These Coming Years

Chapter Six: Let Me Explain

Spencer and Brendon booked the room beside mine to stay. Apparently we were staying the night in New York, and then they had something else planned, although they refused to tell me what it was. They gave me my room key, and helped me carry my bags into the room. I awkwardly thanked them and they left to get settled in the next room.

We'd spent only a few hours together since I'd arrived, but I was beginning to feel like Brendon would never talk to me. I was also just terrified for him to say anything to me anyways. I didn't want him to tell me there was someone else in his life, and I didn't want him to say that we were better apart. I didn't know what I exactly wanted. It felt too selfish to just demand that he love me the way he use to, but I couldn't deny the desire to hear those words.

To take my mind off of it, I decided to put together an outfit for the next day. I sat cross legged on the floor with my suitcase, pulling out shirts and pants, trying to mix and match them. It was difficult trying to make the process take time, and it was quickly resolved. I had the next day's outfit folded on a chair, and what I was going to sleep in folded on top of that.

My body was so tired, and I just decided to flop down on the mattress. I closed my eyes, considering all the possibilities this trip would open up. My mind had just begun to wander into sleep mode as I heard a soft knock. My body instantly shot upright. I ran my fingers through my hair as I hurried to the sound. I grasped the door handle and pulled the heavy door out of my way. Brendon stood in the hallway, his hands in his pockets, looking like a lost pup.

He gave me a very small smile. I pulled the door further open and invited him in. The door clicked shut loudly, startling my ears as Brendon took a quickly look around the room, and turned to look at me. It was silent for several seconds.

"So," I interrupted the quiet, "What's up?"

"I just figured now would be as good a time as any to talk," he sat down on the bed. I pulled the chair out from under the table and set the clothes down on the floor. The chair would allow me to sit and relax, but not be too close to him. I feared my rational mind would lose focus if I got too close. I had to be strong.

"How about you go first," I suggested. "I'm all ears."

He let out a short chuckle, "Alright." He sighed and tapped his knees softly. "Where do I start? I told you everything in the first letter. I was young, and stupid, and I didn't know how to control my emotions." He shook his head. "I don't know. When you wouldn't come with me, I panicked, and ended up just being an ass. I didn't know how to end it properly."

I had nothing really to say to him besides reassuring him that he was in fact an ass to me. I didn't want to have a horrible conversation with him, however. I held my tongue, and allowed him to continue.

"If I could change the way it had happened, I would," he said. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"What did you want to do?" I asked.

"I...I wanted to take you with me," he answered, his dark eyes beginning to spark with anger. "But I just... I don't know, Lisa. I didn't know what to do when you said no. I was a dumb kid." He let out a bitter breath. "That's no excuse. And I'm sorry."

My body felt as though it would begin to shrivel. His guilt was plain, and I was ashamed at how many nights I had spent thinking that he was completely unaware of what an ass he was. "I'm sorry too," I admitted.

"For what?" he shrugged.

"For not going with you, I guess?" I didn't actually know what to apologize for, but I felt the need to do so.

"You don't have to be sorry for not being ready, Lisa," he laughed at my blushed face. "I do wish my instant response hadn't started up your attitude though." I stared at him questioningly. "I mean, damn. I didn't expect that at comment to have any real effect on me, but I thought about it all the time."

It took me only moments to vividly remember what had happened that day.

~

Fine, I thought to myself angrily, he wants to play this sick game, I can do better.

I heard him follow me as I stepped down to the first floor. He stood at the second floor, staring at me with his hands gripping the railing. He looked like he was about to say something, but I didn't want to let him speak.

"Have fun with your dreams without me in them," I spat.

And I left.

~

"You were suddenly just so different," he recalled. "I just watched you stomp out of my life. You looked like a violent storm the whole way down the stairs." His eyes stared up at me, longingly. "I was about to try and take back what I'd said, but you were quick to shut me up."

"How could I possibly have let you say one more word after everything you'd just said?" I demanded. My skin started to tingle and burn. I didn't know what this feeling was about. Anger? Discomfort?

"I don't blame you," he murmured, staring down towards my hands. "It was difficult to leave," he continued. "And when I got your letter, I was just hoping with all my might that you would stay home long enough for me to get another letter to you, but you left and... Once you were gone, I started to doubt myself. I doubted your feelings for me." He shook his head once more. "That letter sat around for six years because I was just too afraid to know what your response would be. Because I just kept hesitating, and I hated myself for it."

I sighed. "I guess we both just need to stop hesitating."

"Yeah," he agreed with a short laugh. "And then-bam! I'm suddenly slapped with this new letter from you, and I realize I can't waste anymore time, and I just had to utilize this chance. I immediately bought the ticket and sent it to you."

"What if I had said no?" I crossed my arms.

"I was pretty confident that you'd say yes," his eyes softened as he grinned. I felt the corners of my mouth pull up as well. "I've missed you, Lisa," he admitted quietly.

"I missed you everyday," I told him, feeling heavy in my seat. He reached out to me, lightly grazing his fingertips on my hands until they accepted him. Our fingers intertwined with each other, and I felt like we were just kids again. The storm erupted and his lightening began softly striking my skin the same way it did years ago.

My heart was pounding in my ears and my toes. My body ached for some sort of relief. His eyes glistened and burned, pinning me in my place until his hands pulled me close to him. My body wasn't ready for the sudden shift, so I ended up collapsing, causing our embrace to lay down on the mattress.

Finally, the ache was gone.