Silent Memory

1948
It was a friday morning august 13th when I took my first step into 4th grade classroom. I was back to school after just having a summer break. I saw each of my classmates rushing to their seats just to take the best side of the two sit table. My seat was next to Walters, who was the coolest boy in class. He always came with a new toy to school, either it was a toy soldier or it was a new steel bus. His father Charles Lazarus was the owner of "Children's Supermart" on East Georgia street.
Walter had brown shiny hair and looked a lot like his father in that time. He had those big ocean blue eyes from his passed away mother and those skinny sticks for legs.
Walter was running towards the seat next to Jocelyn just so Mr.Lawrence wouldn't notice him not sitting on his seat, so of course Jocelyn's very closest friend Margaret had no choice but to sit on Walters empty chair next to me. Jocelyn was the daughter of two famous opera singers. When Mr.Lawrence walked into the classroom and greeted us with a good morning class, we all answered Mr.Lawrence back with a "good morning Mr.Lawrence". We all got permission to sit down on our chairs while Mr.Lawrence gave us his back turning towards the green board writing with his white chalk starting with the word "Summer". Mr.Lawrence turned and asked Jack what he thinks when hearing the word summer. Jack the nervous neighbour kid who lives in the house across mine, answered as always just how the teacher wanted him to answer. Jack was shaking his voice unknowingly saying:
When I hear the word summer I think about a season with lush greenery and a day when mother took us to uncle to play with our cousin.
Which parent was it? I can't remember. Any how Mr.Lawrence looked proud of Jack and gave him a nod as if it was his own son that was talking. I could see how Jack and his twin brother James was all nervous as if James on the other side of the classroom next to the window got up with Jack. It was probably a sibling thing. I wanted to know how that felt like, having a sibling I mean. But that feeling is long gone now.
I remember everything so clearly, like it was yesterday.
As a young boy I was always lonely, it was not that I didn't enjoy company but I had no friends, especially when I was 10 years old as I was at that time.
Almost a week later Walter walked up to me after school and asked me if I wanted to join him, Jack and James to play at his house. I was surprised, but in a good way. Did he even know who I was? Of course he knew I was the neighbour since my house was 20 feet besides his, but still that was what I thought. I asked myself, was I John the lonely boy invited to play at the Lazarus house? I answered quietly saying:
What would we do exactly?
I don't know, we'll find something to do. Do you want to?
I took a deep breath before answering.
Yes I would like to, but first i have to talk to my mother.
Alright. You do that, and hey! You can come over at four o'clock.
He gave me this motivated look and turned to Jim walking together towards the schoolyard. I walked slowly behind them and could hear people laughing, wind blowing through trees and a bouncing ball. I could hear it louder and louder. It was probably from a soccer game played by 9th or 8th graders.
By the time I got to my porch I was standing on the green and yellow mixed grass and I felt the white sky looking at me, so I opened the door and looked to the right thru the kitchen door if mother was there and shouted for her. I remembered that she answered me from upstairs with a feather voice and I then ran upstairs thinking that she needed help with the clothes. I wanted to go and play so badly I was up for anything, just so I could go to the Lazarus house. My mother was a really stubborn woman so I really got to be kind.
I got up to mother and asked her kindly if she could let me go and play with Walter Lazarus and the twins from across our house. Jack and James were good to hang out with in parents eyes. I was holding the soaking wet dark blue and white checkered shirt making this light blue colour together.
Do you mean Charles Lazarus son?
Yes, he is my classmate at school.
I replied with my tum squeezed under my four fingers.
Yes John. You may go to our neighbor's house, but don't you cause any trouble young boy...
No Mother I won't.
I threw myself into her arms while she was holding soaking wet clothes putting my arms around her. She hugged me back with that hug you only get once in awhile, the special powerful hug.
