førest // tøp

n i n e t e e n

Tyler wakes up in his bedroom, his mom asleep on the chair next to his bed and holding his hand in an nearly painful grasp.

He looks out the window, at the sinking sun, and squints his eyes.

"Remember me," he whispers.

His mom stirs next to him, her eyes fluttering open.

"Hey, baby," she murmurs.

"Hi," he says, still looking out the window.

"How do you feel?" his mom asks.

"Tired," he says. "Could I, ah, maybe get some water?"

"Of course," she says. "I'll be right back. Don't move, okay?"

"Okay," he says, still looking out at the sun.

"Hey. Look at me."

Tyler reluctantly looks away, looks at his mom.

"Don't go anywhere," she orders.

"Okay," he repeats, and she gives him a hug before leaving.

As soon as she closes the door, Tyler's throwing open his window and clambering out the way Josh used to all the time. He races out into the woods, skin suddenly too tight for his body.

Dirty. Dirty dirty dirty. The kind of dirty that Tyler can feel in his soul, the one place where he can't scrub viciously with soap.

His feet are wet with blue-black water, and he looks up to see everything turning blue-black now. He wants to shout for Josh, to tell him that he gets it now, he understands, but Josh is gone and he's never coming back and Tyler thinks his lungs are going to burst.

"I'm sorry!" he screams. "I get it now! I promise!"

But everything's becoming bluer and everything's becoming blacker and Tyler can feel the cold in his bones. It's seeping in through his eyes, and he closes them as tightly as he can but it still leaks through. He's shivering, he's shaking, and he's so, so dirty.

Tyler slowly becomes aware that he's pleading for Josh to come back, come back to him, but Josh is never coming back because he isn't real, and Tyler is a crazy fucking idiot left with only his crazy fucking mind and he's so so so dirty, he's filthy, and he's never going to be loved.

"Please!" he shrieks, harsh and guttural, like the word's being torn away from his throat. "Oh, please!"

The word echoes around the forest, bouncing from tree to tree, and Tyler can feel the word sink through him, coating his bones, making them vibrate "pleasepleaseplease."

"Where are you?!" he screams. "I need you! I fucking need you, oh please!"

His hands are on his head, pulling his hair, clawing his skin. His nails are tearing though the soft skin of his cheeks, ripping, and he thinks that the pain is the most real thing he's ever felt. He claws desperately at his face, his neck, his arms. It hurts, it fucking hurts, and he's sobbing but he's laughing because isn't this just the best thing ever?

"I'm real!" Tyler screams. He points towards the sky accusingly. "I'm fucking real! Why aren't you?!" He collapses onto the cold, cold ground. "Why aren't youreal?!" he shrieks. "Why- aren't- you- real?!" he demands, slamming his head against the ground with every word.

Tyler goes quiet suddenly when he realizes that he's sprawled out in front of the treehouse. Their treehouse. He closes his eyes and lets the memories play before them. Kissing, touching, whispering lullabies that were never real.

It was never real.

With a strangled cry of agony, Tyler pushes himself up off the ground. He clambers up the tree into the treehouse.

It's dark, quiet. The air is heavy, and Tyler doesn't speak. He sits and watches tears drip onto the T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D that's carved into the wooden floor.

**SUICIDE SCENE, SKIP IF NECESSARY**

Josh's lighter is lying by Tyler's shoe, and he slowly picks it up, flicks it on. The flame glows in the darkness, and Tyler watches himself press the flame to the wall.

He holds it there, watching the wood grow darker as it chars. For a while nothing else happens, but Tyler suddenly sees the wood catch fire. He flicks the lighter off and watches, transfixed, as the flame grows larger and larger, climbing up to the ceiling.

Tyler lies on his back and watches as fire slowly engulfs the roof. The treehouse is starting to fill with smoke.

Something inside him is pulling, insisting that he has to get out, get out before he suffocates or burns. He ignores it. He doesn't care anymore.

Tyler falls asleep as everything around him burns.

He doesn't care.