Shifted Tides

Warning

      "Now be warned that this over the counter medication has severe side effects and can cause depression which may lead to suicidal thoughts."
       
     Funny. I can either take the pills that can keep me breathing and be depressed or don't take anything and still be depressed.

     I want to try not taking the pills and see how long I can last but quite frankly, my mom would kick my ass.

     She's definitely stronger than me. I assumed that I would have to be the strong one in a tough situation yet again but my mom has been stepping up to the plate lately. I can finally be a kid for once.

       I haven't been a kid since October 27th of 2009. I was just barely nine years old and my dad was taking me to go get a halloween costume. But instead of heading straight to town we had a "pit stop" on the way to Walmart. 

       It was his friends apartment and I didn't think too hard on the fact that no one was there. He kissed my forehead, said "I have to go see a friend but it won't take too long, I promise.", handed me my gameboy, and gave me a warm smile as he shut the door and locked me inside. He didn't show up until the next morning.

      It took me seven years to realize he left me at that apartment to go fuck his girlfriend while my mom was waiting patiently for us to return from "town". They divorced shortly after.

     I don't live with him anymore. His "girlfriend" at that time quickly changed to his wife and she is brutal. I have health issues which I make clear for my own fucked up coping reasons but she used to threaten me if I had to go to the doctor "one more time". They didn't want to pay for the doctor bills.

      She used to call me a waste of space in her house and tried to convince me that my mom is trying to kill me. I'm deeply grateful for my mom though. Without her, my death would have been a surprise and in all honesty, I like to plan for big events.

      We just found out last week that I have a tumor in my urinary tracks and as the doctor put it "May already be cancer". Yay me.

      I personally make it very known between my friends and people in the general ear shot vicinity that I am "sick" or having "health issues". For fucks sake. If I can say I'm dying than so should you.