BTS WINGS

JIMIN - LIE

How many years had it been since that day. The day in which I, myself, had created the illusion of freedom to hide myself from that moment. To think they would let me out now. 

Months had passed since the last time I saw Hoseok. Munchausen disease, the doctor had told me his diagnostics. Everyday passed and each hour my mind was on Hoseok.  How was he doing in solitary confinement?

The day came like every other day. Take my pills, talk to the psychiatrist, eat, rinse, wash and repeat. Accept the protruding feeling I got when Hoseok wasn't around hit me harder than it ever had before. My heart started to throb and crack as I thought of how alone my best friend was.

I was the one who told him to never give up. Never lose hope. Why didn't he keep away from me? Why was I like the snake which had deceived eve?
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.
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Why was I a liar.

On that day I told him that we were allowed to leave, I was the one who decide to break out in the middle of the night. I was the one who should be in confinement.

My psychiatrist had explained that my mind had set up and changed my pattern of thinking. That I had actually convinced myself that instead of breaking out, we were free for discharge.

Idiot.

Was I selfish to think that I could have freedom?

Fool.

I had lost everything. The most beautiful woman in the world. My best friends who I would do anything for.

And your sanity.

That voice raked through my body as I sat inside my room, alone. It repeated over and over again in my head. It's voice was laced with venom and hurt.

Your fault

I grew to accept what the voice was saying. It soon crept into my daily routine. Waking up with the voice there, snarly comments at the ready. The doctor said it wasn't good. My mind was deteriorating and soon my prescription would increase in dosage.

That's because you can't take it

It was right half the time. Even though I hated it, I couldn't help but find comfort when it spoke to me. At least something was truthful.

You should be punished.

The higher dosage didn't seem to help at all. If anything it amplified the once quiet voice. Even though I talked to the doctor about it, he seemed distraught.

"I think this is no longer in my hands," he had spoken after I had commented on how loud the voice had gotten. "I believe your problem can only be solved if you were in a different ward." The doctor explained.

"The crazy bin?" I had questioned rather emotionlessly.

He had timidly nodded and to my surprise I accepted whole hearted.

You no longer deserve that smile.

I stared back at the ink blotches, shrugging my shoulders. My new doctor shaking her head and leaving the room. Unsuccessful, I heard her say behind my heavily barred door. Silence filled the room as I could hear my doctor walking away. But of course everything comes to an end.

This is what you get.

The voice hissed at me.

"I never wanted this." I muttered

This is your punishment.

"Please no, I didn't do anything wrong."

You're a liar. You did everything wrong. LIAR. This is because of you. LIAR. PUNISH. YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE POISON. DISGUST. LIAR.

"Hoseok." I whispered out finally distinguishing the voices owner. As if on que the voice stopped and all was silent again.

"Hyung," I choked on my words. All this time I worried about myself never thinking of the person I put in misery. I gripped onto my hair pulling roughly at the strands.

"Hyung, I'm so sorry."