Jim + Pam; an office love story

JH's POV

[I don't own any of these quotes or characters]

loads of dialogue btw / trigger warning! includes some really depressing stuff - take caution when reading if you're going through tough times / also i didn't proofread this and things might not make sense bc i did this with no planning at all and i started this at 1:14am

based on: s02ep22 - Casino Night

Jim Halpert's POV

"Hey, how's it going?" I ask Pam in an subtle tone. I couldn't take it anymore. It's either now or never.

"Good, especially after I took your money in poker."

"Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Here goes nothing.

"About when you want to give me more of your money?" said Pam abruptly.

"No I-

"Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight."

-I was just... I'm in love with you." There it is. My heart is pounding, threatening to leap out of my chest if I say another word. My eyes start to water. I look into her eyes longingly, waiting for an answer. She's engaged and in love with someone else. Other than that, why and how could she ever like someone like me? An insecure, self-loathing guy who just does enough to get by. Who constantly wishes he didn't exist.

"W-what?"

"I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just-

My voice starts to tremble and vision blurred because of the tears in my eyes. Pamela Morgan Beesly. She's the reason why i'm alive and why i'm always hurting. She's all that i've ever wanted. I look down to my feet. Her stare burns into me and i can tell that she's awfully confused and conflicted by all the sudden emotion that I'm hurling towards her. I should've thought about how she was going to react before i said all these things.

"What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?"

"I just needed you to know. O-once." I quivered.

"Well, I um... I... I can't. You have no idea-

"Don't do that."

-what your friendship means to me." She stared at me, waiting for my answer intently.

"Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that." And I meant every word. It's all that i've ever wanted. For a very long time. Since the first day i sat myself down on that desk.

"I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault."

Tears start to roll down my cheek. Misinterpreted things. It feels like my heart has ripped out of me and thrown to the ground. I can't believe that I was foolish enough to think that she would actually like me back. I was so caught up in between everything that I created this stupid idea that she would secretly want me. And i often forget that it's just something that i made up to fill the empty voids in my mind. She doesn't want me, and she isn't mine. She never will be. Get it into your head.

"Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship."

I start to walk away, tears running down my face. I couldn't take much longer. I started to walk back and forth down the dark, empty street. Angry at myself for doing that to her. Not to mention that i just left her there. What the fuck was i thinking? but what's done is done. There's nothing I can do anymore.

Don't look back. She doesn't love you.

Don't look back. She doesn't love you.

Don't look back. She doesn't love you.

But i just can't stop myself. Leaving her there is something Roy would do. And I can't do that to Pam. I'm not Roy. No way.

I run back to the office and see that she's gone. I've really done it this time. This is it. I sink down to my knees in the middle of the carpark and cry. Maybe it's time. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve her. How could i have been so mindless. She's probably just somewhere, over-thinking this, feeling like everything is her fault, with so many questions left unanswered. The guilt is crushing me and i just want it to stop. Maybe i can stop this. I got up, wiping off the tears. I strutted up to the ladder that takes me to the top of the building. I start climbing up. Every step i take, the weight of the pain, pressure, guilt, grudges that i've built over the years start to leave me. This is the right thing to do.

No-one's going to miss me anyway.

Step.

I don't matter to anyone.

Step.

Nobody will ever want to be with me.

Step.

I'll never get better.

I reach the top, feeling lighter than ever. I sit on the edge of the building, contemplating whether i should end all this pain and misery right here, right now. When i got this job, i never would have thought that i'd fall madly in-love with the receptionist.  She became my best friend. I told her everything, except for the things that kept me awake past midnight. Except for my feelings for her. Because if I did, she wouldn't see me as the same person as i was before. I couldn't risk that. Besides, hiding your feelings and letting it take over you is so much easier than having to explain things to people that wouldn't understand. And sometimes, i wonder how she would feel, if she knew how many nights I've lied awake thinking about her or how many tears I've shed over her. I wonder, what she would think of me with all that knowledge. How she'd react. What she'll say.  I look over the edge. Most of the cars have left except for mine and Pam's. Great. Well, this is it i guess. I hope that my family doesn't think about this too much. It was never their fault. I hope Pam's okay and that Roy ends up treating her well. I love her enough that i'd die for her. And with that final thought, I take one last look at my surroundings.

Deep breath in.

I stand up and close my eyes.

Deep breath out.

"JIM HALPERT! COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" screamed a familiar voice.

I turned around and look at her. Pam.

"Pam. I'm sorry but i have to do this. I have no other option." My hands shake and tears begin to run down my face.

"Jim, please, I love you." Pam pleaded, the pain in her voice making it clear that she truly means it.

"Do you really Pam? What about Roy?"

"Roy... isn't the right one for me. Over the years i've realised how bad of a fiancé he is. I'm going to call off the wedding. There's so many reasons to call off the wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until i met you." said Pam, teary eyed.

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will be completing this another day, stay tuned you guys