It was four o'clock when I took my boots out to the porch with no jacket on and started to put them on. The white sky had turned into grey. When I knocked at the door to the berry red house a man in his 30s opened up and welcomed me. It was Mr.Lazarus that looked like he had slept all day with his swollen brown eyes looking at me. He said that the boys were upstairs in Walter's bedroom, they were playing with the toys newly brought from Mr.Lazarus store. I came into the room and Jack and James were fighting over some toy soldier. I didn't understand anything. I got in and I sat next to Walter. Walter looked very bored playing with his bus, rolling it back and forth.
Hey guys! What are you doing?
I obviously saw what they were doing, I just wanted to say something to make them all wake up.
Hey John. Walter replied with an interested expression. Would you guys go out and play at the lake with me?
Sure...
I said looking at the twins who were still fighting but over something else.
Guys?
Still no reply for Walter from the twins, all caught up with their fight.
Come on John, they are always fighting like this. It's normal, believe me.
I walked behind Walter.
Dad! I'm going out.
He said to his Father who was listening to "Anytime" with Eddy Arnold on the radio, while flipping through the 19th of august paper.
Don't be late.
We went out from the front door down and our feet got down to the gravel ground. We followed the gravel path down to the lake. The lake had stones you could walk on. We played that the water was fire and that the first one to fall lost. I was in front of Walter when I heard a big splash in the water. Walter lost and I was still standing thinking I ruled this planet until Walter dragged me down to him. We were laughing so hard we almost stopped breathing. He turns to me splashing water to my face, me doing the same thing back to him. I swam ashore as he was chasing me. I could barely breath of all the laughing. It started to rain when I came up. Walter was right in front of me then climbing up beside me. We were both breathing heavily. Searching for oxygen. When we did get air we both looked at each other and blasted out a big laugh. It started to rain and as we started to walk towards the house the thunder stopped us making a heavy sound and making the ground shake. We started to run. We were both looking at each other standing in front of our front door, he was standing on the gravel ground and I was standing on the green and yellow mixed grass. In we walked.
The following day in school we started the same time as always 8 am. My vision in my head was that Walter was running towards the seat next to Jocelyn as always, but what happened ? I asked myself. He... he was running toward his own seat next to me. The one that was owned by Margaret at that time. Jocelyn looked very confused as he sat on his own chair.
Walter and I were out all the time, skinny dipping and having fun. We would run on the block all night and day and whenever the sun came out we would go out and play. We did not want to get older.
Still we got older, bummer. Anyhow, years passed and it was almost christmas day as I had finished a day of 9th grade. This christmas we spent christmas at the Lazarus's house with Walter's father, grandfather, my mother and Walter's small cousins that were living with their grandfather in Washington D.C. We gathered all eight of us and we danced around the Christmas tree at the 25th december in a snowy evening. I remember grandfather said a joke
Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path and by all means you should follow that.
We all laughed just how Christmas was supposed to be like. When it got dark outside we lightened up the house with candles and happiness, and the grown ups had a little chat. Me and Walter were talking about Jocelyn and when he was going to ask her out, so out of nowhere grandfather turns to me away from the adults and asks me
So John, did I hear you're in love with a Jocelyn?
I cleared my throat and voice a little bit before answering
No sir, Walter is in love with her and has been ever since 4th grade
I saved myself with, or that's what I thought I did. I saw how Walter was holding his mouth in a big circle, making me feel horrible for saying that so I wanted to save the situation by saying
Jocelyn White is a daughter of two famous opera singers.
Is that so young man? Boy you've got you're head in the clouds and you have made a fool out of yourself. He says to Walter.
I made it all even worse. Walter got really hurt and showed it by getting angry, he then ran upstairs as I hesitated to run after him I sat there only to get verbally attacked by the grandfather who was smelling whiskey of too much Jameson.
So boy why don't you have a young lady, are you a queer boy?
Now Mr, don't you accuse my boy of being strange, he is a fine young boy.
Mom said in a defensive way as if she thought I was but that she was the only one allowed to say it. I did not even respond, I walked away. Not even Mr.Lazarus could say anything against him, I could see him feeling intimidated by his own father. When hearing they were over the conversation I walked up the stairs towards Walters bedroom. The door was closed and I opened the door to find Walter crying and yelling at me saying "Shut the door!" and mumbling about how unfair I was downstairs. I closed the door and he stopped talking. He didn't make a sound. I sat beside him on the bed, looking down to the floor.
