THE REAL ELF ON THE SHELF

SUGGESTED ACTIONS AGAINST THIS MENACE

MATERIALS:
-Duct tape
-Tiny chair
-Grill
-Oven
-Rope
-Saw
-Food processor
-Matches (or lighter)
-Bear trap (optional)
-Bird cage (optional)
-Kitchen (or other) knife
-Guard dog (optional)
-SWAT team (optional)

STEP 1: Find where Elf has hidden last. If he is not there, keep searching to find him.

STEP 2: Grab Elf tight. If this doesn't work, use bear trap to restrain Elf. Use rope to secure Elf to chair. Use duct tape to reinforce rope.

STEP 3: Threaten Elf with knife. If still wary of Elf, stab it in abdominal section several times to make your point.

STEP 4: Make bad pun with "point" and "knife." If Elf laughs, duct tape its mouth. One can never be too careful.

STEP 5: You now have several options. They include: burning Elf with lighter and or matches, grilling Elf, sawing Elf with saw, placing Elf in oven, or using food processor to be rid of the Elf.

STEP 6: This step is optional. If you won't want to kill the Elf, you may restrain Elf with bear trap (or other method) and place Elf in bird cage, using rope, zip ties, or duct tape to restrain it. Sell or keep Elf. Your option.

STEP 7: If all else fails, call Elf Help Hotline. 1800-ELFHELP. If that fails, go to military and beg for use of SWAT team.

Thank you.