The Days After

Stage 2: Pain and Guilt

Nobody ever seems to care unless you are pretty or dying. Before winter break I was neither particularly pretty or dying so I went unnoticed in high school, besides my circle of friends. But I was dead now, and the memorial that decorated the main entrance of my school stretched to the roof. With the sticky notes, candles, teddy bears and the multitude of flowers resting on the grimy floors, it was the most recognition I'd ever gotten. Shame that the flowers were all a disastrous shade of pink and none of them were my favorite kind.

I stood beside Alex and Vanessa as they looked at it for the first time. The two had been allowed an extra week off of school after winter break. The principal basically told them to get their shit together in that week and come back to school because biology and such was much more important than grieving over a dead best friend/girlfriend. I had been gone a week and five days. That was not nearly long enough to get over someone you loved. I'm not sure they ever truly would.

It had been a long week. I had not expected to be here this long as a ghost or whatever. In the movies, there was always a bright light when the dead were ready to go as in heaven or some form of afterlife. I had seen no bright light. Was I not ready? Did I have unfinished business? Would I stay like this forever? Was I even a ghost? The thing that terrified me was staying like this forever. Trapped as the dead girl who could only watch.

That was all I could do now, watch. Watch my parents cry until bits of tissue stuck to the corners of their eyes. Watch Vanessa throw up the remnants of cheap vodka into the toilet almost every morning. Watch Alex fall asleep at late hours in the night and not be able to kiss him goodnight. I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave just yet. I needed some time to make sure they were all going to be okay. I need time to make sure I'm going to be okay.

I looked back at Vanessa and Alex. I saw their eyes lock onto the biggest picture of me. It was my grad picture. Why did they have to use that one? It just reminded everyone that the only time I got to wear that hat was for a bloody photo. I would never get the chance to graduate or do anything else actually. I still wasn't entirely sure what that meant to me. It felt like most of my life was living up to the day I would walk on stage and take my diploma. I wanted to wear the stupid hat and have my family post dozens of unneeded pictures on Facebook. I wanted to go to prom and wear a nice dress and actually do my hair and makeup for once. I wanted to take goofy pictures with Vanessa and have Alex whisper in my ear while we danced that I was beautiful. I had so many stupid teenage dreams and I had never gotten to experience them. Had I lived enough? Was it all worth nothing? At least I won't have to deal with student loans.

Vanessa's eyes glossed over and Alex's narrowed and I knew they had thought that as well. That the picture was a reminder of what I had missed out on. "None of them gave a shit about her," Alex said. His voice was low and when I looked at him I saw a storm brewing in his dark eyes. I remembered how warm they used to be. I saw none of that warmth in them now. "Some did," Van replied. "S-she had a good heart and she was full of wit." I still am full of wit . I couldn't tell her that.

Alex said nothing. He did not have the heart or the able mind to argue with her right now. I knew because I had spent every night by his side in bed. It was like old times, but he no longer put his arms around my waist. We would no longer laugh when I woke up with all the blankets. I always knew he let me do that so I could be extra warm, even though there were times when I felt him shivering beside me. He could have all the blankets now.

He had spent the past nights scrolling through the pictures of us on his phone or listening to videos of me playing the violin. I had never been great at it but he always got lost in a trance when we played duets together. He got this crinkle in his forehead when he concentrated very hard. Sometimes I would lose my place among the notes because I would just watch him sway to the crisp sounds he could create. To me heaven wasn't the golden place in the sky, it was the place Alex went when he played. Heaven was the place I went when I listened. Heaven was what I felt when he pressed his lips to mine and kissed me as if we had all the time in the world. Heaven would living again.