You Always Have Me

Part 6

The following morning Stevie was awake way before the alarm clock was supposed to go off. With Jeremy pressed up against her back and his arms around her, sadly, he was not the one she was thinking about right now. What happened last night? Why on earth would Lindsey kiss her? And why the hell didn't she push him away as soon as he did so?! Well, she knew the answer - she enjoyed it, it felt nice and she had missed him, but it wasn't right. She wan't meant to be having these feelings anymore. They both had made their choices; Lindsey, of course, over a decade earlier, when he married Kristen, and Stevie herself, only a few short months before, when she said 'I do' to Jeremy. 

With a heavy sigh, Stevie freed herself from Jeremy's embrace, glancing at him, glad to see he was still asleep. It wasn't even seven in the morning yet, so Lily was definitely sleeping too. Needing some quiet time to herself, Stevie went downstairs and into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. A couple of minutes later, she was walking out on the terrace with the steaming hot drink in hand, sitting down, as she then petted Sulamith, her loyal friend for years having followed her outside. 

After so long, no - too long, Stevie finally had everything she had ever wanted. She was a wife and a mother, but... just that one simple kiss made her head spin. She didn't suddenly start thinking of leaving Jeremy, of course not, but she doubted that if Lindsey tried to kiss her again, she would pull back. No matter how hard she would try, she could never deny and be honest, saying that she didn't love him anymore. She would always love him. 

Stevie wished she didn't have to face Lindsey later in the day, because she knew he would want to talk about it and she wasn't really sure what she could say to him. This was dangerous. There seemed to have always been a very thin line where them being just friends and lovers was concerned. But she couldn't, no, absolutely not! She loved Jeremy too, she would hate herself if she did anything to hurt him. On the other hand, being well aware of the pull Lindsey had on her, she also knew that she might hurt Jeremy without having any intention of doing so. Lindsey just had this power over her, where she would completely lose herself, forget about everything and give in. God, how she hated that... 

But Lindsey wouldn't be that stupid, would he, Stevie contemplated. Not too long ago they had given in, they loved each other and not only from afar, they spent night after night in each other's arms, craving each other, speaking of how much they loved each other... They seriously risked everything; Jeremy forgave her, but their affair nearly cost Lindsey his marriage. He knew what was at stake. Surely, he wouldn't go through that all over again. Or would he?

Stevie's mind was stopped from racing by the sound of little feet walking across the tiled kitchen floor and it instantly brought a smile to her face. "Good morning, sweetie. Why are you up so early?"

Shrugging her shoulders, Lily came to Stevie asking to sit on her lap. "I got hungry."

"You got hungry while sleeping?" 

"Yeah." Lily nodded, as Stevie laughed lightly, pressing a kiss to the back of the girl's head. "Well, then we better go and make something to fill up your tummy with." She said, tickling Lily, making her giggle.

The following hours seemed to have passed by too quickly. Stevie was just finishing getting ready, when Karen arrived with a takeout coffee for the road. Taking one look at her boss, Karen knew something was off. 

"What's wrong? Are you not feeling well?"

"I'm okay. Why would you ask me that?"

"You just seem... somethings different about you. You have this thing about you, when you're thinking about something really hard and it shows."

"Oh, that. Well, I am thinking about something, you're right." Stevie held up her hand then. "But I'm not going to say anything, so don't even try." 

Knowing they still had some time, Stevie went in search for Jeremy and Lily, kissing them both goodbye and promising to be back as soon as possible. She then followed her assistant out of the house and into the car, climbing in, as she sunk into the passenger's seat, mindlessly fiddling with her wedding ring. 

"I'm not just your employee, Stevie. You can talk to me, you know that."

"Karen, please..." Stevie trailed off, as she gave a slight shake of her head, facing away, as deathly silence followed. 

Arriving at the studio, Stevie was being bothered with questions too. People close to her, people who had known her for years and years, knew her well, even if sometimes she didn't want to admit that, as she loved the whole mystery thing that added so much to her persona. At first it was Christine, then it was Mick. John could sense something was up, too, but he never had been the one to get into all that drama surrounding the band, nor was he about to start now. 

Since Stevie wasn't saying anything, everyone pretty much let it go until it was time for a lunch break. Lindsey was the only one, who knew exactly what was on her mind and he hated seeing her so concerned about it. 

"Stevie?" He asked softly, but she didn't even look up. "Come on, don't be like this."

"Like what?" 

"Can you please come with me?"

"Why?"

Lindsey was never known for his patience, but he knew that this time he had to stay calm. "I want to talk to you." He was glad in a way, that she was eating by herself, so he didn't have to be overly secretive about wanting to get her somewhere private. "Please?" He pushed further and letting out a deep breath, Stevie stood up and followed him out of the room.

"I'm sorry I kissed you, it was an accident."

"But you deepened it nevertheless, you didn't pull back."

"Neither did you." Knowing it could anger her, Lindsey said it anyway, as it was also true. "I promise you, that won't happen ever again."

Her eyes welled up with tears, as she hugged herself around the middle, looking at him. "You know what the worst part of it is? I want you to kiss me again. I want so much more than that..." She admitted quietly, shocking Lindsey. 

"Wha- what? I thought... I thought you were happy, that you loved him?"

"And I do love him, I am happy, but..." Taking a moment, Stevie added. "It was just a simple touch of lips, Lindsey, and..." Fighting back more tears, she continued. "And it flipped that switch on again. I barely slept last night, I woke up early this morning, unable to stop thinking about you. I can't lie. I understand it's wrong and I've tried so hard to keep the feeling locked up, but I realized that I... that I still love you so much. It hurts me knowing that I will never be able to love Jeremy as strongly as I love you, no matter what and after all we've been true..."

Since they had gone outside, Lindsey had to take a seat, walking towards a nearby bench. He wasn't expecting to hear any of what he did and it simply was too much. "What does this mean then? To us?" He finally asked her, as Stevie shrugged, sitting down beside him.

"I don't think it can mean anything." 

Lindsey got quiet again for a long moment, until Stevie faced him at last. She saw him crying. She could easily count the times she had seen him crying on one hand...