You know, of all my friends no one knows the crap I go thru with my grandpa more than you.
I know, Walter I'm sorry.
I said with a deep and calm voice hoping he would forgive me easily.
I don't want to talk to you.. Alright Johnny?
Walter can I just say something, I know you're still mad at me. I just want to say that it was two people having a conversation, okej? It wasn't just me, it was a conversation build on two people.
I wanted him to understand it from my point of view. He stood up from the bed facing me from a distance and replied
Yes, well I expect this from him, alright? He has always been a freudian nightmare.
He said with his hands in the pocket of his pants.
Okej well, if he always behaved like this. Why don't you say something then?
I stood up facing him, still from a distance though.
He got overstrained and had a red face replying
Because it's complicated. It's complex. It's... ehh. Hey you sided with my grandpa!
Walter replied wanting to find his way out of the question. He didn't make any sense. Why were he so angry? Was it just because he thought I sided with grandpa or was it something else? Was he really that angry or was he exaggerating?
Are you jealous of him?
I thought a small joke would make him cool down.
That's very funny, are you done now?
No! You mean you're not gonna' talk to him? You're not gonna' tell him how you feel?
He walked towards me saying
Eh, that would be a no. Look, just because you had a nice conversation with my grandpa doesn't mean that you know him alright? Trust me you can't talk to him.
Okej, you can't? I pointed on the side of his head with my finger above his ear. Then I touched his chest with my finger asking. Or you can't?
He looked at my hand, his chest and then looked into my eyes, just where I wanted him to look. He looked at me with a deep mysterious look as his cheekbones were more visible from where he was standing. He stood just below his golden ceiling lamp. The situation got really odd in a way. We stared at each other a while and out of nowhere Walter kissed me. I kissed him back. It was a tingly, soft and yet a stiff kiss. Our arms were just dangling. I don't think we dared to touch each other, only the lips did. I could not get enough, it felt really new and good in a way. I leaned back making an end to the kiss when I got this stomach ache, I felt guilt. Guilty of something I was taught was wrong. We were both taught it was wrong. You were supposed to kiss and get married to a girl, not a boy. We knew that we had done something unacceptable. We walked down stairs as we knew that nothing could bring us down not even if grandpa was attacking us. We pretended that nothing had happened, no kiss, no fight, only christmas had happened.
The clock ticked away to a morning in 1963. I woke up by a nightmare. A nightmare followed by a black skye in day. It wasn't cloud, it was something else something horrible that had happened. A skye black of sorrow. I had not seen Walter for almost 9 years and I never had the courage to ask his father why he had not come back after he was sent to boarding school in january 1954.
That same morning I had gotten a letter. I got permission to serve my country at 24 years old. I went to Vietnam that year. I got letters from mother every week. After a few months we moved on to a different state in Vietnam and as we sat at the plane more than two hundred men, marines we were. Some older than others and some more experienced than others. I looked around and I could really see a difference, the more experienced men, the quieter and withdrawn they were. I thought to myself that they couldn't handle the pressure. I looked around to see a man with spit shiny leather boots, shaved head, carrying a gun as I was too, we all looked alike, but something was different with this man. His ocean blue eyes and his maskulin body was looking at me. Only for a short while, he stopped when a man shouted for commander which he responded to. Someone was shouting for John and I did not respond I was all caught up on the commander. I was studying him, in every way I could as he was talking with a marine. I could hear a louder John that was coming from a man from my continent and I saw how the commander reacted to my name but in a discreet way only turning his eyes in my direction. As I responded to the man a few years older than me from the same continent as me. The commander stopped the conversation with the marine, walking towards me.
Johnny?
I knew those eyes. I knew, I knew them from somewhere. I walked away from the man of my continent, without saying a word. I walked towards the commander and hugged him as he hugged me back.
