1/1/16
It all started one morning when I woke up from a horrible vivid dream. My Dad hitting me. I couldn't stop from shaking and crying. My anxiety was getting the best of me. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, yet I don't like to take any type of medication because it makes me sad. It's supposed to prevent panic attacks but I know how to deal with them. So this was the first time in months were the dream was so vivid it seemed real. My Mum didn't know about them until tonight because shes usually never home, shes always working late for me. I know you are thinking is this kid on drugs or something? No. Im not on drugs. I'm different, that what everyone including myself belives and they are right because I love them. I love calum and my mum, but i don't love myself.
1/2/16
Today I went to my best and only friend Calums house. I hung out with him and his girlfriend Nia. They basically flirted and I watched and just read my book. Don't get my wrong i love Nia but i feel comfortable around my Mum and Calum. I have had trust issuses ever since my dad happened and i dont want to go into detail. Anyways Nia is in a small band called Hey Violet. I hope that one day Calum and I can make music of our own one day. Hey violet has a song called "Sparks fly", I really like it. I'm pretty sure Nia wrote it for Calum since they really like each other. I wish i could find someone that would love me for who I am. But my Father told me that it was impossible and that it was extremely impossible for someone to love me. I guess hes right. I mean I belive in love like with ur Mum or like how i love Calum like a brother or as my best friend. I'm not so sure about Calum and Nia kind of love, like I said they really like each other. Anyways if love existed nobody would love me because im too ugly and disgusting just like my Father told me.
1/5/16
Another bad dream. I was trying to steady my breathing but it kept getting worse, just like me. My Mum tells me I'm getting worse. Thats why shes making me go to more therapy sessions, but i don't like it because it means more money that Mum has to pay. I really don't need this, but Mum tells me I do so i don't disagree with her. My dad is at my house. He's hiding there. My Mum tells me he's not there and that im safe with her. She says that he's long gone but i saw him. My Mum also tells my therapist that my anxiety is getting worse. The therapist says that I need to help myself and I say i try and she says that I'm not but im trying my best. The therapist said to try harder or we will have to do something about it and My Mum agrees and said it would be the best. I'm getting even more scared.
1/8/16
I don't sleep anymore. My dad won't let me, he tells me that he will hurt me if I do. I stay up and listen to music but he doesn't mind the noise. My Mum doesn't know my dads here at night and d
sometimes during the day. One night she will figure out when she comes home in the middle of the night after a late shift and she will understand and wont be mad hopefully.
Since i'm up i am texting Cal and he says i can sleepover tomorrow and we can play fifa and listen to all time low. He also said he wants to take me to one of Nias shows with her band. I am really excited I know all of their music. Hopefully casey will be happy to see me because I think he likes me and he's really cool just like everyone in the band. I wish cal and I could could be cool like them in a band.
My dad says i have to stop writing now.
Hi guys im maia btw lol. this chapter is very short and the last paragraph is kind of a filler ugh. i hope u guys like this book im putting a lot of work into it blah blah. If u cant tell yet mikey is a bit clueless and a bit sheilded from the world i guess you could say. anyways comment and all that. bye!!
