Everyone has had a crush before, without doubt.
Maybe it was a person from your school, or someone you just saw often.
Maybe it was someone who never knew you existed, like a celebrity crush.
Or maybe even someone who never existed at all, like a...
He hadn't known what had gotten into him, but every time he had talked to Jooheon, Changkyun had started getting uncomfortable. Every time he had seen the older on the screen of his laptop his breath had quickened. Every time Jooheon had smiled or laughed there had been a tightness around his chest, cold sweat on his palms and he had felt lightheaded. He had started acting weird and he had hated that. He had hated not being able to act normal around his best friend. The first few times it had happened, Changkyun had thought he had been getting sick, but it had happened for months, and it only happened when he had talked to his best friend, or when his parents had mentioned him. He hadn't known what it was, he just had wanted it to stop. Perhaps, he had thought, perhaps I feel this way because I miss him? Or maybe it's about the whole rap duo thing? It's getting pretty serious, now that Jooheon auditioned to become a trainee? I'm nervous about it, yes, that's it. The 15 year old boy had smiled, happy that he had found out why he felt the way he did.
But, that hadn't been the reason. He had found out what it was, weeks later when Jooheon had written him on Kakaotalk, Changkyun still remembers it clearly.
Jooheoney:ahhh, your hyung is in love~ Changkyun:in love? haha good one Jooheoney: i'm being serious here! Changkyun: how do you know? have you been in love before? Jooheoney: no i haven't i just know. whenever i talk to my love my heart beats so fast. dugeun dugeun dugeun~ Changkyun: ha, ha Jooheoney: I mean it, kyunnie. Have you never felt that way before? You start feeling all nevous for no reason and you are just happy whenever that person says your name or smiles Jooheoney: You constantly want to talk to them and you feel empty when they aren't around Jooheoney: it's a great feeling but it also hurts a little bit Jooheoney: do you know what I mean, Changkyun? Changkyun: Hyung, I have to go
Changkyun had started trembling. It can't be... it isn't possible. It shouldn't be. The first thing he had done after dropping his phone to the ground was to run to his Mother. He had asked her what she had felt the first time she had met his Father. She had teased him for a bit, thinking Changkyun had falled for some nice girl before she had told him what he had wanted to hear. Or didn't want to hear, because what she had described was exactly what Jooheon had told him and exactly what he himself had felt whenever he had talked to Jooheon. Changkyun had been devastated. Just the thought of him possibly being gay had made him sick to the stomach. It's not normal, it's disgusting. Or at least that's that everyone had always said. His mother had noticed how pale her son suddenly was, so she had asked what the matter was. Changkyun had shaken his head, not wanting to talk about it and had run to his room. He had to make sure. He had to know if what he felt had really been love.
He had turned his laptop on and had called Jooheon on Skype, and he had regretted it as soon as the older had picked up. He got nervous, even started trembling again. „Kyunnie? What's wrong? You don't look too well" Jooheon had said and Changkyun just stared at his worried face. Why? What have I done wrong? Why has God created me this way? Doesn't God hate people like me? Doesn't everyone hate people like me? He had been angry and he had been scared. Scared of what people would have to say if they ever find out. Scared of his parents. Would they disown him? Would they be disapointed? He was also scared about what his friends would have to say. They would probably stop being his friends. He would be all alone. But most of all, he was scared about what Jooheon would say. What if he finds out that I'm gay? That I am in love with him. Will he hate me? I don't want him to hate me. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be normal.
He had heard someone talk and he had heard someone banging on the door, but he hadn't been sure where those sounds had come from. He had covered his ears with his hands, had shaken his head repeatedly, and without him realizing he had started sobbing, tears falling from his eyes down his cheeks and onto his lap. He had been shaking uncontrollably and the screams had gotten louder. He hadn't been sure if those screams came out of his mouth or from someone else, but it hadn't mattered. He had felt arms around him and a voice whispering into his ear. Whoever had been calling his name a moment earlier had stopped, and he had been thankful for that. He had wanted to get away from everything. He had wanted to be alone and he had wanted to stop breathing.
Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
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