Long time no see.
He squeezed out of him.
I've missed you Walter.
I said to the commander with his shaved head showing, having his marine hat between our chests.
His face was red, only this time it was a red emotional face. I could feel how warm and wet my shoulder got of his warm tears. He made sure no one saw him in that position so he wiped away his tears from his face, stood up straight and greeted me as people were walking by. If a commander greeted to a soldier he was a well respected soldier.
A week or so later we were four men gathered under a tent. We were playing chess, listening to the beatle boys on the radio and drinking whiskey from an old bottle. Dave was from my unit and Jacob was from Walters. Dave and Jacob had drank a lot of whiskey so they got tired and rested a bit before marching. Walter walked out of the tent to take a smoke and I walked behind him. He laid down on the green grass and lighted up his brown cigar. I sat next to him watching him, smoking his cigar so wonderfully. Opening his mouth making the smoke look like a slow grey fire. He was looking at the open night sky. I didn't want to ruin the wonderful fire coming out of his mouth by making him talk, so I laid on my arm next to him watching his fire dance. I felt hypnotised. He came closer to me as we were sharing oxygen. He told me I should take it in, my jaw opened itself waiting for the smoke to circulate in my lungs. I closed my mouth to feel his. I was scared as hell, and I was still testing my luck. I felt his lips and his teeth. He did not tell me to stop, I wanted more. We got lost in each other's lungs. We were in so deep we could not stop for even a second. We pulled each other together, we wanted to become one. We were the most intimate any of us had ever experienced before. I never knew loving could hurt that good.
Once the sunrise met with heaven we noticed a star fly by. I told him to wish something with a humorous voice. He replied with a serious and satisfied look that we already were two stars in a wish.
A few hours later, me and my unit were marching and singing with the commander. We stood in a line when the commander made a stop. He was passing each and every one of us, teaching us how to stand, how to get a deeper voice and telling us that we are the men who represents our country. He passed me, and I saw him looking at me from the corner of my eye, looking for my eyes. I thought that I should listen to him, that we should be discreet so we wouldn't get caught. He was preparing us for the war we had come for. I couldn't quite see what the future held and all I could think about was Walter and me. I only pretended I didn't want to look into his eyes. When in reality I wanted to punch him for being away for so long as he would punch me back and kiss me. I remember what the people said, "Time moves slowly but passes by quickly" and I wasn't listening at all. I thought we had our whole lives on us, we weren't in any hurry.
As days went by we had reached the war and I still had not told him how the anger in me was eating me from inside. I did not want to ruin our time together so I kept my mouth in its position.
I kicked in a door and yelled my commands. There were children crying. We took the men away to the field from their family and friends, we placed a bag over their heads. We stripped them down to their birthday suits. My men pissed in their hands. Beated them with guns and batons. I told them to stop, but then I joined in. Instead of humiliating the men even more I used my gun for the first and last time to make them all silent. There were a man I saw from afar on the field, but my eyes have always fooled me so I figured out that it wasn't true, until another man saw what I saw and went running for the man I saw got hit. I ran after the man, when the man was holding the injured of his wide shoulders. I discovered it was Walter the commander. I got down on my knees to say my last goodbye. Walter said that he never wanted more than what we had and it was too late for me to say the same thing back to him. My tears ran down his cheek next to his tear.
I'm today sitting here and the store we once called "Children's Supermart" is nowadays called "Toys R us".
I'm sitting here In this tower writing, calmly looking by, how people can't breath of all the smoke and how people from the tower across ours are jumping. How a man in a suit and a pink tie just fell from upstairs out, passing our window screaming. People are calling their families to say how much they love them. And what do I do? I don't dare to call my kids to say that all these years I've loved someone more than your mother. I should probably call my grandkids to say that I love them, but then my kids would be devastated. There is no fair, there is only people fighting against people. Flesh against flesh and it's a never-ending competition. It's either I let smoke kill me or wait for the building to fall. But then I would let a doing of humans kill me and I rather do my own choice.