There is still hope in his arms: Christian book with testimony

My Story <3

I was born 3 months premature into a small catholic family my Mom,Dad, Sister. Because of my premature birth I have a disability called cerebral palsy (A congenital disorder of movement, muscle tone, or posture.) and I also have holes in my brain because I have periventricular leukomalacia, or PVL, a type of brain damage that involves the periventricular white matter of the brain.
  Damage to the white matter results in the death and decay of injured cells, leaving empty areas in the brain, which fill with fluid and because of this I am in a wheelchair and I have had many surgeries on my legs. As well as a back surgery  about a year ago.

Through all of my hardships I was able to maintain a close relationship with God because it's hard to have to go through that much when you're a little kid When I was little around 5 or 6 I always loved church I especially do now (i'm 17now) I don't really know why I think that I was just hungry for the Lord's word. When I was little I went to a public school because my mom worked in the system at that time. When I was in fourth grade, my friends started fighting with each other everyday and they were my two really good friends Mia who I've known since kindergarten and one of my really close friends Rachel I met in third grade and the reason of this bothered me so much was they put me in the middle of it and made me decide who's side to take. They made it feel like I needed to choose between two people I loved and I knew I couldn't let go of either one of them Mia and I had a really close relationship and I helped her through everything for as long as I can remember So what did I do it as a fourth grader, I just try to stay away from them but that didn't work because they would just pull me right back in. Putting a lot of pressure into the relationship and pairing that with the pressure I already had I felt trapped with the two people that always made me feel the safest because of all the overwhelming pressure I always used to think things like it would be better if I wasn't here I never acted on anything but then again being so young I never would have thought of any type of harming myself at that time. I did have some nights where I would just break down because it would be bad, but I always manage to Let it go and put a smile on. This went on for the whole school year and my mom got offered another job to go teach at a Catholic school in our town and she accepted so I went to the school I thought it would be better than having to deal with drama with friends so when we went to go have the tour of the school I was ecstatic going in seeing statues of Jesus and Mary holding him as a little baby seeing they had a church in the school made me want to cry. I was so excited to go. On my first day everybody looked at me weirdly it was like they've never seen a person in a wheelchair before which some of them never did so that was almost shocking to me Chelsea a girl there had a mother who was in a wheelchair and her mom eventually got sick of trying and I think I reminded her a lot of her mom so she excluded me from everything with all the girls at school in her little group, so then I tried to be friends with the other group of girls at school thinking that that would be a better idea, they dismiss me. The one good thing though And a blessing to this day my sisters friend from softball introduced me to her sister Erika and was a really good friend I had during softball season. We always joke about it now we say we were reunited. With everyone except for Erika excluding me I was feeling very left out when she wasn't around and I started to miss my friends a lot I'd sit by the wall and cry. It's so sad how we care so much about people that don't know us but I did and when I was finishing fifth grade I have surgery to fix over rotation that was happening in my leg. 6 grade year pretty much went okay it was the first time I heard flyleaf's music I'll never forget that night it was an Easter vigil my mom was the choir director for our church so me and some of her students for choir we're going to the mass and I had Cassie in my songs that my sister put on my iPad when I got it for Christmas that year as I started to like rock music when I was 8 so I loved it, whenever I hear Flyleaf I feel God with me even stronger and get an unexplainable Joy it did help me before I lost my way and it still helps me now. 7th grade was a different story this girl Maya came to our school and became friends with me and she told me stuff about her life and she didn't have a good family life either like Mia and she was having a really tough time with it. So I was there for her. After a while she ended up turning on me when Chelsea came back to our school and she believed all the lies they were telling so she acted like she was still my friend and then when I needed her the most she ditched me which sent me into a type of thing like ' you can't trust anyone then why even have friends?' and I was starting to fall in a type of depression until Mia came to my new school I was so happy I screamed that made rest of the year awesome. But then in 8th grade she went back to our old school and that hit me and I barely had any classes with Erika and I still had to be there for Maya mostly for the reason of thinking God is forgiving so why can't I be? And secretly she was tearing me apart while I was building her up I felt like the laughing stock I heard my name being whispered in hallways I eventually just couldn't take it anymore and I started cutting instead of praying . Frowning instead of smiling. The cutting came from the voices was hearing....... demons were taunting me and I gave in. It started with me scratching myself with a mechanical pencil,then staples,scissors repeat..... During all of this I found some great friends on wattpad because as I said before I loved rock music but I mostly like stuff that was more depressing Because that felt real to me so I met them through bands. One of the best friends that I found that is still here on today is a girl named Sarahi aka Sarahi_Gates81  she is amazing she feels like a sister to me she was the first one who really listened to how I felt and didn't think of me differently I still talk to her all the time and I love her so much <3 <3 <3. Anyway, the cutting went on for a long time even though my friends on helped until we went to a retreat to a Cathedral and a shrine to Our Lady of Guadalupe and I prayed to Jesus for one of the first times again and when I did pray for that it was basically why me this time it was change me I can't even stand myself anymore make me new make me and the little girl that I was who used to scream when her friends would swear and cry when they swore and that's exactly what he did. I felt him wrap me in his arms and I felt like he said "You finally came back home" I was bawling bad I ended up having to turn away from my whole entire class because I was bawling so hard I just felt God's peace and power again it was absolutely AMAZING ! I stopped cutting.... started praying I started listening to Christian music like red, skillet, Flyleaf/ Lacey Sturm, casting crowns, newsboys, and many others. I started reading my Bible again every day, I also love to go outside and look at what God created.I started to really change be more optimistic and love people more. A big turning point for me was when I was able to sit in quiet again for the first time because of the voices that became almost impossible after a whole year a was able to have actual QUIET. Now just got finished with freshman year and I am becoming more confident. Even though I still get sad and have anxiety I know I have people and God to fall back on. Anybody that is going through this I want you to know that there is hope. Love you all <3 God Bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!