It's late and I'm tired, but I'm lonely and sad. I know it's okay to feel that way when the world goes silent. I'm ready to sleep, for my eyelids to fall and my mind to be launched in another dream world. Although, I'm tired of these vicious cycles, the same everyday. I want to be different, to not be an average joe, but I'm sure it's impossible. We are all our own average, there's always a contradiction to every contradictory subject, which I'm sure everyone is aware of.
I only hope when I can leave this house, I can leave behind this mindset and start anew. Perhaps its typical teenage behavior, to want to be independent and free. To not have my mother insulting my looks, wanting me to look pretty and beautiful. To not be around my father who's temper can go from 0-100 if a pin drops. I want to stop taking care of what is not mine, and start helping myself. I feel surrounded and suffocated by it all, the only escape being my room. Drowning in false realities, speaking to virtual friends and trying to break my way out of this world with some paint and a canvas.
My friends who are real feel nothing like reality. I know they're there, they see me and I see them. We speak, we listen. I'll be around one, or many, and times will be great, no more stress from my parents. Though, the gossip and vacant gestures leave me spiraling into uncertainty. How do I know they aren't talking about me like I have about them? Why is it I continue when I know it is bad for myself and friendships? Guilt chokes me and I hate it, I hate it everyday.
The fact that my friends are like whispers, quiet and not as powerful as a shout. The fact that when they leave my house, or I leave their's, I'm back in a state of lonlieness and boredom. I question whether if it's because our generation is consumed by entertainment, let it be Netflix or social sites. I am concerned for myself and others of our bittersweet relationships with our holy electronic devices.
Will our children's lives be entirely through the screens of phone instead of our own eyes? I am surprised to see I can write these thoughts down when most of the time I can never gather the words to do so. These are just products of the early morning.
No sense in grasping such stupid and ignorant thoughts, but that's okay because this thing, whatever it is, is strictly for me. I only wish to share to perhaps help someone relate, or something. I need someone, something, I can say these things to and not be shot down.. I feel as if this is the only place where I'm not annoying. Where I'm not a disgrace to others, or a failure. Where I can be honest and true and not face the people around me, but behind screens. It's a safe place, and hopefully it stays that way.
