My Story- Blobfishwriter

Night Time

So here is my "nightly routine"...
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During the day I feel fine. I'm happy and laughing with only a little darkness of guilt. Guilt of knowing I shouldn't be okay. But I ignore that. I distract myself by doing task or endlessly binging YouTube and Netflix.
But when the dreaded words 'go to bed' roll around. All terrors break loose...

It start if with that little click. The tiny noise my light makes when I turn it off. I sprint and jump into bed. And surround myself in covers.

Then the part I hate the most... I freeze.

So imagine you see a bear or a luon or something... you freeze in fear. Unable to make a sound or breathe even a small twitch sends dread and fear into you.

That me laying down in the dark surrounded by the unknown. The closet is yhe thing that scares me the most. There is always at least one shadow or light. And this paranoia feeling drowns me. The huge mirror on my wall across from me is also torture. I can only imagine seeing something in that reflectiin. And the eerie shadows of the night are seen in it to. And then there is even more fear. My old house make noises, like every other house. But they seemed to magnify at night to me. Like I feel like I hear doors closing and a single footstep. I can never tell if it was in my head from how scared I was or real. And then I over think. What if a burglar I'd in our house. The gaping doorway that filters the only light that reaches my room, is haunting. It's like I'm expecting a stranger to hovering in the doorway.

And all my thoughts rush back to my head. The names I've been called. The rumors I've had. The failure I have grown to be. What all I have done wrong. What all I regret.

But then I realize how heaving I'm breathing. Panicking causes me to start breathing faster and that's to much movement. To much. So I barely breathe, enough not to faint. Slowly so it looks like I'm just a pile of blankets.

And maybe after a couple of hours i fall asleep.

And wake up to only do it again... over and over every night.