what am I doing with life

boyfriend

so we broke up. because I asked. because of my sister. because she go tell my parents.

27/08/2016. A year, 5 months and 15 days.

I know it's been more than a month but yeah. It went like this. I was contemplating whether or not to ask for it. And it took for about week. So I decided that I should and so I waited till recess. And delayed till school ended. Yet I wanted to give it a few days. But Meghan was like, "If you want, you really should just do it." So I legitly ran after him because he was leaving the school and I had remedial. She walked slowly behind me while I went to tell him my intentions. When I reached him, I started laughing nervously and he was confused with my reaction. He probably thought I was crazy. And so I got my shit together and told him. He was shocked at first and was like, "Okaayyy..." and walked off.

The minute he walked off I started crying, luckily Meghan was behind me already and I started crying my eyes out on her shoulder. She was so angry that that was his reaction when I told her about it. But I couldn't say much. I was just too sad and shocked that I actually did asked him for it. Then I started thinking, maybe he didn't like me anymore. That he lost his feelings towards me long before. The reason why when I asked he was so chillaxed and walked off like nothing happened.

I didn't talk to him the whole day the next day till after school. He came up to me and told me that he was sorry for walking off after what I told him. He saw me crying but he thought I was joking about breaking up with him because I was laughing before that. One thing about him is that, he doesn't notice the difference between my normal laughter and my fake laugh. He asked me if we were still friends and I was fine with that. Because we promised to be good friends if we ever broke up. And we did.

We talked like normal friends then till something struck me. I had to ignore him if I want to move on. I need to focus on my studies and score for the End of Year Exams. Because I felt like I was lacking when I was with him and I craved his presence everyday. So I forced myself not to talk to him. Not to look at him and not to think of him. Well, I passed for the first few days but as the days go, I started to miss him again. But because I was close to his best friend too, I had to endure being 'near' him when I'm with his best friend. They had a lot of things in common that make me miss him more. Till one day, his best friend was like, "you better get lost. Your ex boyfriend is angry at me for being close to you. And you guys are not even talking." At the same time there were rumours about me going out with his best friend. It was like I was back-stabbing him. So I got angry and felt a little nervous when I wanted to walk to him and clarify things with him. But I did, eventually. After a few encouragements from my girlfriends, I went up to him and asked if he was angry that I was hanging out with his best friend. He said no but I know he is by the way he glares at his best friend when I said that. Then, I explained why I stopped talking to him. Being the understanding guy I knew he was, he said that it's alright.

Recently, I posted clarifications on my Snapchat that I was not dating anyone and I still had feelings for him. And his best friend was seeing someone else. Because some of my followers were the ones who spread the rumour. So things are much clearer ever since. And I was quite proud of myself when I did that.

Anyway, I started talking to him yet again afterwards till now. I feel like I'm betraying my own self. And I need help. I can't seem to get him off my mind no matter how much I tell myself it's not worth it. Can someone send help?