used to drink in high school to I bet. Mummy and Daddy probably bought you all the booze you wanted. Let you shoot up what ever drugs you wanted into your veins."

The room went silent . I focused all my energy on suppressing my anger. The nurse clicked and kissed her teeth at me with disgust and I lost control.

"What the hell do you know? My parents were alcoholics. Private school. You're mad. I barely had the chance to attend school let alone find a way to pay my school fees but you think I act like a spoilt brat? You're out of your mind! Not a care in the world? I wasn't raised . Nobody raised me. I only had one friend an now shes dead. I've done things .Shameful things just to make ends meet . I'm not proud of what I have done but I did it. I did what I had to do to survive. Then the drugs. Damn the drugs. They make me feel better for a minute and drag me straight to hell for hours on end . Spoilt rich kid. You're bloody joking . You have got to be bloody joking."

"I –I –I didn't know. "

"Of course you didn't know . Didn't bother asking either . You just assumed. You think you know it all but you don't .You don't even know the half of it. What hurts the most is how I failed. I promised Hailey I would stop with all the drugs and the alcohol when we found out the cancer was stage four. Two days later she died. The night after her funeral I broke my promise. Drowned myself in alcohol. Drowning my sorrows. The thing is , you think you have drowned your sorrows , but you can't. They don't drown. They hide underneath the surface and wait for the alcohol to wear off. Then they come back. Stronger than before . Shouting and screaming in your head , and the only way to make them stop is to drink more alcohol. Its funny really. The alcohol takes the pain away for a little while . Brings the pain back seven fold. The only way to cure the pain is to drink the thing thats killing you. Its not as bad as it sounds though . After a while you become numb. You stop feeling anything. Stop caring ."

"I'm sorry-"

"Why are you sorry ? You didn't do anything. You are not the one who made my life the living hell it is. Keep your apologies. I don't need them and I sure as hell do not want or need your pity. I'd rather hear your assumtions then have your pity. We're all damned as it is. Don't pity me . Its not worth anything. Just a waste of breath."

The nurse nodded her head and left the room. I don't know why but I almost wanted to laugh. Judge me for the saddistic bastard I am but I could not resist the urge to laugh. I laughed and laughed. I didn't even notice the tears spilling onto the blanket. I cried. I cried and cried. My mood swung drastically as if it were a part of a pendallum . Eventually I stopped crying.

The silence of the room was lonely. I was desperate for companionship yet I cursed myself for relying on other people for comfort. I had learnt to find comfort in pain as a child , yet now i sat wallowing in my misery with no comfort . Only pain. This pain was not the same as the pain of bleeding skin. This pain was sharp and intense and burned my chest mercilessly. This pain was hard to fight . Impossible to ignore. The pain was in no way whatsoever comforting. It burned . It was concentrated on my chest. In a way thats what made it unbearable. It was all in one place. Constantly burning my chest. It hurt more than anything I had ever felt before. The tears rolled down my face , burning my cheeks as they did. The pain was suffocating . My throat burned as I struggled to make a sound and let the pain out.