You Don't Need Clint Howard

Brian Quinn and Sal Vulcano sat at the table in Brian's kitchen, ready to record the third episode of The Tenderloins Podcast. Joe and Murray couldn't make it, so they decided to try recording an episode on their own this time.

They were discussing a brief outline of what they were going to speak about on the podcast, when strange scratching and thumping noises began to emerge down the hall. It seemed like it was coming from Quinn's closet.

'What the hell was that?' Sal questioned, as the sounds continued.

'Oh, that? It's nothing; just Chessie Cat' Brian brushed it off.

'Nah, man. It sounds like it's coming from the closet in the hall' Sal persisted 'I think I'll go see what it is'

Sal got up before Brian could say anything further and headed straight to the source of the sound. He opened the broom closet and stumbled back in shock at what he saw.

'What the fuck?!' Sal shouted, as Q caught up with his friend 'What are you doing with Clint Howard in your closet. Sorry Quinn, but this is really really weird'

'Chill out bud. This is a robot of Clint Howard' Brian tried to explain 'Come on let's just.. just go sit back down'

Brian attempted to pull Sal away from the closet; back into the kitchen. But Sal wasn't budging.

"Hello Brian. Sandwich?' the Clint robot asked.

Sal shot his friend a weird look. Brian bit down on his lip and scratched the back of his neck.

'Uhh... yeah, I could go a PB&J. How about you buddy? A turkey sandwich?'

'Yeah okay, I guess' Sal said, still confused as fuck.

The Clint Howard robot went into the kitchen to make the sandwiches.

'So.. why do you have a robot that looks like Clint Howard?' Sal questioned, as they both sat back down at the table.

'I just thought it would be cool' Brian shrugged.

'How much was it anyway? You've gotta stop making these purchases, man' Sal went on.

'It was like.. 300,000 dollars' Brian mumbled 'And since when have I made stupid purchases?'

'Y'know, uh.. there are lots of examples but stop trying to distract me from what's going on here' Sal said 'Why were you hiding the Clint Howard robot from me?'

'Because I thought that you'd think it's weird' Brian said.

'Of course I'd think it's weird. You have a Clint Howard robot in your broom closet! I don't think you'd be hiding it from me unless you're using it for other.. purposes'

'What the hell man! Of course I'm not using it for that' Brian retaliated.

Suddenly, the Clint robot's head stuck out from the kitchen.

'Oral?' it asked.

Brian blushed.

'U-Um, n-no Clint Howard robot. No oral' he managed to say.

Sal's eyebrow rose.

'So, you're not doing anything with the Clint Howard robot? Or should I say sex-bot!!'

'Well yeah I am, so what?' Quinn replied defencively.

'Buddy, I mean.. Unless you're into dudes this doesn't really make sense to me' Sal said, a little confused.

'It's not like that man. I was just experimenting a little'

'Even so, why Clint Howard?' Sal asked 'He's not exactly Brad Pitt, if you know what I mean'

'Because he's Clint Howard, man'

'Yeah, but why Clint Howard though? Why not someone more like... me?' Sal said, biting his lip.

He felt his cheeks turn pink and he looked down at his new sneakers.

'Like.. you?' Quinn questioned, surprise evident in his tone.

'Well, yeah... I-I just thought...' Sal stumbled over his words a little.

Quinn leant over and pressed his finger against Sal's lips, stopping him from talking.

'Sandwich?' the Clint Howard robot stood in front of them both, putting the sandwiches on the table.

'Go back to the closet Clint robot' Brian said, starting to regret his purchase a little.

Sal, with Quinn's finger still against his lips, engulfed the finger into his mouth.

'Oral?' he managed to say, despite the finger filling his mouth.

Brian dropped his pants and nodded.

'Oral' he said.