People who do not love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they can not l...
Hey guys!!! * runs around the room because I'm so excited!!!
Here's the third chapter !! Hope you enjoy it !! Brace yourself for the rollercoaster in the next chapter:)) I am honestly so happy for this book..It feels surreal that I am actually having the idea to write this story!!! I am so thrilled about your support for this book so far...and thank you!!! like a big thank youuuu!!
Please if you enjoy the story, vote and leave a comment!! That shows me that you DO care!! And it means the world to me!!
With love,
Pondwood
xoxoxox
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I wish you meet good people, people who would know that you are worthy of love, worthy of loving. I hope they listen when you are craving for someone to be there, lend a shoulder for you in times you are in need of one.
I chose this life. You can't blame it on anyone else even if you tried to comfort me. I am solely responsible for the path I chose but it doesn't mean that I am enjoying it. It doesn't mean that I am not entitled to express my feelings that I so often swallow down my throat. It's painful knowing that once you were that little girl who believed in prince charming and fairy tales. It never fails to make you feel awful in every way possible.
'What's up honey bun?' she walks in with a cup of tea.
'Nothing! why? 'I say in a whisper in the most unexcited tone.
'Going to write today? I have these amazing story ideas. They are just like flooding in to my brain. I got to write them down, I got to catch them when they are here! ' and she flashed her teeth, her smile bigger than I have ever seen before!
Now meet my sister! Larger than life, cuter than the cute boy who sits in the corner in your middle school class, the one who owns a heart full of just enough tenderness to make someone fall in love with her instantly, the closest to me in my family.
'All I want to do with my life is waste time' I pull my curls in to a bun, stood up without giving her another stare, and walked out of the room.
I can't tell you how many times that I have been lied to. Lied to me by myself. For the longest time that I can remember I tried to convince myself that I was this special kid. I used to think that I got that sparkle in my eye. And I am telling you that it made me confident! It really did.
'I feel like I'm supposed to be someone mom!' I remember coming from school one day and jumping up and down from all the excitement.
'Like what?' My mom asks me juggling my little baby brother in one shoulder and trying to make his milk bottle from the other.
' I don't know! I feel like I am meant to be someone! Some one great. Don't you think I am special mom?'
And to my surprise, she says 'mmm. there's nothing special about you love!'
And I guess that is how I lost my sparkle...
In the best way to explain I am hopeful or I was hopeful but I don't want to bore you to death with a tragic story of how I wish this life I have could have been like. My sister on the other hand is quite the opposite of me. She has a gentle soul, a soul that is so fragile but has enough strength to make it through to the other side; the better side.
In times that I had no one to talk to she would sit at the edge of my bed, push my wild hair out my face and lean in. With our foreheads almost rubbing each other she would say in the calmest voice, 'It's a privilege that you have had a nice childhood, it makes it easier to mend your soul, because you know something better than what you are feeling right now.'
No matter how hopeful she had been or how helpful anyone have been, I never failed to spiral out of control at times. I think in the beginning you always think that you will do anything to feel better. But in the process you realize that feeling better, that kind of comfort is unattainable, so you choose to give up happily. So guess what I did? I spent hours and hours listening to music because I didn't know any other way to fill up this void that was within me.
In the eyes of everyone else it might've looked like I was enjoying my time of life, muting the world, and the outside fuss while getting buried in music. I have lost count of how many times I have been yelled at for wearing head phones and nodding my head to the beat. But that's the only way out I knew of. Nobody cared enough to lift up the bandage and have a look at the wound, they only put plaster after plaster on top of the previous one. No one knew how bad it was for such a long time. Forget no one, I did not even know myself.
All these people, my family and my friends were pushing me to the edge. Not knowing what was just about to happen I nodded yes to all that was to come. I guess I just lost my will to express what I was feeling. Because you know after some time you do get sick of being pushed around and that might be the only way that you know. So you decide that you'd rather fall in to that instead of fighting against it, trying to swim up the river. You form in to this new person who is capable of numbing all the emotions and nodding yes to every single thing. And to be honest with you, it's hella scary. I wish that you never fall into that kind of emotionless state. And my fears made it crystal clear. I heard myself say, 'by the look of it, I'm never going to feel like myself again, never!'
