This Is How I Fall In Love With You

It's Okay

You, with the wide eyes, the nervous laugh and the awkwardly placed hands, pulling at your collar.

You're not as young as you used to be. You've changed a lot over the years, and for that I am proud. We both are. You keep telling yourself you made it this far and you can't fail.

Deadlines are looming over you like a crashing boulder, tumbling and rolling down and you're frozen in place. You have responsibilities you never knew you'd have. You can't let anything distract you because any wrong step will send you over the cliff. You can't imagine a day after all this is past, can't imagine what's beyond that point where your fate will be upon you. The future is murky, a swirling dark void, and you're scared shitless.

You're just really good at hiding it.

You hide behind that smile, or your snarky comments and that pretend fierceness. You say you're okay when you're not, but you keep repeating it until it becomes true. You keep the panic sizzling underneath your skin. You know you can't afford to feel any bit of pleasure and fun because there's no time for that, no logical reason for that when there's so much to do.

You do deserve that little bit of happiness, no matter how hectic your schedule is, you need to be happy. It's okay to watch that cliché romance comedy movie. It's okay to read that cheesy, cliché novel you randomly stumbled upon the internet. Clichés aren't so bad, it's our guilty pleasure. You need your own cliché, that's why they're called that way, because it always happens and there's beauty in that too. The beauty of the familiar, of the too good to be true.

It's okay to buy that tube of nude lipstick you've been saving up for. It's okay to lock yourself up in your room and bawl your eyes out just because you feel like it. It's okay to read through your high school poetry and laugh at how petty things were back then. It's okay to indulge in chocolate sundae. It's okay to wear loose clothing outside. It's okay to stare a little longer at your crush. And it's okay to think he's staring right back.

If you keep trying to look into that murky future, that dark, swirling void, you won't be present in the here and now. So I tell you, sometimes it's okay to wear your heart on your sleeve.

It's okay to feel feelings.