The Heart Wants What It Wants

Chapter Nine!

I gave Jai a bit to cool off before I approached him again. I pad quietly to his room where I knew he would be. He was outside on the balcony standing with his back to the door, still in his board shorts. A cloud of smoke billowed around him. I quietly walk out and wrap my arms around his waist from behind, kissing the middle of his back. A rash of goosebumps cover his skin. Jai reaches an arm back, resting it at my side, looking down at me and met my gaze.

"Hey.." He whispers deeply, tossing his cigarette butt.

He turns around to face me. His hand does not leave it's place at my side. His beautiful blue eyes are covered by his favorite pair of aviators. I swear, my heart is going to beat out of my chest. Just tell him. Don't weasel out.

"I hate when you're mad at me.."

I'm on the verge of tears and I know he can tell. His eyebrows furrow and he takes my face in his hands. "You have to tell him", I tell myself. There's no turning back. If you don't tell him now, you never will. Cmon, you can do this.

"I'm just wondering what's going on with you. This isn't you, Laur.. I don't know who this is but this isn't you. The Laura I know is witty, obnoxious and always laughing." I nod at how he describes me. He's right. I don't want to be anyone else than me. There are some good qualities about me for sure. "Where did she go? I miss her smile, her kisses, how she looks at me... is that wrong?" I shake my head silently, just listening to him, soothed by his throaty accent.

"I love you, Jai.." I whisper, holding his hands that are on my face.

Slowly I open my eyes to make contact with him. I bite the inside of my lip nervously. A small half smile shows on his face as if he's happy that I finally admitted it.

"I love you too. Even if you enjoyed stabbing me with sharp objects."

His addition makes me laugh. It feels nice. It's like I haven't laughed for an eternity.

"As if you're not used to it." I reply motioning to his arms, the random art covering parts of his skin. He shrugs nonchalantly, tossing his head back with an "eh". I love when he scrunches his nose like that. He's like my big aussie gremlin. That's definitely an oxymoron.

We make our way to a lounge chair in the corner. He sits down first considering I'm smaller and won't topple us over. I don't care that it's hot, I need him to hold me. It's the only way I'm going to get through telling him what I need to talk to him about.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I took his silence as a yes when he looks over at me. He has to know why I'm broken. Tell him.

"You can talk to me about absolutely anything. You know that. I want you to trust me."

"I trust you. I just want you to understand why I've been acting the way I have. My last relationship really messed me up pretty bad and put me into a huge depression. It was the first relationship since my dad died so I just wanted to fill the void that was left. I rushed into something that really wasn't good for me but I was rushing to heal myself. It backfired for sure."

I look down at my hands and sigh. My stomach is in my throat again. I feel like his eyes are scrutinizing me but I know they aren't. My mind is just playing with me again. If there was one person that I could get support from, it's Jai. He's sweet, understanding and level headed. Well, most of the time he's level headed. He makes it difficult to think. He's poking my cheek and my side, alternating his pokes. I'm gonna kick his ass. God damn it! I'm trying to be serious here!! It's obvious that he's being a brat because he's chuckling. That doesn't mean he's going to stop what he's doing though. He knows I'm tense so he's being a pest to help me relax. I'm good. I got this. I'm okay. Stop being so damn cute, okay? Stop it!

"So my ex was a total douche. I was never kinky enough for him. I was too "vanilla" too boring. Everything I did, he would critique and judge. I never wanted to share him but he wanted a polyamorous relationship with more than one girl. I thought that if I said no that I would lose him. So I agreed. He had another girl. She was the whore he wanted. She wanted the dom/sub relationship I didn't. She wanted the knife play that I didn't. She wanted to share him. I didn't. In the end, she made him choose between us and he chose her because all he wanted was a poly lifestyle. She promised to give that to him. In the end, I was the one left behind because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I got too big for him. That's why I sacrificed and lost all that weight. I didn't want someone else to tell me how big I was and how ugly and disgusted they were by me. He chose someone who was 1) in her 40s and married. He's in his 20s. 2)her daughter is the same age as him. 3)she lives with her husband because she doesn't work. 4) she doesn't drive 5)never graduated high school because she got pregnant. She doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. She looks like she wears her daughters clothes. She's disgusting. I'm sorry having a formal education and degrees, state licenses and certifications is not enough...I have my own car, my own place, 3 fucking jobs including 2 businesses... that's not fucking enough."

I see Jai clench his jaw letting out a breath I didn't notice he was holding.

"Can I kill him?"