The Days After

Stage 6: Acceptance

   The crowd rushed to their feet and their applause became deafening. I was only focused on one thing, though. Not the red curtains, or the rows and rows of the finely dressed audience members or the high ceilings where chandeliers glittered. I saw only one thing clearly. It was Alex, dressed in black in the center of the wide stage. He took a bow with his cello still in hand and from the middle of the aisle I could see him trying to hold back his smile. Almost two years after my death, and I still got butterflies every time I saw him. Well, ghostly butterflies that is.

He had done well for himself. Alex had gotten into Juilliard like he was intended too and so far his first year was a success. He had made lots of friends and was well liked by his instructors and somehow he was an even better player than before. It was hard though I will admit to that. Watching him live on our dream without me by his side. I wanted to be there with him and all the other talented people. I wanted to play challenging duets with him and explore the city hand in hand. Hell, the thought of cramming for tests had never seemed appealing. I wanted to be there but it's rather hard to go to university when you're dead. And I hadn't gotten anything I wanted or needed for almost two years. The world would not pity a sad, lonely dead girl. I don't matter anymore.

The thing that I had been thinking about the most was how I could barely remember what it felt like to play the violin. I watched Alex immersed in music all the time and it made me miss being alive even more. I can't remember the weight of the instrument on my shoulder or lines the strings would leave on my fingertips. I hear music all the time so I can remember how it made me feel, but it's never the same. Listening to a piece will never be as amazing as perfecting a piece that you worked at for weeks, or even months. I don't remember what it feels like to be living. That was scary because I was getting used to it. I never wanted to get used to being dead.

I remember how to love and how to smile, though. I don't have to try and remember heartbreak because I feel it every time I look at the ones I love. I have not felt their touch or heard their words to me unless it is through a stone. Everyone visits my grave less and less now. Perhaps they are getting over me or they are just forgetting. I wonder if when I am completely forgotten I will leave, not be a ghost anymore and fade to nothing. Nothingness would be better than this.

    Another perk of being dead was you could go backstage during concerts. The smile stayed on Alex's face as he walked back to his warm up room and it widened when people patted him on the back. Whenever he had that wide grin on his face all I could do was think about kissing him. It's what I'd always done. When people say old habits don't change or are hard to change, I never realized how right they were. Not until this.

He put his cello away slowly and wiped any impurities off of the surface. Then I saw him pull something out of the case. It was me. Well, a picture of me. His eyes softened when he looked at it and I wondered how I had never seen it before. "I made it Autumn," he said. "I hope I've made you proud."

You have.

"It's been hard without you, really hard. And there is nothing I could want more, even still, than to have had you out there playing by my side. I hope they have violins in heaven or whatever. Or at least good music." He placed the photo back in the case and shut it. His next words were whispered. "You'll always be important to me Autumn and a part of me will always miss you. But I think I'm okay now, truly. I know it might be hell at times but I think I'm okay with what happened. I mean I'll eternally be pissed off and in a way grieving but I know now that things will be fine. I can do this, even if you're not with me."

I wasn't needed anymore. The room seemed to get brighter and I realized that this fact, of him not needing me, didn't hurt anymore. "I still love you though damn it," he said. "I-I still love y-you."