unloving joshua hong; jihan/jeongcheol

t h r e e

I took a quick shower as soon as I got home. I put on the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt which was given to me by Joshua’s mom as a souvenir when their family went to Walt Disney World about two years ago.

After spraying some cologne, I rushed down the stairs and found Aunt Heejung in her blue green dress, sitting on our sofa.

“Aish!” she clicked her tongue, “what took you so long, Hannie?!”

“Ugh,” I grunted, “I'm still not used to this hair. I tried styling it a bit, but it looks awful.”

“Aigoo, we’re gonna be late!” She sighed and put the dark locks behind my ear, “Honey, please tell me you're not dressing up for Joshua!”

“Excuse me?! I’m not some girly girl, Aunt Heejung!” I rolled my eyes, “Ugh, besides, their house is just walking distance!”

“Aish! Still, you know I don't like being late!” she grabbed her gift from the coffee table and we finally went out of the house.

It was a three-minute walk from our house to the Hong’s, and my Aunt and I were welcomed by the celebrant.

Joshua’s home was a lot bigger than ours; I have been in and out of their house since I was a kid, but it still gave out the feeling of sophistication. They had a wall full of photos and different souvenirs from America. There was an altar, too, that was full of crosses and images, and a set of the nativity.

Mrs Hong led us to the dining table and offered me a seat. Before my eyes was a scrumptious feast; I gulped as I saw the baked mussels and roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and asparagus on the side.

I turned to their wooden staircase when I heard someone rushing down.

“Yo!” Joshua Hong greeted and sat beside me, “Good evening, Aunt Heejung; evening, Han. ”

“Yep, evening,” I tried moving the corners of my lips for a smile.

Mrs Hong clinked her glass with a fork and got everyone's attention, “As we all know, it's my sixteenth birthday today,” she giggled at her own joke, “and I'm very, very happy that I'm spending it with my beloved husband and son, and of course, Heejung-ah and Hannie whom I also consider as family. May God continue blessing us all!”

Everyone applauded and wished the celebrant a happy birthday. I gulped down my iced tea and wondered, would she still consider me as family if she found out that I confessed to his son? I bet not; I'm sorry, Mrs Hong.

“Here,” Joshua smiled as he put baked mussels on my plate which he got from across the table, “you love these right?”

“Hmm!” I nodded.

We stuffed ourselves with Mrs Hong’s cooking and they asked how my vacation was. Aunt Heejung and I exchanged awkward glances when I made up some story about my mom and my sister.

After Joshua and I helped with cleaning the dishes and table, Mr Hong brought out bottles of soju for the adults. He then gave Joshua cash, saying that we were not allowed to drink because we have university the next day, and so we went to the convenience store to buy some ice cream.

“Hey, Han,” Joshua said and pointed to the bench at the park near the store, “wanna sit there for a bit?”

“Yeah, sure,” I munched on the cone of my pistachio ice cream.

We did not talk for a while and just kept on eating our dessert. It was a cold night and I could hear the eerie sound of the playground swing as the cool wind blew.

Joshua and I used to play in that park with our friends when we were in grade school. I did not want to reminisce, but the memories just kept on coming back.

Back in our second year in grade school, I was often teased by the bullies because of my looks; they would always say that I looked like a girl. There was this one time that I could not take it and cried; I liked this cute girl in our class and so I asked Joshua and my other friends to help me talk to her. She and her friends agreed playing ‘cops and robbers’ at that park, and when we both got in jail, I told her that I had a crush on her, but she told me that I was gross. Tears started brimming my eyes and my best friend saw; Joshua got angry, and the girl started crying when he said that I was even more beautiful than her.

“How could you like that girl?!” Joshua sounded so annoyed as we walked home, “she may look good on the outside, but if she's ugly inside, then she doesn't deserve my best friend.”

I sniffed, “Ugh, Shua! What if no one ever loves me because I look so girly? What if no one marries me? Would I live my whole life alone?”

“Idiot!” he flicked my forehead and giggled, “then I'll marry you.”

I cried hard again because I did not want him to notice my cheeks blushing. The next day, I found out that the girl I liked had a huge crush on Joshua and that she had been jealous of me because I was always by his side. Now that I thought about it, it must have been the start of my falling in love with Joshua Hong.

“Han,” Joshua broke the silence and I flinched a bit, “So...”

“Yupp, what is it?” I raised an eyebrow.

He took a deep breath, “well, I...uhh..so, uhm, what happened on graduation day, I uhh--,”

“STOP RIGHT THERE,” I raised my right hand up and warned him to stop, “I don't, I... I don't really wanna talk about it, Shua.”

“But, you know we gotta talk about this, Han,” the tone of his voice got all serious.

“Lalala...” I sang as I covered my ears.

“Hey,” he tried removing the hands that covered my ears, but I did not budge, “I know you didn't visit your mom, and you were just holed up in your room the whole vacation.”

“Come on,” I stood up, not looking at him and felt my voice shaking, “we should head home, they're probably looking for us.”

“YOON JEONGHAN,” he shouted, “would you please stop running away from me?!”

“YA! Who are you to say that, huh, Shua?!” I bit my lip and pulled back my tears, “It's not like you know how I feel! Now, get your ass off that fucking seat and let’s go home!”

“Then tell me, tell me how you feel!” He also stood up and got closer to me, but I stepped back, “how would I know and understand how you feel if you won't tell me about it?”

I clicked my tongue, tears started falling down my cheeks, “Ya, Shua, are you sure you want to know how I feel?!”

“Of course, Han,” he gave his innocent smile and wiped my tears, “I want to know and understand every thing about you. Aren't we best friends?”

“Fuck!” I shoved his hand and pushed him, “are you sure you still wanna call me your best friend?! I've been dreaming about doing it with you, yaknow?!”

I brushed my hair back, tears kept falling down my face, “I want you to hold me, and I want to hold you. I want to kiss you and cuddle with you. I want you to be mine and mine alone. I don't want you to look at some other girl, I just want you to look at me. I know we can't get married, but I've always imagined us growing old together, just the two of us.”

Joshua started tearing up and I gave a faint smile, “Now tell me, Shua, do you really want to understand me? Can we really be best friends again, like nothing fucking happened?”

Joshua wiped his tears off but did not say a word; I felt my heart getting crushed for the second time.

I took a deep breath and sighed, “I knew it.”