The Invisible Girl

Annie

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, I no longer care about my health, or my happiness, or anything else. I don't even know why I'm still alive, here, breathing right now. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. The daily stress is killing me inside, all the questions, all the doubts, everything... It just slowly makes me slip into my daily habits again. Do you ever feel like your loosing you mind? Loosing track of time and everything you've ever had? Like every single string inside of you has broke, and it feels like being cracked open, hurts like hell. I'm just so tired of being faithless, and living through people's expectations. I can't be what they want me to be. I can't follow the system they want me to follow, and it feels like everything I do, is just another mistake. It breaks you, it just takes your sanity away, it makes you feel smothered and out of mind, out of control. And everything I was going to be is just falling apart and I-I can't take anymore.  I was slowly starting to reach the point in my life where I'm so used to everything. People talking behind your back, people hating you for no reason, and people hurting you and not even caring that they did. Promises will be broken even though they were promised and there are people who you used to talk to everyday that you'll never talk to again. The truth is, I got so tired of getting hurt by caring, so I stopped. I. Sorry if I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad. I'm sorry I might say things that piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying, I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I just miss you, and not in the 'I haven't seen you in a while' kind, or 'where have you been, it's been almost a month'. I miss how your eyes used to listen but your ears didn't, I miss how your arms would brush my legs but we'd both act like we didn't notice, I miss how you'd see me smiling in the corner, and then you'd start smiling, I miss how you'd play with you hair when you got nervous, and I miss you not just the memories... And I loved you, Jesus how I loved you  it wasn't love of course, even I see that now, it was infatuation, but at the time it was love, and it was so passionate, intense and painful, that even after all the years it still hurt to hear your name. I'm a mess, and I believe I'll never be okay again. Sorrow is the only thing I've got left now, and everyday I'm living my life just because I have to, not because I want to, I'm just a waste of space... But somehow I learnt to love you, and... And I love you, but it's too late now. You're happy, but I'll never be...