The Space Between You and Me

PART THREE

unedited

I left the day after the worst day; the day where I discovered your love was nothing more than half a night we spent under the moonlight, bodies pressed together, hearts beating as one; an empty lie built on false hope and stolen kisses.

A one way flight to nowhere, booked from a motel room that smelt of dew and dust but not of you. I relished in the heavy scent, trying to eliminate your smell from my mind (peppermints and lemon and home), trying to eliminate you from my mind, but you continued to haunt me.

I tried to cut out my heart, placing the tip of a rusted knife to my chest and digging digging digging, but it was no longer there; you had taken my heart with you when you left and now I was left with nothing but an empty cavity in my chest threatening to swallow me whole, even when there was nothing left of me to swallow. I tried to peel away the layers of my skin, scrubbing scrubbing scrubbing your scent off of me until the water ran so cold that my teeth shook, but you still lingered (peppermints and lemon and hope) no matter how hard I scrubbed. I wondered how long it takes skin to replenish itself and decided that it took too fucking long because I could still feel you, warm and cold, loving and empty, chapped lips pressed against my own. I wondered how long it took you to replace me.

I missed my first flight so I booked another, the second destination further away than the first; although it did not matter where I went as long as it was away from you and your false hope and empty eyes. I needed to escape before your love swallowed me whole.

Mother didn't notice I was gone; or she did and she didn't care, most likely relieved that the Devil had left her household for good. I was the one that was holding her back from the perfect family she had envisioned, a perfect child, a loving husband, a flawless reputation washed down with a Sunday service; I had stolen it all from her. Her forgiveness was harder to gain than God's.

I spent days, weeks, years trying to forget you; trying to erase you from my mind. I wanted a clean slate, but that was impossible with the dark stain I left wherever I went. I travelled to every continent. I travelled until I couldn't travel any more and then travelled some more; trying to find someone, anyone, to fill the hole you carved in my chest with your sharp tongue.

I spent every night in a bar or club, smile flirtatious and eyes dead. I learnt the art of seduction, where to caress, how to fuck. When people failed, I turned back to prescription medication, popping pills until I blacked out and waking up in a stranger's bed only to repeat it the next day. But self destruction is expensive, so I sold myself for enough cash to buy another bottle of happiness.

If you saw me then, if you saw me now, would you be ashamed?

You created this.

Over the years I tried to hate you, I really did. I cursed your name until I lost my voice. I filled my bed with strangers, calling out your name. I stopped eating, trying to eliminate you from my body with sheer willpower; yet none of it worked. I carved your name into my skin, four letters, two syllables, then crossed it out again; but my darkest days, the worst of the worst of the worst, I still cried out your name, calling you to me, begging you to love me (like I loved you). You left me and I was drowning.

You created this.

Only one person was willing to try and put together the mess you left behind. Seven letters, two syllables, a heart full of gold and sunshine and hope. They didn't leave after I cried after sex, calling out for you to save me. They wrapped me in their long arms, strong and safe and held me as I shook for hours on end. We moved from fucking in the dark to dinner dates and movie nights and hand holding and I thought that maybe, just maybe (please) they would be able to replace you; that they would be able to fill the hole your sharp tongue carved in my chest with their honey brown eyes and splattered freckles. We painted and laughed and kissed and laughed some more and I was in Heaven. I called them my angel, sent from God as a sign of forgiveness and they laughed, a warm, musical laugh and kissed me. And I kissed them back. And we were happy. Is this what love, true love, felt like?