Sometimes I wish summer wasn't so boring. I don't have much to do, and so I have to busy myself because when I'm not busy.. I start to think. I believe everyone does, I know I can't possibly be alone. I just hate the feeling summer has given me, I just want to sleep the whole way through and magically do my assigned homework at the same time and be back in school.
I'm tired of being stuck in this house when my parents cannot make up their mind. They want me going places one day, and then the next they're telling me I should stay home. I wish I could figure them out sometimes, like why my dad is who he is and why my mom is so manipulative. They've made me into someone who cannot trust anyone, maybe a friend or two? I know I can't blame them for everything, I understand parenting can be hard and it really must have been knowing what they've gone through in their younger years. They didn't have that great of role models either. It can't always be an excuse though, I'm certain.
I've just become so hopeless, I know whoever may be reading this is probably expecting some sort of positive shit, and there might be, but just not now. I want to get there, I really do. I just know I can't. At least not for a long while.
I'm really excited to get back in the swing of things at school and being able to focus on stuff other than family issues and anxiety. I want to learn and be a proactive student, I want to work hard. I know my depression keeps me from doing stuff like that when it comes down to it, I can hope all I want and when the day comes, I can just see myself zoning out and worrying about days to come. I slowly lose the motivation to actually try in my classes and things start to crumble, my grade.. which sends my parents into attack mode. Why am I not understanding? Why did I pick such a hard class? Where's that A at? I have a C? Now that just won't do. Why not ask questions? You'll get over that anxiety.
Now my parents are not awful people, they love me, well I know my mom at least does, and they have taken care of me. I have clothes, food, shelter, and everything I need and sometimes would like to have. They have their boundaries, and I know they just want to see me exceed, they aren't some finnicky/strict parents I know my friends have, but I can tell they really just want me to do better. I want to do better, I just don't know when that'll happen.
I'm wondering where I'll get my motivation from, inspiration doesn't last long when it comes to me being inspired. It's gone in a heart beat, and I'm left with nothing but an emptiness that leaves me very uncomfortable and confused about what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'd like to think its hormones, and it probably is, but am I the only one thinking there's always something more? Or is that my overly-active imagination? Who knows- and if you do, please tell me. I'd love to know.
