Lies on the Border Line

The First Cut Is the Deepest

Addiction is something everyone faces at some point in their life. People become addicted to all sorts of things. Smoking. Sex. Some things are bad, others worse. Of all the things to become addicted to, Aaron must have found one of the worst.

It all started when Aaron was young. Years before he even understood what depression was, he'd felt it. While other kids were out, laughing and playing, being happy and enjoying life, Aaron was sad. He never felt like he fit in with the other kids and he could never quite figure out why. He tried to be someone that others would like. He tried to make friends the best he was able. Yet for one reason or another, he was never able to find a place that he felt like he belonged. Sometimes he made friends, sometimes he didn't, but no matter what he always felt alone.

As the years went on, Aaron learned to hide these feelings. He had tried before to tell other people about how he felt. He'd tried to explain it, but he never was able to put it into words. And since no one understood him, he learned that it's better to keep it secret than have people look at you like 'that'; like you're an outsider; like you're crazy; like no one could possibly understand you or accept you for who you are. Aaron watched the other kids and studied how they behaved. He learned how to smile convincingly and to pretend to make connections with the other kids. He had 'friends' and for a while things were 'good'.

This all changed when Aaron became a teenager. For the first time in ever, Aaron found himself unable to hide how he felt anymore. He couldn't laugh. He couldn't smile. In desperation, he lashed out at those around, praying someone would be able to finally understand him. If not that, maybe they could at least stop and look at him long enough to figure him out. This is when Aaron first developed his love for computers and the internet. He spent hours and hours online and would barely sleep. Now, this isn't the addiction I talked about earlier. The addiction that he struggled with for years, and still struggles with today. The internet is merely a tool. He only liked the internet because when he was on it he could pretend to be someone else; he could meet other people that understood how he felt and felt similarly to him; he could connect with people in a way that he never felt like he was able to face to face.

It was about this time that he met Rebecca ('Becca' for short). He met her by chance in an online chat room. Anyone who was on the internet in those times surely would remember AIM chat rooms. Most of them were filled with bots and trolls, but if you bothered to sift through all of that you could, on occasion, find a real person, with real problems, who just wanted to talk; and talk they did. First about basic things like their age, location, and gender... but eventually, they talked about anything and everything that came to mind. It may seem absurd to some, but it was around this time that Aaron developed very real feelings for her, even though she was essentially just words on a screen.

As they got to really know each other, they talked about their problems. This included Aaron's feelings that he struggled with, and he was delighted to find that she had similar problems. He learned that she had 'depression' (among other problems), and that he likely had this depression as well. For him, it was great to finally have a name for what it was to try and make sense of it. Keep in mind that while depression has always been prevalent in society, during this time information about it wasn't as easy to obtain and if it wasn't talked about at all, it was behind closed doors in an ashamed way. It'd be a few years yet until mental health became something that people would talk about freely, and Aaron though Aaron wanted to talk about it, he knew enough about it now to know he should keep it a secret. But he could talk about it with Becca so that was enough for him.

One day Becca signed on, as usual, only she seemed even more down than usual. Aaron could tell immediately that something was wrong by how she was talking and he asked her what was up. She refused at first, dismissing his worries, but eventually she gave in to his ceaseless caring and relentless questioning. Reluctantly she told Aaron her secret. Something that she'd never told anyone else in her entire life. She told Aaron about how her father raped her.

Aaron was completely shocked. He didn't really know what to do with this information, and honestly didn't know how to react. At first he thought she must be joking. After talking with her more and thinking about how upset she was, he knew that she was telling the truth. He asked her questions about it, like what he did and how long it had been going on. At first she didn't want to answer his questions, and she pleaded with him to just forget she said anything. Aaron was already quite emotionally invested in her, so he wouldn't let it go. Eventually she opened up and told him about how her father  sexually abused her, and has since she was young.

Aaron pleaded with her to tell someone that could help her. Aaron didn't even know her last name, or address, or anything relevant that he could give the police if he called them. He was powerless. He begged her to do something about it but she refused. He threatened her, saying he would call the police or that he wouldn't talk to her anymore if she call them herself. She said that she was sorry but she couldn't, and then she said goodbye. Desperately, not wanting to lose his friend, he begged her further, before resigning all hope of getting help for his friend.

After an emotionally trying experience, both of them were feeling extremely depressed and beaten. They started talking about suicide. They had previously talked about thoughts of suicide with each other. Why they wanted to. How they'd do it. But this time the talk seemed a lot more serious than before. Aaron could tell that she was genuinely ready to do it, and he tried to cheer her up, to get her to do anything other than that. So she told him that she would cut instead.

Aaron hadn't encountered anyone that had hurt themselves before and he questioned her about it. "What do you mean cut?" She explained how she would cut herself with a razor blade; usually on her arms, legs, or thighs, but also sometimes on her breasts, around her vagina, or on her butt.  Aaron didn't understand why she would physically injure herself. She told him how it helped her deal with her feelings; how she did it often; how she hid it from everyone. Aaron asked her not to cut, because he didn't like the idea of her being in pain. She said that it was either that or she was going to kill herself.

Aaron said, "If you cut yourself, then I'm going to do it too."

She said, "Ok."