As I Am.

Unnoticed

I stand in the hallway, quietly listening to my parents argue over who is going to try and force me to take my meds. Meds for what, i don't know. I don't remember. I remember waking up. I do not remember leaving my room. I remember staring at the glo-in-the-dark stickers that have been on my ceiling since I was a child.

"Come on Asher, she listens to you more. She actually likes you. Adores you. You know that. She can't even stand to look at me anymore. Not since that day.." I heard my mother mutter to my father, quiet as can be. 

"No Lisa. I can't force her to take them. I refuse to. I don't want her to lose trust in both of us. I can't lose my little girl like that..." His voice sounded strange. Like an echo. Far away. I turn away and sneak off down the dark hallway, before breaking into a run. Escaping from the shadows that follow me with eyes like glass. I make it to the safety of the room I've been imprisoned in. I shut the door behind me so they wouldn't know i heard them. I could hear their rising voices, another fight. 

I crawl back in-between the suffocating sheets and blankets. Becoming invisible to the shadows wandering eyes. I close mine and fall into the darkness that was my only escape. 

I wake up to a weight on the edge of my bed. I can feel the darkness weighing heavily on my sleepy form. I feel its eyes. Smell its rancid breath. I try not to fidget as it gets closer. I feel its hand on my leg, the weight making me uncomfortable. I open my eyes to darkness. There is nothing there. I don't fall asleep again.

I feel my blankets getting shuffled. I feel someone brush my hair off my face. "Jade, darling, Its time to get up. You have a doctors appointment after school so I'll pick you up. Don't take the bus like last time okay? Now sit up so you can take your med." My mothers voice sounded. I open my eyes and sit up groggily. "I need water." my voice sounds dry and brittle as I say that. I try to focus my eyes on my mother as she hands me a glass of water. I try to take in her face, but all I see is Max and Sophie. My vision clouds as they cross my mind so I shut them out. I take the little pills and stare at the chipping paint on my wall. The assortment not welcome in normal homes. I wash them all down with the clear stuff I was given. She walks away.

I swing my legs out of the safety of my bed and slip into my bathroom. I turn on the shower water and strip out of my ratty t-shirt and shorts and stared at the girl in the mirror. Pale grey skin clinging to bone, dull brown hair with blonde roots. lifeless blue eyes. I stare at the bones. I can count my ribs. I shiver and step in the shower, letting the warm water wash away these haunting thoughts.

I arrive in my own personal hell. I feel their stares, hear their whispers. "God I wish i looked like her..." "Look at her thighs!! So perfect.." "Eww she is so skinny" "Ghastly" "Thin" "Anorexic" I ignored all the whispers and stares. Relished in being ignored by teachers. I hid at lunch. Away from those prying eyes. I couldn't wait until the bell rang.

"How are you feeling Jade?" Mr. Whats-His-Name asked me as usual. "Tired." I reply as usual. He looks at his notes and shuffles his papers. "Have you been following the diet I put together for your health?" I see the papers, monstrosities printed on them. I nod in reply. "Well I would like you to step on my scale for me." He says, motioning to my best friend in the corner. I step on it and I force myself not to look. I feel him shake his head. "102. That's less than last month. I'm going to have your parents weigh you once a week. To make sure you gain weight. This is not healthy for a 17 year old." He leads me out and informs them of this. They nod and whisper to him about god knows what. I pull out my phone and earbuds and get lost in the music.

I speed into my room before they can try to "talk" to me. I avoid them the best I can. Hours later I hear a knock at my door and hear it open. "Jade? Can we talk please?" My fathers voice echoing the way it always does. "Sure. What about?" I feign not knowing what he wants to talk about. He sits on my bed, his back turned away from me. He took a steady breath and turned to me. 

"I know you've had a difficult time coping with.... Their deaths but I can't stand seeing you destroy yourself like they did. I cant lose you like I lost them. So I'm putting you in therapy. I believe it will help. You need to... express yourself, get out some feelings and thoughts. So your mother and I thought it best. You will see this therapist until we see a change in you. We miss you. The happy you. The Jade that put everyone first. The little girl I held in my arms." His voice broke and he looked away so I couldn't see his eyes shine with tears.

"Okay. I'll go. I'll try to get better. Okay daddy?" I put on the cheeriest face I could manage. It was probably more a grimace than a smile. I never smile anymore. He just stared at me and offered me a small smile. "You will go to therapy tomorrow. And every Friday. No exceptions." He walked out of my room and closed my door quietly, leaving me in the darkness that had gathered around us as we "talked"

I pulled my blankets over me, not even bothering to change, and drifted into the darkness that was my subconscious.