I Came Too Late

11:17

Dear Shell,

11:17 PM / mind over matter by pvris is playing layered by the sound of rain bashing against the car's windshield, and I miss you. I miss hugging your petite body. I miss the feel of your soft hair against my cheek. I miss the way your brown eyes melt. I miss the feel of your fingers between mine. 11:20 PM / look after you by the fray plays. The rain is softer now, just like your hair. God, you have no idea how much you ruined me. I don't even know if I really want to be in a relationship with another person who isn't you. God, I love you. I love you so fucking much. I need you, but I doubt you need me anyway. You've got everyone on their knees for you. Why? Probably because you're perfect. I can't seem to find the words to describe how you annoy me. Like annoying ka but it's okay? I miss the way you annoy me. The rain is stronger now. I love how the water slides across the glass. I just don't love how you slipped through my fingers. 11:25 / skinny love by birdy. Aren't we skinny loves? WEREN'T we skinny loves? But you're with him now. And that's not okay, but I could bear it. I am strong- outside. But that's okay- as long as you are. Come on skinny love, what happened here? Sheena calls me a pagong, I agree. My reason? Wala naman akong magagawa. Your parents hate me. Your friends hate me. You probably hate me too. I'm not popular, I'm not cool, I'm a fucking nerd or weirdo or wtvr. Tapos ang ugly ko pa, pimple faced with braces. 11:28 / stolen by dashboard confessional - i love this song. It reminds me of you. Here: you have stolen my heart. You have. You have stolen my heart- and I let you crush it. Well, you didn't crush it. You took it with you, even when you were with Him. You took it with you everywhere you went. You took it and never gave it back. I don't want it back. You could have it. Crush it, break it, lose it, I don't care. To have my heart broken by you would be a great honour. You are the best one of the best ones. I don't know where to find someone like you. I get crushes on guys, but they never really mount up to you. You are above all, really. 11:32 / to build a home by cinematic orchestra. We built a friendship. We built something unbreakable. Not like the rain now, strong then weak then strong- easily broken by the lack of accumulated water vapour. And I built a home for you, for me. We built it. And it just disappeared from me, from you. How, though? And now, its time to live, and time to die. How did it break? Who broke it? What broke it? Why did it break? Did it even break in the first place? Hopefully not. I can't bear to lose you. When you said you'd rather settle with a boy rather than a girl. Honestly, I was hurt. And in that moment I craved to have a dick. I craved the love you gave him. I craved the smiles, the laughter, the touches, the memories, time you gave him. I craved the home you built for both of you. I craved the home you BOTH built. It was new- shiny, newly painted. Ours was old, with molds and moss, covering the walls. But it was still a home- an indestructible home we built. But idk anymore. 11:38 PM / chasing cars by sleeping at last. Tulog na si mommy, daddy isnt here yet. And here I am, sitting shotgun, the car off, writing a letter to you, hoping you are thinking of me now. God, I miss you. If I were a boy, would you settle for me? If I didn't have holes, craters, pimples, would you even glance at me? If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Would you forget school, your barkada, your parents, him, anyone at all, and just lay down with me? Would you hold my hand again? Would you let me hold your waist again? Would you let me stroke your hair again? Would you let me marvel at your eyes again? Would you give me the chance to do all those again? Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Malakas nanaman yung ulan,
11:48 / July VII

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Pagong - turtle
Wala na akong magagawa- I couldn't do anything
Tulog na si mommy- Mommy is already sleeping
Malakas nanaman yung ulan- the rain is strong again