Forest of Rope

Chapter 3

This was Riley's fifth final straw, his “last” venture beyond the point of no return and he was in a hurry to keep that determination alive. As he scavenged the apartment for the remainder of his belongings, he struggled to expunge the nagging doubts that were receding back into his conscious. The very same doubts that had successfully won him over the four times prior.

Try as he might Riley couldn't help but talk himself out of it. He supposed that he had always been this way, that getting cold feet was simply in his nature. Yet on the other hand, he was desperate to end the cycle, to break the mould and free himself from a prison of unconditional love, her prison...

The air was cold because Riley wasn't intending on staying the extra half-hour it took for the central heating to kick in. It gripped him compellingly, as effective as the apprehension that weighed him down with self-doubt and worry.

He was only a few trivial items away from seizing his long-planned escape. He stood in the hallway seemingly undeterred by the tirade of crude emotions battling on inside and glanced back toward the bedroom. His suitcase was propped open on the mattress, waiting impatiently for him to overcome his indecision. The case had waited a solid three hours now (give or take) and in that time had seen itself closed, shelved, retrieved and reopened again with each new change of heart.

Riley knew that time was against him. A vision of Alexis coming through the door to catch him in the act strayed dangerously through his mind. He tried picturing the scene as he approached the bed, abandoning the search for his father's wristwatch and Alexis's stash of antidepressants.

He pondered how she'd react, if indeed she'd react at all. In fact Riley suspected that Alexis was already expecting him to make the first move, to cast the first stone. The scenario was a parallel to their first meeting. After all, had Riley not approached her first the two would never have found each other.

He mused on his thoughts, mumbling to himself, unaware of how paradoxically old he sounded as he closed the case down with force. The zip slid shut with a furious swipe and everything was set to fall apart.

This is it. He accepted after a brief recapture of breath. I'm really doing it this time.

He took a look around the bedroom and marvelled at how empty it now appeared. Every last trace of his existence had been purged. It was a sight not so unfamiliar to him now at the tail-end of a six year relationship. Too many times had he purposefully evicted himself from his own home before shamefully returning everything back to its original position. He'd forgotten the amount of times he'd stripped the hangers of his closet bare before ultimately redressing them again.

The thought both saddened and enraged him at the same time. He should've known better than to keep himself trapped here. How he'd endured it for this long was way beyond him.  

He supposed he'd rejected the concept of rejecting Alexis because she was all he'd ever known, there was no one else. It was possible that Riley had failed to go through with leaving so far solely because of that reason. He had nowhere else to go, nowhere except the last place he'd ever think of returning.

A solid minute rolled by and Riley hadn't budged an inch. He could feel a spell of regret coming on like a cold. Terrified of losing his initiative he tugged firmly at his hair to keep the apprehensions at bay. Without further hesitation he clutched the handle of his case and dragged it along with him out of the bedroom. He shuffled in his step, unbalanced and clumsy as he bounded down the narrow corridor, indifferently knocking several pictures off the walls in his wake.

When Riley reached the door he did not look back. He'd left his key along with the note on the bedspread which he could only hope would be enough to explain. Without even pausing for breath, he outstretched his itching fingers for the doorknob and made his exit. On his way out Riley wanted to feel relieved but was too shell-shocked by his own actions to feel anything at all.