unloving joshua hong; jihan/jeongcheol

o n e

It was the first day of my first year at the local university; I wore my blue and white striped sweatshirt and put on my newest pair of sneakers.

I woke up extra early that day, for I did not want to bump into a certain someone at the bus stop; Actually, I decided to wake up extra early every morning, for the rest of my university years, so as to avoid him. Unfortunately, as soon as I sat on the seat farthest from the driver, Joshua Hong entered the same bus, panting, and waved me a 'Hello!'

"Good morning, Han!" Joshua flashed his innocent smile and sat beside me.

It was so fucking awkward, my heart was beating so fast, but I flashed a faint smile anyway, "Morning, Shua," I put my earphones on and the bus drove off.

I unlocked my phone screen and shuffled my playlist; 2am's 'Can't I love you?' played and I immediately deleted the song before it even reached the second verse. Aish, why did I even have that song on my playlist? Do not get me wrong; 2am is awesome, but I did not need that song at that very fucking moment.

"...-han, Jeonghan!" he pulled the earphone from my left ear and I flinched.

"W-what?!" I felt my cheeks blushing.

"I've been talking to you for a while now, idiot," he giggled, "you cut your hair, huh?"

"Oh, yupp," I pursed my lips and ran my fingers through my bob cut hair, which by the way was cut by my aunt who owned a salon; She took care of me since I was about six, after my parents divorced and had new families, and she knew about the Joshua Hong thing. Aunt Heejung told me that girls often cut their hair after horrendously bad break ups to forget, and so I told her to 'Make it short'. But in truth, I wanted to say 'Make me better'.

"Why? Does it look bad?" I asked.

"Nope, it looks good on you." He flashed that innocent pup smile again that my lungs had a hard time breathing, and I was so sure that my cheeks were almost red as a damned tomato. Seriously, Joshua fucking Hong, how could I stop loving you if you keep on smiling at me like that?

I tried avoiding him again, but before I could put my earphone back, Joshua Hong started a new topic.

"So, how was vacation?" he asked, "I went to your house a few times, but Aunt Heejung told me you were out of town. Did you visit your mom and your little sister?"

"Oh, yeah," I faked a chuckle. Thank God Aunt Heejung made up that lame excuse when I was actually drowning myself in Ben & Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio while I was holed up in my room the whole vacation.

"Oh, good," Joshua bobbed his head a few times then he finally shut his mouth.

The twenty-minute bus ride seemed like eons and I wanted to just bang my head on the window and scream my heart out, but I did not want the other passengers to call our prefecture's mental health institution.

I stood up quick when the bus arrived at the stop for the university and got off. I tried to run but Joshua caught up and I was not able to escape my first day's nightmare.

"Hey," he said, panting, "are you coming tonight? Mom invited you and Aunt Heejung for her birthday dinner, right?"

"Oh," I thought of making up a good excuse, but my brain cells were sadly malfunctioning that time, "I, I uhh, I don't know. I guess so? Since my aunt's gonna be there."

"Great!" he seemed so happy, "I'll be waiting for you, 'kay?"

I nodded and he went off to the science department's building. Honestly, I just wanted to bawl my eyes out right then and there. Was he being insensitive about my feelings or did he really just want to give me a slice of his mother's birthday cake?

It was as if he did not dump me, and that fucking confession did not happen. Joshua Hong kept on flashing me his innocent smile and I felt like throwing up the French toast and milk I had for breakfast.

I wanted to punch him, but I wanted to hug him too; I spent weeks avoiding my best friend, when he was just a block away, and I missed him a lot. We could have spent the whole vacation playing video games, having movie marathons, and swimming in the beach together, but I broke his trust; I doubt he would ever let me see him in his swimming trunks ever again after I confessed that I was gay for him.

I always told myself that being 'just friends' was enough that it actually became some sort of a mantra in high school. But then, I suddenly could not contain my feelings anymore; I could not believe I broke years of friendship with my selfishness. I did not even know where that courage to confess came from; the next thing I know, my mouth was saying those fucking words. But, what the hell was my plan after that? I did not have any.

It was like taking a long calculus test without reviewing my notes the night before; I was fucking unprepared. Besides, I knew my best friend was the type of guy who went to church every Sunday; so why did I, his friend who had the same set of reproductive organ, declared my love when I knew he would never ever return it? Come on, Yoon Jeonghan, your best friend would never fall in love with a man, idiot.

If only I resigned myself to a life of unhappiness as the best friend who would become the godfather of his beloved unborn little angels, I would not have been extra, extra, extra unhappy.

It fucking sucks that I would be miserable if I stayed as his friend, and I would also be miserable if I never told him how I truly felt; there were no other options and there was no way out, I was fated to feel the pain of this unrequited forbidden love no matter what.

After Joshua took off, I also went to my department's building. I had my eyes on my registration form, scanning the paper for the room number assigned for my first class, when I accidentally bumped into someone.

"I-I'm sorry!" Shit, I thought, Why did I have to bump into a group of thugs on my first day? There were three men who wore mostly black, and one had a guitar on his back; they looked like some underground rock band.

"Ya!" yelled the man I accidentally hit foreheads with, "watch where you're going, sissy!"

"Ya!" I snapped, "why didn't you avoid me then?! Don't raise your voice on me, you bastard!"

"Okay, okay! Calm down," the taller man came between us and put his arm on the arrogant one's shoulder, "come on, guys, it's the first day of uni!"

"Shut up, Kim Mingyu." He shoved the taller guy, whom he called Kim Mingyu, and glared at me, "whatever, let's go."

"We're sorry," said the man with a deep voice, who was carrying a guitar on his back, after elbowing Kim Mingyu's gut. The three walked past me and entered the men's comfort room.

The hell, I thought and rolled my eyes, why did they have to go in there together? Who's the sissy now, punks?

I sat on a seat next to the window when I got inside room 107. The Renaissance History professor was not yet in class so I put on my earphones again and listened to some Leessang.

Before 'Can't breakup girl, Can't breakaway boy' could finish, my phone beeped with a text message. I keyed in my lock screen password and saw a message from Joshua Hong.

'How are you doing, Han?'

It beeped again.

'Ugh, if only we took the same program! It's lonely and boring without you.'

What the fuck. I locked my screen and put my phone down. I got twice as pissed when I saw the thug trio enter the room. The arrogant man made a face when our eyes met, and Kim Mingyu gave me a wink.

I slumped my face on the table; this was not the first day I imagined.

I let out a deep sigh, and thought 'Could this day get any worse?'